Recently I had someone close to me that has trouble with some of the clothes I wear. An example is my drawstring velvet pants. He was concerned about how strangers would judge me based on what I wore and thereby judge him based on his association with me.
There was a lot of discussion about this. I understand his point of view and I sort of agree with it. I actually want those strangers that would judge me by my clothes and dismiss me to do exactly that. I want what he is so worried about happening. If someone were to judge me based on my clothes and dismiss me without getting to know me better, that is the type of person I don’t want around me. I want them to go away so I don’t have to deal with them.
There are “normal” people out there. Many of fandom call them mundanes. There is my subset of people. I usually refer to them as “my type of people.” They are the fans, the geeks, the oddballs I hang out with and enjoy. I found the option of being around “my type of people” in college. I hung out with the New Wave crowd. We wore rhinestones and formal wear to class. We cut our hair into odd shapes, died it unnatural colors, stuck it straight up (or in some weird concoction) and painted our faces. We were different and we wanted people to know it. One of the things I realized about the people dealing with us is that they had to overcome how we looked. Something I saw with the New Wave crowd was that we were very open to anyone that wanted to talk with us.
My theory is that everyone has defenses set up when dealing with people they don’t know. Normal people have all that small talk, weather, sports, social niceties that you have to go through to get to know someone to find out if it is safe to let down some of your defenses. The defenses the New Wave crowd had was on the surface. People were able to tell a lot about each of us by what we wore, what we looked like, and how we presented ourselves. If they liked what they saw and still approached us, then it was likely that it was ok to have lowered defenses. So there was less game playing, less tug and pull to see where people stood. It was a much more open environment.
I prefer this open environment. I like it when I don’t need to put up defenses. I like the concept of people being prescreened before they even get to talking to me. I want the judgment of those Mundanes out there that think I am a bit off and should be avoided.
Ever since this discussion about the clothes I wear, I have been very aware of every comment about my velvet pants that I have made. I have gotten so many complements (from like to love them) from people I enjoy and respect. Even professionals that have no reason to give me a complement. I think I have had one comment from a family member (who’s taste I think lowly of) that they look like pajamas, which I will admit, sometimes they do.
Sometimes, I must sacrifice my desire for a different appearance for things like work environments. But even then, I have a tendency to bring a taste of it in.
We are judged by our appearance. And there are times I am very grateful for the distaste of “normal” society.
I’m not sure what I think of your companion that has issues about how *you* dress reflecting on him.
Last I checked, how *you* dressed reflects on you. No matter how narcissistic someone else is.
When I was in my early 20′s, my father complained to my therapist that he wished I could be “normal” – and she told him that I never really would be, that as long as I lived, I’d be somewhat different. He couldn’t accept it – kept saying that this was just a phase, and I’d get over it some day.
When I was around 30, we talked about that, and I said ‘do you understand now, Dad, that even while I may look less extreme, I’ll never quite be “normal” even if I can pull it off when I need to?’ and he said yes… and I said “I guess it wasn’t just a phase, then, was it?” to which he replied “yes it was.” Before I could do more than stutter in astonishment he said “It was completely a phase – mine. I was going through a phase where I thought how you looked reflected on me, when the truth is, it’s not about me. I like how you look. I’m glad you are true to yourself.”
Could’ve knocked me over with a feather.
I like your appearance – but anyone who thinks that your “difference” is skin deep, and could be ‘fixed’ by changing your clothes doesn’t know you at all.
How horrid would it be to look “normal” and have to go through that whole game of someone totally incompatible with you taking the time to get to know you only to find out that you really aren’t their “kind of people”?
Why waste the time?
*hug*
Stay you.
When I bleached my hair for the first time and when I dyed it purple, my dad would just shake his head and say I would grow out of it. I think he has finally grown out of it.
I really like what your dad said.
What my companion was concerned about is that he would get painted with the same brush that was being used on me. That he would look normal but be judged as whatever I was being judged as. This makes sense when the people doing the judging are important and can affect your life, like at your boss’ dinner party or in politics. It does not make sense when walking around a mall or hanging with friends in a bar.
And besides, when I do “Different” I like to do it with Class and Style!
I love this quote:
How horrid would it be to look “normal” and have to go through that whole game of someone totally incompatible with you taking the time to get to know you only to find out that you really aren’t their “kind of people”?
Why waste the time?
BTW what are you doing up so late silly? Guess it could be the have young child sort of thing. Me, I just got up really late and am not wanting to head to bed. I have literally silent all day and might be tomorrow as well so I am being noisy on-line.
Last minute Christmas push – it’s at our house this year – and sometimes, it’s just plain easier to get things done when the child is asleep.
I’ll be up way-late tonight too!
*hug*
I am so amused by your story about your dad because when I read the first half of your comment I was going to point out that most people who think the appearance of their companions reflects poorly on them are teenagers (i.e. “Mom! You’re embarassing me!”). Seems like you managed to completely reverse that in your family!
Fortunately for me my mom and I are both very much freaks but of very different types. And while neither of us would be found in the other’s clothes (her style is more to have just come out of the garden with dirt on her knees and frayed holes in her cuffs) we respect each other’s choices with only occasional eye-rolling. My sister totally went through the “Mom! You’re embarassing me!” phase though!
Personally, I like the option to blend in when I feel it would be to my advantage not to stand-out too much (say, first day of a temp assignment), but even then I still retain some touch of my style, just to be true to myself. I do, however, respect my friends who have more obvious expressions of their sense of style. Your attitude that if someone is dismissing you because of how you dress, then they are not people who you want around you anyway is something I can totally relate to. Really, if they do have issues with the way you dress, it is their own issue(s) that is coming out if they even say anything. It is a good litmus test of who can handle being a close associate or not. One issue that comes to mind is when someone makes assumptions about you beyond just dismissing you that makes your life more difficult because you still have to deal with them, yet they have already made up their minds about what kind of person you are.
As to dads and how they react to this type of expression, I never had any issues with mine or with my mother, although my step-mother and I have had occasional knocking of heads over the years. I know that with her, it really is about her own issues about fitting in. I come to the conclusion just the other day that I may need to sit-down with her and have a talk with her about it because it seems we are both still letting it effect us, which can be a problem in family gatherings (like I am in right now).
Never be anything but yourself Gina. It’s what I love you for anyway
My fears are quite the opposite. I always fear fitting in with the people I like. Yeah, not with the mainstream and all that, but the people I like. And I fear what people will think of what I do and how I act. It tends to be totally irrational, but it is the major reason I can’t get out there and dance. And really holds me up in other ways as well.
You just keep being you
You know, I can’t even begin to count the number of times that someone has discounted me on first sight, simply because of my obesity- it doesn’t even MATTEr what clothes I’m wearing, people are shallow and narrow-minded enough to judge what kind of soul must reside inside a body like mine!
Fuck ‘em. We discussed this to some degree during Equus, and I still say I think you’re better off being true to yourself, and being comfortable in your clothes, which really are an extension of your personality on the outside.
I ran with the New Romantic crowd in high school, and transferred to the pretentious goth-look shortly after that- mind you, this is back in 1990, so it was very different than what you see nowadays under the subheading of “goth”- and I reveled in finding the people who were strong enough in themselves to take the time to get underneath the make-up and the hair falls (and the weight!) to get to know me- at that time, I wasn’t very comfortable with myself, so I wore what I did as a wall- I also specifically did not want anyone who would discount me based on how I looked to even bother with talking to me.
Anyone who is going to assume I am a lazy, slovenly person with a horrendous over-eating habit that I cannot control that has made me look the way I do is not only WAY off the mark- but they’re not worth my time.
Anyone who is going to think that a pair of velvet pants marks you as a “freak”, and therefore will bleed over to them is ALSO not worth it.
Much love from the other Freaks who know you, and adore you for YOU, as well as for your particular sense of fashion! Because I do, ya know- the first thing I noticed about you was your haircut- and I adored it!
Hey, I like those drawstring pants!