This is a post about my experiences at Worldcon 2006 in the LA area. It is full of introspection and some events. It doesn’t really say much about the con itself but how the con affected me. Just wanted to state that since con reports are usually about the con. This was more with the watching and learning about myself.

It is long so it is cut tagged and probably going to be broken into different posts to follow when the content doesn’t fit together.

Written Sat morning

I have been excited and worried about working Worldcon. The last Worldcon I worked (and the first one I had ever been to) was an incredibly wonderful experience. I knew this one could not compete but I had hopes it would be good in its own way.

I was to be the #2 for Sign shop and Communications. In the weeks beforehand, I bugged #1 with ideas, suggestions, thoughts and grabbing what work I could do before the con. Since I planned to arrive early to the convention to help with set up, I moved that to the weekend before and dedicated an entire week (plus two days) to the convention. So from Sat through Tuesday, it was pretty much non-stop prep work for Worldcon. It felt like we were spending a lot of time spinning our wheels and goofing around while we were getting things done.

Wednesday, the con started. Slowly but the wheels started motion. By Thursday (the days just blend together) I had had enough. The only reason I was still there was because I made a commitment, I had nowhere else to go until my plane left Monday morning and there was a slight possibility that I might enjoy something later (not that I believed that but logic told me that it could happen). It made me incredibly glad I had put off a number of things I had planned to put into motion until after Worldcon because now I am thinking I don’t want to do any of them. I spent the day in the Sign shop, 7 hours straight getting out of my chair and leaving the room once to go to the bathroom, working on the computer and talking to people I know that would stop by. And I was much happier with that than I was wandering the con. Once I decided I was at a job instead of a con, I was comfortable and content. I like making all the designs and signs. I like people telling me they are so grateful and that they really enjoy these things I do that I consider easy. It is something I can do that makes them happy without costing me more than I can afford so I can also make more people happy. I am going to have to see if I can figure out how many things I have made because showing friends around later, almost everywhere we went I kept saying “and I made that one and that one and that one.” It is almost easier to count the ones I didn’t make.

So up until Thursday night, I was not happy about doing this con.

Then Friday showed up. I seemed to have a complete change of attitude. I felt in sync with the experience of the con. I was able to connect with people again instead of feeling on my guard and defensive. I really enjoyed the things I did, the people I talked to and the experience I was having.

These are my observations:
I don’t travel well. In some ways it is the physical change to my routine. It takes me awhile to get caught up with myself. But I think I am noticing that a lot of it is mental. I am away from home where I know how things work. I have to carry food with me everywhere, constantly be learning different locals than those I am familiar with and how the people around me work. I am staying with friends but I don’t know the way they work or how I need to be around them to get my needs/wants met. I noticed this when fresne and capricious_k showed up and I moved from #1′s room into theirs. All of a sudden, I felt much more grounded and comfortable. I also noticed it got impossible to get out of bed again (I didn’t seem to have too much trouble in the time before and so this was a surprise). There was good and bad in this switch.

On Thursday, I found that the people I most wanted to talk to were too busy to be found (for some reason I seem to hang with those that run these things), the people I knew that were available were more of the surface friend type and I people I don’t know I didn’t want to talk to. I would cruise the Tuesday and Wednesday night parties briefly and then head back to my room and crash because I actually don’t like parties. I felt uncomfortable and didn’t enjoy them.

When C&K showed up Thursday night and we went party hopping together, I felt so much better. I found myself talking to a Baen author who I had never met with my friends on the other side of the room in their own group. And Friday night, I wandered the parties on my own and talked to a lot of interesting people I had never met before. This is what I remember from cons. This is how I got to meet many of my friends. This is what I like. I think that having C&K here provided me with a safety net and I could afford to stretch farther than I could by myself. I think being at home allows me that same safety net. I can really see how defended I was the first couple of nights. Even though I have a lot of people here that like me and care for me and would do an awful lot of I needed them to (and are in positions to do a lot if needed). But they still aren’t home and I don’t know them that well and they don’t know me that well.

Then we get to Saturday, one of the meatiest days of the con. I still haven’t gotten myself up and ready and it is already 1:30pm. Tomorrow we start to tear down so time is running out. But I feel ok. My slowness is my normal “just don’t want to get moving for any reason,” not because I hate what is outside my door. In fact, if I hated what was outside my door, I might move faster and confront it instead of feeling the anxiety of dreading it. Since I don’t dread it, I don’t have that motivation. Funny how all this works.

————–
Written Monday night.

Well, Worldcon 2006 is over and I am so glad. I am glad to be home. This last week took a lot out of me and I think I learned a lot. As some say more f*@&ing opportunities for growth. The first Sat and Sunday when I arrived in the LA area were wearing, all focused on getting ready for the con. Monday was harsh, getting to the con, setting up the Sign Shop and prepping Communications in our room with 5 people and the baggage of 3 people doing emergency print jobs non-stop until 2am. Tuesday was harsh still doing emergency print jobs in the morning and fighting to get the Sign Shop room a day earlier than Powers That Be had planned for all while people were getting stressed about getting their walkie-talkies since we were still trying to program each one by hand (There were 85 boost mobile phones in use and the machine we expected to use programming them didn’t make it before con). Busy and stressful but workable. Wed was more printing and phone programming. The con kicked into full swing Thursday and as I already wrote, I didn’t do well until C&K arrived. Friday was great. I was making cool things, people were telling me they appreciated my cool things, I was able to talk to strangers and feel comfortable, I was part of my community again. Sat was ok. It was about typical for a normal con. Some good, some not so good but over all just fine and somewhat enjoyable.

Then I ran into a problem later in the night. We are reaching the end of the con, time is running out. There were things I wanted, things I worked to have happen or get or be a part of, etc. I have this idea I have that super power to make amazing things happen. The LA Worldcon in 1996 was one of those times. And it didn’t work this time. I tried to stay open, I tried to appreciate what I had instead of looking at what I wanted. But again and again, I saw things that I wanted not work out, or the price I would have to pay is one I decided would be against my wellbeing even if I wanted to pay it, or I would pay it and still not get what I wanted. It got harder and harder to appreciate what I was getting. I wasn’t doing so great and was feeling trapped, so I called it quits relatively early and headed to bed. All I knew at the time was that I was getting frustrated but not the reason why. Then I spent at least 2 hours watching the clock and not being able to sleep. There were so many things I wanted to do, that were agitating me to get up and do them but I knew I was so tired I needed the sleep so I kept trying. I couldn’t do most of the things I wanted until morning anyway.

When the morning showed up, I started in on things when I felt I could move and then spent the next few hours in a battle of trying to accomplish what I needed to get accomplish and running against time. Along the way, I hit a few more experiences that provided evidence of why I was so frustrated the night before and this morning. I knew that being tired and worn out was why I was in an emotional state and that was the reason tears were sitting behind my eyes ready to flow at the least little thing. I felt horrible which also set up the loop of the rational side knowing that there wasn’t really a problem fighting the emotional side that wanted to blow everything up to a grand scale. I repeated to myself over and over that it was ok to feel lousy even if there was no “real” reason to calm myself down which moved the fight deeper under the surface. I hope it made the fight less but I don’t know.

So Sunday was another miserable day. We finally got everything finished. I managed to get my three pieces of checked luggage shelled out to three different paths home so I could manage with just my carry on for my trip early Monday morning. I really didn’t get much of a chance to say good-bye to anyone that I saw at the con. Once I gave up on the con experience, I was ok doing the work that needed to be done and I appreciated that. Those that I was with were pretty much fried too. More so than I have ever seen them. It doesn’t seem like we did that much but it was a lot. Again, I received a Hero of the Con award. My boss also received a Super Hero of the Con award which he deserved for all his work before con if nothing else.

Gee, I have taken on a chunk of serious responsibility for two conventions and both time I have received Awards and had a miserable time. I am going to end up thinking that I should get an Award when I really work for a con being more than a minion. Now my ego and my sanity are fighting it out in the background. I will be interested in seeing which one wins. I am betting on my sanity. But the ego can be strong especially since it doesn’t seem to be that egotistical. It pulls in reserves from others getting excited about things.

I got dropped off at where I was spending the night and was so tired I opted to head directly to bed instead of the hot tub or pool at 8pm. Sadly, when Wolfcat, who did go to the hot tub came in, I was still trying to go to sleep and not any closer to succeeding. The night was lousy because I was too hot. I woke up over and over. Around 3am, I almost got up and worked on my computer to use up the last hour and a half before we needed to get up. As Bert said later, if I had wireless internet connection, I probably would have and this would have been posted sooner. Wolfcat and I caught our planes at 7am this morning. Ren_Wench picked me up at a bart station, reunited me with one of my bags and dropped me off at home.

I was so homesick on this trip. I wanted to be where I knew where everything was, what I could do to take care of myself, the bed was something I could sleep in, etc. It was hot and clear with that Gaseous Burning Ball of Evil (the sun) in the sky in the LA area. At home it was winter again and I should have been wearing pants instead of shorts. That made me very happy. But, it also looked so dirty and worn and tired. There was a great deal of disappointment in being home. I guess I got use to being in a bright clean high-end hotel where you are cleaned up after.

When I got home, I pretty much headed to bed. I slept, wonderful wonderful sleep from around 10am to 4 or 5pm. I watched two shows off my very full TiVo and now I am writing out my adventures. Tomorrow I go into work and find out what is up with that.

To wrap up. I am pleased I had this experience. It was not really an enjoyable one. I do appreciate and will probably enjoy the consequences of this experience. I was looking at my pictures on the way to the airport this morning and I found myself already feeling nostalgic about the event.

This reminds me of how I felt about Baycon. I don’t know if it is something I want to repeat. I want to have enjoyable experiences again, please. There were a number of plans I put off putting into motion until after Worldcon. I was excited about them and wanted to start talking to people but logically knew I needed to wait until this huge energy suck was over before I moved on them. I am so glad I waited because I can’t do all of them and I am thinking I shouldn’t do any of them. I have a strong feeling of “Never Again” while under it all another feeling of “it would be cool to see if I can do …” licks at the back on my mind. I did learn that I really can’t do everything I think I can and I will hit a limit and probably just shut down. And by that time I probably should have shut down sooner. I can not compare myself to the people I admire because I will come out grossly lacking. My strengths are not theirs and visa versa.