I had a thought that just occurred to me while chatting online with someone.
Everything bad that has happen to me has been my fault.
This may seem like another one of those Wired Backwards things but it makes sense if you follow the logic.
I have a very strong Security Consciousness. I don’t have stalkers, or crazy people hit me or taken in by scams. I am amazed at the experiences some of my friends have had because I honestly can’t picture that happening to me. It isn’t that I live is a perfect world. Thinking on it, I worked out it isn’t that I am good at spotting these sorts of things and avoiding it or that I live in an unrealistic world and will end up with a smackdown sooner or later. It is because when things start being just the tiniest bit sketchy, I am out of there. I don’t end up in situations where these sorts of things happen because I am uber-cautious and I end up veering away long before anything bad shows up.
So the things that really tear me up are generally things that I have set up for myself. I get too invested, I make bad choices, I am too sensitive and react more than appropriate, etc. These things lead me to grief and I hurt badly. But they are all consequences of my choices, ergo my faul. I created them.
The good things are also my fault but they feel more like I am just picking up coins found on the ground rather than building the situation. I see a good thing and I move towards it. When I see a bad situation I move away from it so the bad situations I find myself in are ones I didn’t see coming but I put into play.
The thing about being responsible for these things, it means I have power over these things. I can change them once I figure out how. And to make sure I don’t end up in the same situation again. Doesn’t always work but I have power instead of being a victim.
So see, it isn’t as bad as it originally sounded.
First give me a couple of sentences to ramble I should have a point
someplace in this post.
Second. I have to do the “Holy crap” thing, meaning reading this it
sounds like me. Don’t have stalkers…ok I had one crazy person, not
taken in by scams. I tend to pull the rip cord and bail out when
something is amiss.
Yes, what tears me up are stuff that I set up for myself (and
without going into details going through that a bit right now)
too invested and on and on. Maybe that is the over analyzing thing
I have talked to you about. Maybe that is my reaction or my grief
or my hurt. Not that I don’t do those things either.
I do wish I had your confidence in the “I have power over these
things” arena. I don’t ever think I do have that power.
Ok maybe the whole comment was a point.
One of the reasons I actually post these internal workings is that others find them useful. It pleases me that others find them useful so thank you for letting me know.
Well you could work on your wording… but I think it’s a fundamental truth for all of us.
I recall coming to that conclusion (albeit with a different twist) some 15 years ago, when a friend related a conversation with her mom… in which her mom said something to the effect that it was nice that my friend didn’t blame her for everything that went wrong in her life – unlike some other mom-friend’s daughter… and my friend’s response was “well, if I blamed you for everything that went wrong, then I’d have to give you credit for everything that goes right… and I’d like to think some of it is due to me.”
But I think that you are dead on… you do have power over these things… it’s just a matter of figuring out what it is that you are doing and choosing another course.
((((((((((hug))))))))))))
If you mean work on my wording as in I am not very clear, I wrote it quickly and was getting bored so it almost didn’t get completed or posted. I don’t like editing at the best of times and I didn’t bother with this one.
If you mean work on my wording as in don’t be so hard on myself…I put this to you, who says it being my fault is a bad thing? Sometimes I will beat on myself for stuff but that is a different issue in my book.
Being at fault is a way of taking responsibility and thereby owning the pieces involved. I can then learn from and make changes for the future. I tend to not use “fault” with others because it has such a negative reaction but this is my internal process and I don’t find “fault” that negative.
That is why sometimes I feel like I am wired backwards because on the surface I seem to be different from others.
Dude. I sooooo relate to this. It is like the exact opposite of the “victim mentality”. That time my car got broken into and my bike got stolen out of it? My fault for not being smart enough to take my bike inside. That time in that LARP when my character got blown up? My fault for not staying away from the guy who I just KNEW looked like an atomic bomberman but then I forgot after I went to the bathroom. That time I had that job that made me too depressed to go to work? My fault for not getting out of it before it got that bad.
I guess the main difference between you and me though is that I do actually congratulate myself on the good stuff as enthusiastically as I flagellate myself for the bad stuff. So my naive kind of “I do it this way so it must be good” suggestion would be to try to balance things out by taking more responsibility for the good stuff. No, I don’t know how to do this.
Oh, and people who have victim mentality really get on my nerves – I have a hard time respecting them.
The reason I don’t congratulate myself on the good things is I don’t know what I did to make them happen. I just was in the right place at the right time. If it is repeatable, then I own up to it.
I managed to find a part-time job that paid me $50 an hour, catered lunch, was work I enjoyed, allowed me to do more things I wanted to learn and loved me. I know I it was because of my choices but I have no idea how to make something like that happen again. It feels like I just picked up the good option the Universe had available. I do know my choices led to having the option available but I didn’t create it.
Things like doing the program book for Baycon and Silicon, that is good stuff that I did create and is repeatable. My fault and I credit myself for it.
As long as you regard this as something that gives your power, that’s great, but sometimes people beat themselves up over things that were really not their responsibility. That’s the other side of the coin.