I feel like I have reached a turning point. Passed a corner. Life isn’t all that different, but I feel different about it.

I have recently gotten some answers to a question that, while the answers don’t seem to be all that encompassing, they seem to have made me feel a little more settled. They didn’t tie anything together but by having them, things seem to be tied together better, if that makes any sense.

For a year, I have carved a hole in my weekly schedule and dedicated it to someone. I even resented the fact that it was a bad idea to let that hole expand to cover more of my schedule. Now that the hole is no longer required, I have had a hard time filling in that hole. Available events seem to flow around it, leaving me alone and empty and available week after week. Lately, the edges of that hole seems to be collapsing and filling it. Now it feels like just another time in my schedule that is there for me to use as I wish. It gets filled and is empty like the rest of my life, no longer special.

Over the last few months, I have been offered attention from different quarters. Each of these have fallen through and it hurt somewhat. The offer fed my ego when I needed it but the lack of follow through (even though for the most part, the reasons fell through had nothing to do with me) made me feel set-up/disappointed/rejected. I didn’t realize how much I was feeling the need to protect myself from rejection until recently. One of these opportunities finally came through and one of the effects of that has been to free me of some of the feelings of rejection. I knew it wasn’t about me but now it feels like it isn’t about me.

My attitude about work has gotten better. No longer am I pissed I didn’t get laid off in the two swipes that have gone by. The variety I get to do increased. I am now working with PowerPoint (and other Microsoft products), Dreamweaver, Xmetal, Homesite, Flash. I can make and have the opportunity to make Microsoft software dance and sing on my command. As someone recently put it, PowerPoint is my bitch. I am useful and entertained. I update library pages (this use to be all I did), I streamline the update procedure and pass it off to other people, I work on the internal websites and the external websites and I made the company Christmas card that was supposedly sent to all of our clients. I still am a slacker but I seem to be pulling my weight. I got a great end of year review, especially for how incredibly uninvested I was and the fact that I have shared this all year with a co-worker and she has been made my boss. She knows how much I have slacked and still managed to convince me that I was worthy and valuable to the team.

Some important relationships that have gotten rough have been mended and feel worth it. Other relationships have proven worth the investment. New relationships have been started. Not everything works out but there are the ones that do.

All of these things have come together to make me feel more settled. My appetite seems to have returned. Maybe I can stop dropping weight. While it looks good and I get to play with clothes I haven’t seen in years, the downward trend and my attitudes about it have been worrying. I also seem to be able to enjoy things again. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy things, but lately, the spectrum has become larger. Not every event that should be fun is fun. I have gotten pleasure out of some gatherings and also I have found that I can run myself to the ragged edge and have a blast. There is a price to pay that I am still working on but I can do it and survive.

Peace, contentment, balance with extremes, settled, involved, active, committed, pleased – all these words have a place with me right now. This may be only a temporary situation. It may all fall apart tomorrow. Yesterday, it felt stronger than today. But that is ok. It is here now and that is all that is important now.

The only moment that matters is Now. The other moments will take care of themselves.