An interesting thing happened on Sunday at Worldcon. I figured out why I was feeling so rotten and was practicing letting myself feel these negative emotions to see where they go instead of distracting myself. A lot of it had to do with not getting things I wanted and not feeling like I could get what I wanted. That I was setting myself up by wanting things even though the only way to get these things is to be aware you want them. And with what I figured out about my “super power,” the expectation of my abilities was set too high which made the disappointment even harsher. As I was bemoaning this to others, exploring everything about it, it happened again. One of those things I manage to do without even trying that I think is amazing.

There was a dealer of really neat gaming dice (http://q-workshop.com) at the convention. I wanted two of the kind that are covered in skulls(http://q-workshop.com/products.php?lang=EN&sell_type=DETAL&currency=EUR&category=Special%20Entire%20Skully). I finally decided to pay the $10 to get a pair. While I was there, I asked if they were going to be at the gaming convention in the Bay Area the next weekend but they were headed home (to Poland). Since I thought their stuff was so neat and I thought I knew of a group of people that would think their stuff was so neat, I asked if they wanted to give me a stack of their brochures to take to the convention. I love playing connect the dots between people and things/events/people they would enjoy. The dealers were very interested, in fact they pushed me to take dice with me. I felt very uncomfortable because this is their merchandise I would be getting for free and I didn’t know if anything I wanted to do for them would produce any results. I play connect the dots a lot but it usually fizzles out once I am no longer involved. But I did end up with about 10 sets of dice and a few of their special dice. They wouldn’t even let me pay for the two I wanted for me. It felt so weird and uncomfortable but in a good way.

So now I am going around, not getting what I wanted but getting something else completely different. I put this into the hopper and realized that my super power isn’t making amazing things happen. Those things happen or don’t happen all on their own. I don’t have any control over them and I was foolish to think I did. It led me to a great disappointment and hurt thinking I did. But I seem to have the ability to find some of these amazing things and sliding just a little to be in the right spot for them to happen to me. More amazing things happen to other people and still others manage to always miss those amazing things. I can sometimes catch them but I can’t control them or make them happen. It isn’t a matter of me not getting what I want but what I need. I don’t need these dice. I think they are cool and I am excited to show them to others that would be excited.

I am not eager to show them to others that would not be excited and am dreading that part. But there are possibilities and I like possibilities. Already I talked to others at the con. Some people were down on the dice because they can be hard to read, but others thought they were cool. One person is taking a stack of brochures to a gaming con in the LA area next weekend. Another is taking a stack to friends and shops in the Seattle area. When I went back for more brochures after others took some, they gave me more dice of the special ones I didn’t take before. I had gotten use to the idea of these being samples to show off instead of them being dice I don’t deserve and should pass onto others that are more appropriate than me. I am grateful for the balance view of excited and uninterested before I go out and try to share my excitement about these things. I think they are cool but that isn’t my excitement. I am excited because I think that others will think they are way cool and I would like them to know about these dice.

Being able to connect someone that wants something with what they want, being able to expose someone to something they didn’t know existed that they would really like, being able to match things that should be together and create more possibilities, these are things I love to do. It makes me feel really good.

This was a bright spot in a low day and very educational.