I am a tad uncomfortable posting this to the internet as someday it may be able to be used against me by unscrupulous people. We all know the internet is not a secure venture. But this is something I have been pondering tonight, it was important enough to me to type out and others might get some insight about it (about me or as a mirror to themselves). I also wanted it out there so it would be a milestone for me in the future. If I didn’t post it, I might forget it all and never get any good out of it.

My latest ex is deceitful. He hid information about a 7 day trip he was going to take planned before we even went out. He hid the fact that he decided to take his prior ex-girlfriend on the trip when he assumed I would decline going if he asked me. He took copies of some files of mine I told him I didn’t want him to have. He went from telling me that he wanted open communication with me, that he cared and loved me to refusing to answer my phone calls or return email messages because he didn’t want to deal with me. But he doesn’t lie to me. When asked directly (if I am actually talking with him) he tells me straight up what is going on. I have to guess the right questions and I get full honest answers. That is his line. He doesn’t lie to me. Even to save himself a lot of grief and hassle. (I don’t think he understands my being wired backwards and telling be ahead of time will save him so much more grief and hassle, poor sod.) I believe this to be true (I may be wrong).

I got to thinking about this line he draws. I don’t know what lines I can draw about myself. I lie. I have no problem with it. I lie when it suits me. I lie when I think it is the right thing to do. I don’t tell people things. I tend to not lie or hide things. I prefer honesty. I don’t like hiding things. But I don’t have a moral issue with doing it. I just think it gets in the way of things working right a lot of the time.

I use to have a fabulous memory. I could remember entire conversations, almost word for word. I could repeat discussions and arguments back to people days, sometimes even months later. Now, people will tell me something I said, something I seemed to feel very strongly about and I can’t remember. It goes against how I am feeling at the moment so it seems like something I wouldn’t have said. But slowly, the memory comes back and I realize not only did I have that point of view at one time, I have completely change my mind from something I did feel strongly about. This happens all the time now on a number of different levels. I have gotten to a point when I say I feel a certain way about some issue or that I behave a certain way, I add “I think” to it because I may prove myself wrong and not ever realize it because I have forgotten something.

I don’t like causing pain. There are times when killing someone is something I think there is no way I could do. Other times, I can feel myself being able to take someone by the neck, under their jaw and smashing their head into the wall or floor until I cracked their skull.

I feel I have a huge range of personalities inside. From Tough Girl to Simpering Idiot and everything between. Good traits and bad. Things that contradict with other things inside the same person. If it were broken into discrete bits, then I probably would have some sort of multiple personality disorder. But it is coherent. I swing through them, as I head from one to the next. I am aware of all the aspects in there. When I am reminded of something, I can usually see it. That is what means I am probably sane. But I am not sure who I am. It seems that I don’t have a steady state that I can count on. A stable base to build from. Everything is in flux, always. It isn’t a bad or good thing, it is a neutral observation. But it makes the following questions hard to answer. And I feel there should be answers.

Where do I draw my lines? What can I (or others) count on? Who exactly am I?

Maybe I am just a Probability Field. Maybe this is related to why it is so hard to describe me. Maybe I don’t have lines but DMZs.

At this point, I am so caught up in the lack of distinction, I can’t even figure out what shape the DMZs have. What is a Gina shape probability field. I am just tickled I figure out a possible description to replace what I lack in lines. Something new to ponder.