I haven’t been posting not because nothing interesting is happening but because so much is going on I don’t know what to post and what not to. My life is a roller coaster and it is in the lower depths lately.

A bright note was last night, went to see Cirque Du Soleil ~ Varekai. I liked it much better than Dralion but it didn’t surpass Quidam (I don’t think any ever could). Went with two friends and had a bouncy time. I am very lucky in that my department at work is treating us to it in a month so I get to go again.

The dark note is something I found out today. Last night before meeting my friends, I finally found a reference to a friend of mine from my college years. I keep losing contact with him and re-connecting again and again. Since I moved out of Colorado (this last time), I haven’t been able to find him till now. The reference was for a sculpture of him donated by the Christopher Ludlum Memorial Art Committee. His name is Christopher Ludlum. How can you have a memorial thingy named after you if you’re not dead? This morning, I was able to call the people associated with the sculpture donation and confirmed that you get memorial thingies by being dead. He drowned about 9 years ago, about the last time I lost contact with him.

Now, this is a friend that I haven’t seen in 10 years. We weren’t all that close. He was somebody I was very impressed with and I was one of the many many friends he had. I have even told Christopher the Mime stories this year to people, so he has been in my thoughts. The only thing I have lost is the possibility of re-connecting with him. What amazes me is how much I Feel over this. As soon as I got off the phone, I had to run to the bathroom because I was falling apart. I had to tell an HR person to bug off because she heard me crying and wouldn’t leave me alone. I had an idea what was coming in terms of the news but not my reaction to it. I wasn’t this affected by my grandmother’s death and I was involved with her when that happened. In a few days, my feelings will mellow out to a level that matches with how important this really is to me. But for now, they are almost overwhelming. Well, the “almost” comes in waves, the feelings are overwhelming and then recede for a little bit. I Feel too much. Things get larger than life. I lose control. I hate it.

It is like a tidal wave that crashes into me and then recedes. After a while, even the water dries up and I can’t understand what the big deal was all about. Even when being crashed into, I understand how important an event should be but it Feels like so much more. I don’t belittle the event, I just know this feeling is so much more than it should be.

This is a lot of what has been going on lately. Larger than life emotions in many directions, mostly not good. I look fine on the outside and I am dealing with everything fine on the surface but the undercurrent is pulling downward. I skipped the Plough Monday because I knew I couldn’t take the tension between the surface and undercurrent. My way of trying to deal with this is to pull away and it hurts to watch from the outside. It doesn’t matter that people might actually want me on the inside, I can only see the things keeping me out.

This news about my friend actually speared right through everything. It may turn out to be a good thing for me right now.

For those of you reading this who know me, please don’t treat me any different. I hate being treated like I am greatly affected by something after my emotions have calmed down. Just be aware that I am feeling a little isolated and maybe give me a hug if you see me just because I am me. Not because I am feeling down. At the moment you see me, I might not be.