I am in a land of grey. While I am here, I appreciate those that I know and the things that I have and do. I think they are worth the work and effort and I will keep on doing. But there isn’t anything I consider worth holding onto if I was given the option out. I have lost the link I had to an answer being something other than “yes” and I am tired of trying to continue to find it.
But I am here and I need to deal with that. I want to be entertained, to be stimulated, to get lost in something. To direct the energy flowing through me instead of digging for every single erg from my woefully lacking resources and after each is spent, starting the digging process again. I want to flow instead of fight for each single step. I get going, I get tired, I relax, and I find myself back at the beginning again needing to build up momentum to start moving again. It seems like I am always starting at scratch lately.
I am tired of being me. I am tired of being.
I think it’s time to consider the possibility…
I am not a psychiatrist, but girlfriend you are chronically depressed and need professional/medical help.
You have:
Trouble getting up, low energy, motivationally challenges, lugubrious.
Countered against what you actually have:
Good work, live in a beautiful place of the world, a good abode, a car, friends, clean water, good (if bland) food, etc., etc.
You are depressed, plain and simple. Not “I’m facing a bad patch” depressed, you are clinically, chronically depressed. GET HELP!
Re: I think it’s time to consider the possibility…
You are both very very right and also wrong.
I do need to admit that the stuff that makes it to LJ is the stuff I would rather not tell anyone about but am working on admitting so things may seem a little worse than they really are. Although when they are bad, they seem to be bad all around.
On the other side, which of course is much bigger, you are completely correct, I am clinically, chronically depressed. I have been diagnosed with a biological depression since 1985 and have been on meds off and on since then (different ones over the years). I am currently on effexor, I see two different therapists each every other week (making it one session a week for me), am part of Kaiser’s depression group, have my Kaiser shrink for the meds and this LJ. It seems these really really dark days are also tied to my monthly cycle and I am trying the pill for three month stretches in an attempt to either regulate this depression affect or at least cut down the number of times I feel like I have just about reached the end of my rope.
My therapists are saying that I am doing much better now than I was a few years ago when I started with each of them. My dad has said that he sees that I am doing much better than I probably have been most of my life. When you and I hung out more and I disappeared for 4 years, I was in a major depression cycle then and the beginning of my disappearance was doing the Kaiser depression class and group. That was 10 years ago. I am doing better now but I sometimes I wonder. I am functional this time around. I can see where I have good things. This is a major change.
So, as you can see, I am getting what help there is for me. I have always known that if I get into the dark, I would get what help I could. The thing that worries me right now is that I am starting to get tired of asking for help. I am starting to not want help. I tried asking friends for help a couple of years ago and that didn’t work. The ones that could help turned away. I figured out later they were probably worried that they would get dragged into their version of hell because they could identify with me too well. I turned to the professionals and started up on the meds again. I had been able to handle it without them for a few years and things were going good for awhile. Things seemed worth it. They don’t anymore. And the memory of that time is starting to pale and wear thin.
And as you see by the comments swamping this post, people are either tired of me “whining” about the depression and dark or they just don’t have anything to say.
Friday was a down day for me. It didn’t feel like it would lift. And it did. Not out of the depression but out of the really deep spot it was in. I am still mainlining sugar to just deal with existing at points and paying the price for that but it isn’t as bad as it was on Friday. I really needed some sort of distraction and I couldn’t come up with anything myself and there wasn’t anything coming in.
I am trying not to hide this stuff anymore. I used to managed to appear happy when I was really depressed. Now I am trying to admit to it, own up to it and expose it.
I really appreciate your comment, seriously. You are right in the depression thing and you are right that I need help. That wrong part is that I already have the help you were thinking about. That last aspects were added months ago, before I even got my job. I guess it could be funny to think what I would be like without the help I already have.
Re: I think it’s time to consider the possibility…
I am not tired of you whining, but I guess I don’t have anything to say. I have a really hard time relating to depression because I’ve never really been seriously depressed (the longest ever was the two months after you-know-who dumped me before I moved out here). I would like to be one of those friends who could help, but I don’t think I can (because of the not relating). Please correct me if I am wrong on that and I can make time to go dancing, have coffee, whatever. You’re definitely high up there on the list of “cool people who I don’t see often enough”.