The question “How are you?” has been bugging me quite a bit lately for two reasons. I have always had issues with it being used as a statement of greeting and not really a question. One of those, why do you ask if you don’t really want to know type of things. My attitude is that you asked, you are going to get an answer. I usually avoid answering with the placeholder of “Fine.” I have to come up with something unique and something true. For awhile now my answer has been “vertical.”
So, the problem that has been bugging me is when people actually ask you because they want to know.
Lately, I have come up with a new definition for FINE: Functional In Normal Environments. So, if I say “Fine” this is what I mean. It doesn’t indicate things either good or bad. I means I am functional at the time. Things could be really bad in most of my life but if the part that overlaps with others is functional, then FINE works. Things could be really good in other parts of life but if I don’t want to go into it, then FINE works. Admittedly, when things are going good, it is easier for me to find an answer other than FINE so it is less likely to show up on the positive side of things. The hard part now is to overcome my old habits of not saying “fine.”
The other part of my problem with “How are you?” is that it is a much more complex question to answer than before. It used to be that I had about one level of friends. If I liked you, I counted you as a friend. The emotional investment was the same for most everyone. Some friends I spent more time around, some I was much more enchanted with but pretty much I liked everyone a similar amount and would invest similar amounts of energy into each one of my “friends.” Also, my life was also rather homogeneous, everything was involved with everything else. I may have had a lot of different things going on but I was well blended. Now, I have a much larger range to my friends, I have people that are deeply important to me and others that are on the fringes. In 1997, I actually had to prioritize my list of friends because I didn’t have the energy to maintain my old ways. In the last year or two, I have added a lot of depth to some of my relationships. My life is also much more complex. I have many areas that have different levels of success and failure. I am more deeply invested in it as well. So, now when asked by a friend “How are you?” I have to figure out what part of my life they interact with, what the status level of that part of my life is, what they might actually be interested in and figure out how to answer. Most of the time, I don’t have an answer and I need a more defined version of the question. So, if I ask what do you mean or what are you really asking, it just means that I want to give you a real answer and not some pat response.
Word.
I am also reluctant to say “fine” as an answer to “how are you?” either. Some of my answers include:
well enough
well enough [for a Monday, etc]
alive
awake
tired
not so bad
Most of these are noncommittal enough to allow people to elicit more information if they wish, but also leave it at that as well.
I try not to ask a question if I don’t want the answer, even if the question is a coloquialism for something else.
My answers tend to be real, but I’m more than a little tired of hearing “Just ok?” in response to “I’m Okay” when people ask how I am. Ok is neutral. Ok means there’s nothing bad to complain about, and nothing high-energy-good to bounce about. There’s nothing wrong with “okay”, and if I didn’t spend a fair chunk of my time being “just” okay, I’d never be able to have the energy for those other times!
These days my most common answer is “tired”.
So… yeah, I know how you feel
–Ember–
I think that is the best definition of “fine” I’ve yet seen, as it’s used in that context.
I’ll stick with my old standby…
How are you?
Fair-to-partly cloudy, with a chace of <insert either rain or sun here>
love the acronym, definitely empathise with “is this a stock answer or do they really want to know?”
sometimes I just screw with people(myself) and get theatrical… a la, “How are _you_?”
“Oh, I’m just FABULOUS, darling!” and sometimes it does put me into a fabulous mood, which is like a bonus.
I also like, “Well, I _could_ complain, but what would be the point?”
What I tell people usually makes them stop asking me after the first couple of times. The conversation usually goes like this:
Bubba: “Hey, how are ya?”
Emmett: (looks at Bubba) “…compiling…”
Bubba: huh?
Emmett: (looks away) “…compiling… …compiling…”
Bubba: what?
Emmett: “…compiling… …processing…”
Bubba: um…
Emmett: “I’m good. How are you?”
Bubba: (laughs nervously and forgets what he came up to talk about)
I hate the “how are you” question when it comes from strangers but am OK with it when it comes from friends. I generally assume friends want to know and sorting out the level of answer to give generally happens in stages – I give the first order approximation (“bouncy”, “tired”, “happy”, “stressed”, “really anxious to leave on my vacation”, “angstful”, “annoyed with work”, etc…) and if they are a second-level friend they will ask for the second-order approximation and the conversation will proceed from there.
My favorite response when strangers ask “How are you?” is “Yes.” It really confuses them
It has been pointed out by friends from other countries that it is a particular peculiarity of American culture/language that we constantly ask strangers “How are you?” as a manner of greeting and are expected to give a pat positive response, when in actuality the person asking, quite frequently doesn’t give a crap, and the person being asked knows it. Like when the Safeway checker asks “How are you doing today?” as their greeting when you step up…seriously, I don’t want to talk about it with them, and I’m annoyed by having to answer it. Gah.
I personally like to get honest and actual responses when I ask people I know “how’s things?” – I intend it to be a point of conversation, not a salutation.
As far as you and I, I suppose we’re on a peculiar fringe with eachother, having known eachother for some time, but never really gaining much depth. I would be pleased to become better friends, so please feel free to consider my inquiries as real questions.
DOUBLE GAH! I suffer from a condition that renders me unable to recognize that EACH OTHER is TWO WORDS.
Word.
I usually say “not bad” to strangers and give a more honest answer to friends. I think I gauge friendship levels in somewhat the same way you do, but am not usually as conscious that that’s what I’m doing. It’s only just now occurred to me that that might be part of the reason it always takes me so long to answer.
Comment….
What, you got a comment from me, revel in the rarity.
Oh and that song is still being a pain in the ass to get a decent version of, but I haven’t stopped trying.