Horoscope for Dec 18 2003:The coming year will be a favorable time to double your commitment to rowdy fun. I encourage you to attend more parties than usual and always be on the lookout for how you can energize social occasions with acts of joyous abandon. You’ll also be wise to infuse even your intimate encounters with boisterous amusements. Therefore, Scorpio, please consider doing more handstands on barstools in 2004. Try dancing on tabletops with only some of your clothes on, slurping right out of punch bowls, starting food fights, and knocking over lamps while spontaneously making love. If I were going to get you a symbolic holiday gift this year, it might be a chandelier, conveying to you my hope that you will bring back the lost art of swinging on chandeliers.

I have been doing this more often but the problem with swinging from the chandelier is sometimes you fall and crash. That happened this weekend.

At the Disaster House Party, I popped a piece of fruit into my mouth that I didn’t realize until I chewed a few times was soaked in alcohol. I spit it out as soon as I could but still managed to absorb enough alcohol to concern me. I decided I wasn’t going to be leaving soon like I thought I would and went to sit down. I while trying to figure out if what I was feeling was due to a reaction or due to the fear of the reaction, I got some lovely attention and delightful distractions. I started feeling better and I still didn’t want to leave. One of the things about my issue with sugar (and therefore alcohol as well) is one of the possible reactions it to go way up up up and then come plummeting down. I hit bottom and bounce. That bounce many times appears as what I call the Shakes. It looks a little bit like an epileptic seizure where different parts of my body will jerk and I can’t really stop it. I can usually choose what jerks and will set one hand or foot to be the thing with the extra energy so the rest of the body can relax. I don’t like it. It scares me. It really scares people around me. It is not life threatening and has become very normal and happens occasionally when I have over extended or if I have something like sugar or alcohol (caffeine is bad too). I will get better but I need time, to stop spending energy and do what I need to take care of myself. This is what I risk by have a full social life including cons, dancing and parties around substances that doesn’t treat me well. I know the risks and other than public humiliation, they aren’t that bad.

One thing that needs to be addressed is the concern others have for me. I appreciate it, I really do, but when I am at this really low point, I can’t afford the energy it takes to reassure others that I am ok. When someone doesn’t know what is going on and is really concerned and hovers to be sure you are all right, it takes energy to educate them on what is wrong and what needs to be done about it. This issue is what got me sent to the hospital last August that has really cause me grief. I use to have a group of friends that termed themselves the Gina Palmer Maintenance Team that knew what the issues were and what to do about them. The best thing they did for me was when I went down was to gather around me and reassure people I was fine so I could focus on getting fine. The team has been disbanded because it ended up being too much for anyone. It was a wonderful thing but not really workable.

The best thing to do for me when I hit bottom is to ask if I am ok, ask if there is anything you can do for me (if you really are willing to do something) and LISTEN to my answers. Get me what I ask for, do what I need done and if I say I will be ok, take me at my word. I know what I am going through better than anyone else. Just because you think I look really bad and are really concerned, you views are not more valid than mine because you don’t have the necessary information to make a real determination. Even doctors are out of their element with this because their tests don’t show anything. If you want to really take care of me, then don’t make me take care of you by putting any energy into you to make you feel better about leaving me alone. I know it doesn’t seem that way when you see someone hurting and really want to help, but for me, that is how it is. Maintaining social connections and caring about others takes energy. When I hit bottom, I can’t afford that energy. The clueless do not deserved to have me rip their heads off because they are trying to help. And while ripping their heads off takes less energy than politely trying to extradite myself, it is still energy I need for myself. I appreciate people’s concern. I would feel really lost and uncared for if it wasn’t there but I do need people to listen and believe me when I say I will be fine and to leave me alone. If I turn out to not to be ok after I said I would, never fear, I am a wimp. I will swallow my pride, risk humiliation and rejection and ask for the help I need. I had a boyfriend when I first encountered these Shakes that would just hold me and wait patiently. Not try to fix anything, no try to make me better, not get anything for me, not need anything from me. He was there if I needed anything and trusted me to ask. It helped so much.

I am sorry to all those I want to touch base with at the Disaster House Party before I left. I didn’t have the energy or the ability to make my goodbyes. Thank you to all those that were concerned for me. I had what I needed and I felt that there was more for the asking if required. This post is mostly information so people will have a clue how to deal with me when this happens again. So far in about the last six months, it has happened at different levels at a Rachel party, Pantheacon and DHP. If I am rude/curt and walk out of a party without say goodbye, it is probably because I am getting close to bottom. Feel free to ask if I am ok. It is all right to show your concern. Just don’t insist on getting a hug from me or that you will do something for me. Be prepared to just let me be and not get in my way.