I am done.
I expect and demand equal respect. I am reducing the respect I show to the level of respect I have received. I am tired of putting his needs/wants ahead of my own and not being taken care of in return. Someone pointed out that I have been/am looking at this as being a victim. I am only as much a victim as I allow myself to be. I have waited too long in hopes of something good. That hope is gone. It is way past time for me to be thinking of me first. I use to be good at quiting. It is time to dust off those abilities.
I quit.
“No” is a perfectly valid – and wonderfully strong – word. Do you recall how much fun I was having shouting it when we were out walking?
It is easy to get stuck in a pattern, to think that there is a one size fits all answer. Good for you for seeing that a different approach from what you were doing was needed.
Let me know if I can be of help.
There has been talk of a Silly Games Night at the Lawn this weekend. What does you calendar think of an invitation to such a thing?
It isn’t a matter of saying No. It is a matter of not holding a door open anymore. Of not waiting to hear from him. Of giving up on the possibility of a good result and giving in to the fact that it is going to be the bad one instead.
Everything I did was stuff I offered, not stuff that was asked of me. I gave. I did not get. I did good. I did not do good for me. Actually, I am reverting to an old pattern, a one-size fits all answer. I tried something new and did not get the support I needed to maintain it. I feel foolish for trying. Hopefully, next time, I will be able to try it again and have someone worthy of the effort instead of having someone teaching me to being a bitch would have been better.
Sat is full but Sunday could be free. I might even have a kristil in tow depending on her schedule and interests. I don’t know about silly games, I am not much of one for board games where competing is involved.
That sounds just awful.
You are not foolish for your trying you are brave for taking the chance.
Sunday….I’ll look into that. The Kristil would be more than welcome!
Standing Up For Yourself…
…and demanding the respect you deserve is a good thing.
As pointed out, “NO” is a valid and strong word.
I’m glad to hear you’re taking care of yourself. Call me if you need anything, or just need to blow off steam
*hugs*
Re: Standing Up For Yourself…
See my reply to about “NO.”
The thing about respect is that I am still not going to get what I deserve. I will get what I am given. I am changing what I expect and adjusting what I am giving accordingly. This brings about balance. Balance is important.
Funny thing is I would have probably gotten what I felt I needed if I didn’t respect his wishes. But by respecting his wishes, I was not taken care of the way I felt I needed. The end result would have been the same except I would probably feel better and he would feel worse but we would be more balanced. Once the feelings have mellowed out, I am hoping I will feel vindicated by my actions over the last 7 months and not like the fool I feel now.
Thanks for your support.
Re: Standing Up For Yourself…one step more.
not to be harsh, but you don’t get what you’re given…you get what you negotiate for, what you take with your skills and attitude and language (spoken and unspoken) and your position and reactions. Terry Pratchett said it best, in one of the Science of the Diskworld books, about the world being owned by the person who was shouting “What is this! I had a full glass of beer, right here! Take this water away and bring me my pint, right now!”
Balance is important, giving freely is good–if you can take freely as well. If you’re being put off, the impediment–the distancing–changes the negotiation.
Hope this makes sense. It does to me, where I am, right now. It’s cold blooded, and not in line with “romantic” love, but …it’s true.
Good luck!
Re: Standing Up For Yourself…one step more.
Seen from one side, this is true. The dilemma I was in was that I was told to wait before taking because it hurt him too much. He was in a bad space and did need it. I was trying to respect him, so I waited. Then, later, there was nothing left of the relationship to take. There was no negotiation because there was no communication. Things changed without any kind of notice. That is one of the things that hurt so much.
I was not allowed to take freely. I did not have an equal partner in resolving this issue. I tried to be the best person I could be and I think I did a good job but have found I took damage in the process because it mostly flowed one way. I look forward to the time when I can have a partner that will stand firm with me as an equal instead of melt away under pressure. Hopefully I don’t swing the other way and end up with someone I have to always argue with. That is something I won’t tolerate either.
Your approach is a rather cold blooded view to some of the same things I believe. It is probably where you need to be right now and how you need to be with those you are attracted to. For me, it is a little to harsh. I am not all that fond of “romantic” love but I am not attracted to those that need me to demand beer instead of water. I will ask or I will get my own. I have no interest in owning the world.
And when he comes running back to persuade you to un-quit, get photos of the resulting carnage, wouldja?
That would be nice, wouldn’t it? ^_^
But he won’t be trying to make me un-quit. Thinking he would is what kept me in this limbo this long, the more the fool I. The best I can hope for is that he will have learned something so he won’t hurt someone the same way again. He is so clueless. Trust him, he says. Ha! Only with the positive things, never with the negative.
I’m sorry for the pain of the last few months. It is good to take your emotions into your own hands firmly again–whatever he is, isn’t, does or doesn’t do, your need to take care of you comes first. I’m glad to see you doing just that.
It is just sad to have to let go of any hope of a positive outcome to do it. That is what has kept me in the limbo so long instead of quiting so long ago. I would have liked to be friends and keep the positive feelings I had for him.
I understand, truly I do. I’ve recently found, though, that letting go of the hope of a positive outcome freed me to complete my healing. And in the long run, it has offered hope of a new beginning. Not of the romantic relationship, but of the friendship. If I want it, after all this. But it was empowering to have taken the steps away.
In the end, at a deeply subconscious level I began sending myself the message that my self-worth mattered more to me than his, that my health was the most important thing, that I worth my own attention and love. I thought I believed it before, but it really made a huge difference then.
Anyway, enough about me. I’m glad you are taking these steps, even though they are painful.
YES! Letting go of that hope, understanding that there was nothing that I could do to make it work out – and that I no longer wanted it to work out – was what freed me to take my life and go play with it other places where I was welcome and not caged.
It is just sad to have to let go of any hope of a positive outcome to do it. That is what has kept me in the limbo so long instead of quiting so long ago. I would have liked to be friends and keep the positive feelings I had for him.
I hear that as well.
I have done what I can to open my hand and let drift away what ever remained of what was a part of the relationship that went so foul and sour. It is not easy.
Years on down the line perhaps, these folks and we folks can meet as neutrals again not tainted as we are now? Or is that still holding on to some of that hope that needs to be released?
I find that I believe that there can be no meeting as neutrals. But for me that is still holding on. Holding onto the hurt, the lost of what I wanted, the pain of losing my hopes and dreams. My admitting that there is a possibility that we can meet as neutrals in the future is more letting go than not. For you, if it is a hope, then it is not letting go. I think all hope, all hurt, all anger needs to be let go for there to be healing. A letting go of the future. However it turns out will be how it turns out.
I have given up on holding on. I am still working on letting go of everything I need to let go of. That is the process of healing.
I think you are in the right.
Balance is what I am trying for. I have to swing to the other side for a little while to balance out the last few months, then hopefully, I can work my way to center.
I do need to keep reminding myself that what I gave really was a gift and freely given. I did not do any of it to obligate the receiver into anything.
But there was also the lack of anything mutual and therefore any hope of sustaining any form of relationship failed. I will admit, this came about due to different methodologies of dealing with issues. I was willing to work outside my comfort zone and was not met with the same willingness. This is where I feel wronged. Hopefully, the lesson I will learn is to find someone worthy of my skills, who is willing to work on things when in crisis and will actually see where/who I am and not the lesson of “Stupid Gina, don’t be nice like that again.”
As a friend pointed out, I have standards and since they having gotten a bit more restrictive, it will take a lot of time to find anyone that will meet them. I had best get use to being happy alone.