This is a side I don’t normally put on LJ. I am not sure why I am now other than using it as an excuse to not face/do anything else. Maybe it is throwing this into your face of “See, this too is me.” There are those of you that have seen this side, and I am sure there are those of you that haven’t. Maybe it is because so many of my thought patterns have grown into how to construct something as an LJ post and if I have patterned it that way, I should post it. I don’t write for myself therefore it must be public/friends only instead of private. If I am writing a letter/email, it revolves around who I am writing too. This revolves only around me. Welcome to my brain.
I am sitting at work, not going home two and a half hours after everyone else left, facing an empty weekend. I really hate this. I feel like I am standing at the edge of the pit of Despair (the capital “P” Pit is reserved for the Pit of Pain which is many more levels down and “we don’t go there”).
I was suppose to be doing something that meant a lot to me this weekend. I kept it clear of any and all events. That means there was no backup. The following week is taken care of, I am coming to work. This is the time when I find work a blessing. I don’t really want to go to work but I want to stay home even less. I don’t think I could find something else to fill the time. Been there, tried that, not a good thing.
Now, I have a “free” weekend. I have such a hard time looking at it, so much so that I haven’t used my skills to give me things to occupy it. I fold into depression instead. I have things to do but I can’t place them into the structure because I can’t face how empty the structure is. Welcome to January. The air is cold, the light is harsh and everything is barren. Just like my weekend.
Earlier this week, when I was stronger, I set plans in motion to get together with corva and due to my lack of following up on anything, we are going to get together but don’t know when/where. It is ok, it will evolve. I just have a hard time with things that evolve, I prefer to set things in place ahead of time. It keeps me from drifting. I have a tendency to not get involved with evolving things. If it gets hard in the middle of trying to set it into place, I usually just give up. This one thing is a bright spot of my weekend, but it is hard to see because the emptiness threatens to overwhelm it.
I have another friend that I haven’t seen since Loscon that I have something for that I was going to see. Since I didn’t move fast enough, her weekend got booked and now it is put off til sometime later.
Other friends are hiking this weekend and that is it. So they could be free but I am not creating something with them. It is like I am taking a step back and letting the world go on without me. It is easier to be depressed than to be actively involved. I tried that and I had the weekend activity taken away from me. It almost hurts, if I allow myself to feel. I am taking my ball and going home. Waaaa
To look into what free time I have is to look into the empty void. It is more than I can handle so I will pull back, do nothing and just exist in a not happy way until something outside of myself happens. This is what Xmas was too except the world pulled back as well.
Any replies to this probably won’t get seen until the weekend is over. Next week looks interesting. black_reaver is starting on Monday.
In the past, I use to do a phone-bug. I would work my way through my phone list and just talk to friends. I would start with “this is a phone-bug, if you have time to talk, great, if not, I will call someone else.” I don’t know if I could face the number of people that wouldn’t be home or too busy to talk. I have more busy friends now than I did then. I don’t even know if I want to talk to anyone. It probably would be good for me, but in a state like this, I can be very resistant to what is good for me. There is something comforting about being depressed. It is a state I am VERY familiar with, and Shit is Warm.
I am sure that things will be fine. I probably will get a lot of mileage out of seeing corva and will make other things work as well. Ok, I am not sure. It is likely but I feel like it won’t happen. There is a difference. Last time I whined about not having anything to do on a weekend, I had a relatively full one. A friend at work laughs at me now when I say I have nothing to do. (she has a clue that this one is different)
Looks like I will be visiting another friend Sunday, so there is another stone creating another ripple in the stillness of the pit of despair. We will see if I can avoid letting frustration making me cancel. I am my own worst enemy.
Bwah! No fair writing this and not checking email ’til Monday.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!
Name the feast, we shall feed it to you, name the song, we shall sing it in your honor. You rock, you’re awesome, you’re a goddess. Let us spoil you SOON, dammit!!!!!!
This confused me until I realized it was mostly about black_reaver’s job. Thank you for the enthusiasm but I must insist that he did it himself. I was just the job board that let him know there was an opening. He was actually working under a handicap being a friend of mine. Those that did the deciding had to be sure to be the utmost of fair and not show favoritism. He was the best match out of 5 candidates and I had no influence to get him to that level.
Not that I don’t think I am awesome and a goddess and enjoy being spoiled. It is just that the job happening isn’t about me.
I don’t think you are your depression.
pit of depression, yah. gaping hole in schedule, yah. hoped connection fallen through again, yah. sucks. but did you do this to yourself? you’re reacting to a failed expectation, and in part a loss…it feels bad. multiple bad.
been there.
2 points. The man who actually made it to the south pole, amundsen, followed the weather–if the snow was bad, he knew when it cleared the fresh pack would be easier to travel on. Same thing works emotionally if you can avoid compounding the “bad”. Difficult, but you know, you will see corva this weekend and it will be cool. Emotional weather sez best to take it easy. Second point, you are not your emotions. Yah, you feel bad, it sucks…but it will pass, and if you can, use the down period for maintenance.
lotsa advice that you’re not going to see until Monday. Looks like the showers avoid us; hope you saw rainbows on saturday and labrynths on sunday.
Sometime I’ll have to show you 3 more of the mazes at sibley, if I can find them again…
Re: I don’t think you are your depression.
You have very good advice. But the problem I am facing is that I can’t take that advice. I did not cause the initial problem, it was out of my hands, but my reaction to it is causing more problems than necessary. I was handed lemons and instead of collecting a pitcher and sugar, I pushed them away and cried. That reaction is what I am talking about when I say I am my own worse enemy.
Instead of taking the free time to do something productive, I gazed at the inside of my eyelids and just add more pain to the emotional debt card increasing the principal balance. I got to the point I couldn’t see the rainbows because I couldn’t make myself look up even though it doesn’t hurt to look up.
I am moving now but that is more of a factor of other outside things hitting me and making me move. Things that should be way wonderful and are causing only moments of excitement that drain quickly. I am trying not to beat myself up about missing the joy in the situation and just accept that is where I am, which hopefully won’t make matters worse.
I would be very excited to find the other three mazes at sibley. Once I know where they are, I will put them on my map.
Re: I don’t think you are your depression.
So, amiga, stop focusing on the blame. It’s a hole your in, yes, and it doesn’t matter so much now why things are bad but more that they are bad. Take time to sleep, take time to walk, and remember that you can chose to close that emotional account (although the bill collectors are persistant.)
But that sounds like what you’re doing. When the weather improves a little bit, let’s go hunt spirals at Sibley.
Re: I don’t think you are your depression.
This is one of those places where that 50′ rope comes in handy.
*hugs*
Re: I don’t think you are your depression.
The other maze is at:
http://www.iloveinns.com/bed_and_breakfasts/california/unionhotelvictorianmansion.htm
The last line there caught my attention. I find it’s often true of me – I let my own head talk me out of things, tell me I’m not _________, etc. It also tells me that I’m not up to the task of beating it. Doesn’t mean I plan to give up, though
So good luck to you.
Also, I am SURE that “I am my own worst enemy” is a song lyric, I just can’t remember it, and it is driving me crazy.
I hope to be a bright spot tomorrow after doing some training at the Shelter which mapquest tells me is less than a mile from where you live. It is too late to be calling you but I will do that in the morning as I head to the East Bay (around 9:30) or so.
I am good at the evolve thing; I fly that way most of the time.
Um, nice Ginalady teach the crowmama to dance and she shows you ways to flitter?
*hug*
no words of wisdom – just hugs…
It’s a busy weekend here – Saturday is Kira’s first birthday… but I’m still going to try and find time to call ya.
Hope you’re too busy to get my call… but if not? I’ll talk to you before you read this!
Wish I had your number – I love the chats we have. Wish you had my number — I’m around this weekend, too, and you’re welcome to call any time. (Let’s remedy that lack-of-each-other’s numbers thing!)
You are one of the most beautiful people I know, inside and out. I have been there; actually, I am pleasantly surprised that I am not there at the moment. Could be some reading I’ve been doing, or some excercise, or just a change in attitude.
Lots of hugs and love,
Sara