I overslept this morning. Instead of getting up and dealing with my reality, I was dreaming that I was fighting zombies.
I was at a restaurant with friends (including fresne and capricious_k) having a nice dinner in a back corner. Then we heard the news about zombies. I rushed downstairs for some reason (the restaurant was on the top floor of some building). When the elevator opened, I had zombies on both sides (both sides of the elevator had doors that opened). I had prepared for them or thought I had. I was terrified and had tried to get my hand into a fist to sock whatever was in the door that opened. I didn’t know which door would open and it was hard to try to be ready to go either direction. When they both opened, I sort of froze and auto-pilot kicked in and I grabbed one zombie and threw it into the other.
I then I did whatever I needed to and went back upstairs. We found that taking wood and running it up under the zombie’s chin and into their head would stop them. Fresne, Capricious_k and I cleared the zombies out and the restaurant staff was very appreciative. They have us a dinner later and kept presenting us with little flags.
There was even one point where I kicked out at a zombie and I know I actually kicked the covers on my bed. That was startling.
The sad bit about this is in the dream I was scared. I was not the savior of the universe. I was not a hero. I didn’t feel special. But I still preferred that reality to this one when I woke up. Things were contained in the dream reality. They only went so far and no farther. There was nothing beyond the horizon. I shouldn’t be afraid or nervous or concerned by what is beyond the horizon but for some reason I am. All this added up to me being even later to work today than I have been so far. I need to get a handle on this soon.
I think I am starting to have a clue about what is going on. This getting up problem feels like it has replaced a defense I have set aside in my work on myself. I put aside my constant anxiety, my Emotional Debit Card and my need to know everything and plan three to five layers deep. I think this avoidance of reality when getting up is there to take care of something that was taken care of by those other things until I moved them. I don’t know what is being protected. I don’t know why I am having such problems. I just know that when I am moving, I do ok but when I am at a dead stop, I don’t seem to be able to get myself moving very well.
I feel like I should be doing better than I am. I have the mental ability to think things through. I just don’t seem to actually move on things. It is like deciding to move your arm and noticing that you arm is just lying there like a lump. Everything feels ok, is just isn’t responding. The diagnostics say all pathways are clear and nothing seems out of place. But it doesn’t work. And I don’t know why.
And since I “know” I should be able to do better and I “want” to do better, I am really hard on myself when I am not doing. I am a firm believer that we are in control of our own lives and we have the power to change whatever. I want to change but I am not doing what I need to to make it happen. This means to me that somewhere in me I don’t want to change and I am undermining myself. I am causing my own problems. And I hate myself for doing that. Every time I get to that ledge of hating myself for what I am creating, I managed to talk myself back off of it. But it is hard work and tiring. But it is better than sitting there hating myself.
This would explain why I am craving sugar and chocolate so much. Sometimes that feels like the only thing that I can use to get myself home at night. I can curl up and eat some kind of cake. Cake makes me feel better. It soothes me out and settles me down. Sadly, distractions are wearing thin. I have lots of ideas for dinner but I have learned by watching that I don’t get around to actually being able to make anything. I feel like I can but I collapse before anything gets done. I wasn’t even able to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich last night. I conked out with a dinner of potato chips, baby tomatoes and marble cake edges. Dead asleep to sleep too late to then fight zombies and get to work at 11 am.
I am more healthy than I have been in some ways and have more problems in others.
And to top all of this off, I couldn’t get LJ to load for a good couple of hours. I almost didn’t post this because of that. Guess it is a good thing it has been such a slow day at work.
I hope you don’t mind that I’m reading what seems like a very personal post… I know this feeling, and you have my empathy. But you also seem to be good at self-analysis, so I guess the best thing to wish you is rapid and full self-discovery.
I only openly post things I am willing to have others read so no worries about reading it. The main reason my LJ is friend locked is because my family is starting to get blog savy and I don’t what to have to edit for them since they so don’t know the details of my life and they think they do or should. Lots of ackward question would come up that I would have to spend a lot of time trying to get them up to speed.
A lot of these “personal” posts are me admitting to things that I am doing that normally I would hide away and forget about. I am getting very good at this self-analysis stuff but that isn’t always the solution.
Thank you for the comment. When the peanut gallery is quiet it starts to feel like nobody out there is watching or cares.
I feel like I should be doing better than I am. I have the mental ability to think things through. I just don’t seem to actually move on things. It is like deciding to move your arm and noticing that you arm is just lying there like a lump. Everything feels ok, is just isn’t responding. The diagnostics say all pathways are clear and nothing seems out of place. But it doesn’t work. And I don’t know why.
And since I “know” I should be able to do better and I “want” to do better, I am really hard on myself when I am not doing. I am a firm believer that we are in control of our own lives and we have the power to change whatever. I want to change but I am not doing what I need to to make it happen. This means to me that somewhere in me I don’t want to change and I am undermining myself. I am causing my own problems. And I hate myself for doing that. Every time I get to that ledge of hating myself for what I am creating, I managed to talk myself back off of it. But it is hard work and tiring. But it is better than sitting there hating myself.
I could’ve written this myself (although not so accurately or eloquently… and oddly, I know there are a number of other people on my FL in the exact same spot.
We seem to be women, all in our late-30′s-to-early-40′s… smart, but prone to depression and yet having ‘physical’ manifestations of an inability to get the motor running despite a very real urgency in the mind to do so.
It’s the only consistency I’ve seen.
For me, it manifests in not ‘being late to work’ but ‘falling asleep on the couch while I’m supposed to be playing with Kira’ or ‘not doing anything at night or on the weekends when there are a dozen URGENT must-do things…’
If you figure this out? Let me know.
((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))))
Well I think I have evidence of one man in his mid 30s in a similar state.
Question on your “supposed to be playing with Kira” and “must do things”… are those things you want to do and find yourself not doing or are they things that you “should” do and would rather avoid if you can figure out a way to do so?
My trouble is that I find most things are things I would rather avoid and I have no leverage to make them happen. Even when I know I will be better off for doing them, I still feel like I don’t want to.
Well, I have to think it’s good we cleared out the walking dead (issues, people) who were preventing us from eating our meal in peace. Preventing us from having both a connective moment, but a moment associated with nourishment. But we hit them with a natural item in a manner that would prevent them from eating/biting/consuming us, and were able to have our meal. Not only that, but we got recognition from those around us for enabling this. Not in a big way, but in little flags.
hating myself for what I am creating
*sigh* You and me both, girlfriend. You and me both.
My current struggle on this is accepting that whatever I create is ultimately for the best. Which is pretty darn hard to accept when the demons come knocking on the door for a “talk”. The only real comfort I can offer is that I’ve found that even when things aren’t working out the way I want them to, they have consistently worked out for the best. (And that’s not an “eat your vegetables” kind of best — it’s a real, honest good.)
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Change takes time, no matter how much we may wish that it would go faster.
Cake
There is a reason they call it comfort food. but not all cake is bad.
First the pun – http://www.cakemusic.com/
Then the serious stuff, With what little I know of your diet, have you tried keeping carrot cake, or zuchini break mix on hand? Thay when you could whip upp, fairly easily, something yummy and comforting that was not SOO horrendus on teh sugars.
Though I know you are not one for cooking most of the time, but I find part of the comfort is the fresh-baked part of the cake. if it isn’t for you, you can just keep a stash from the bakery, or Tradjer Joes, on hand for ‘emergencies’.
Good luck babe!
Be well,
~MHC
Your post resonates with me strongly. I feel like I am going through some of the same feelings right now. I admire the insight you have into your own thought processes!
It is comments like this that make me glad that I post the things I do. I am going to go through it and I am going to see what I see. If someone else can get something out of it, the worth of the experience increases exponentially. Thank you for letting me know to keep posting these type of things.
As for the insight on my own thought processes, it is one of my natural strengths. I have always been able to do it. I figure I pay for it with a weakness somewhere else. Balance in everything. I also have this great tool (or at least I think it is great) that helps me track stuff from the surface to under the surface. It is called the Enneagram.