As the subject says, I am functional and fragile.

I am off the narcotics and using ibuprofen as needed. My sleep schedule is totally messed up. I still can’t drink enough water because for every swallow I have to fight it going up my nose. My tongue still hurts and flavors are still very intense. I am still really careful about what I eat but I am starting to add food that I make to the menu of all prepackaged crap. I still spend most of my time watching tv. My eyes are still bothering me badly and it is hard to focus both vision and mentally. I don’t read as much as I normally do. My places is still a disaster but I have managed to do a sink full of dishes.

I went to Walnut Creek today to do some work for my old company. I worked for about 3.5 hours and I have been here about 6. I am very tired and not looking forward to the drive home. I have been able to get myself to the store and to Kaiser and around town as needed most of the time.

This recovery is taking a lot longer and is a lot harder than I anticipated. The depression is back in full force and has a layer of anxiety/panic to it. I have pretty much no reserves and am really raw. It is very easy for me to break down into tears and get all irrational through mental spinning. This is worse than it has been but I guess it is just another phase. I am increasing my appointments and sessions to counter this. I am so terrified about money issues that I am refusing to deal with them. I just sort of close my eyes and spend what I need to and hope that I have had things set well enough to handle this time period of blindness. I took a peek today and so far it seems ok.

I have two friends that call and check on me daily and I still appreciate that. I figure that when it starts to annoy me, it is time for it to stop. I have one friend that did something stupid that created a problem and when I called him on it, he answered. He has given me the attention and info I needed about the problem and since he is in a bad place at this time, we are able to back burner it. This is rare. Lately it seems like if something like this happens and I point it out, I am met with resistance and then ignored/avoided. Contact is dropped. Not completely but it is greatly reduced. I very much appreciate this friend standing up for himself and sharing with me his side, especially now that I know how rough things are right now for him. Other friends respond when I get ahold of them. It is tiring to do this and it is hard to keep changing to deal with different people but it is important that I continue to do it.

I am getting better. I don’t know if I could pull an entire full day of a job if I got one next week. That is still up in the air.

I think that about covers it. I have many posts going on in my head that probably will never make it to the screen. They don’t stay there long and it is trouble to get to the computer and hooked to the internet in time to post them.