Yesterday I made it to Dickens. By myself with no plans to meet anyone or be there for any one. I didn’t realize until I was there for a little bit that this was an event where I knew people and had no reason I had to be there. These are the sort of things I have been finding impossible to make. I will plan to go. I have every intention of going. Sometimes I will even get completely ready and still I don’t make it out the door. I just don’t go. No reason, no explanation. I just end up not going. Part of me that doesn’t talk to me or show up on the feeling side so I can tell what is up takes control and derails myself. Not really even a distraction where I forget the time and miss it. I just watch myself not leave. I am full aware of what I am doing, I just don’t seem to have the power to do anything about it. I had gotten to the point I accepted that was how I am right now.

The fact that I made it to Dickens is sort of a big deal (thanks to David for the free pass so the admission cost didn’t get in my way). I made it to Loscon but a lot of people depended on me so it was a requirement to go. I made it to the Pit O’Scorpions but since I am one of the guests of honor, it was sort of a requirement to go. I could have gotten out of it but it would have taken work. I didn’t make it to the former BGI dinner before the Pit. I wasn’t needed there but people would have been happy to see me.

I did make it to Fentons for Promise’s birthday party. I had planned my day so I would be near by. I was late which I think is part of this problem (not my normal lateness stuff). I did make it to FNW when I was working near by. I sort of beat on myself to go since I was under 2 miles away and I live 50 miles away. I was late to that because I didn’t want to go and I had to sort of shame myself into going. I plan to go next friday since I will be working at the same place. I wish I wasn’t aware of my issue so it could be like Dickens where I just go and figure it out later.

Competence needed directly upon waking up and maintained for 4 hours = complete meltdown for 2 hours and 24 of total rest/collapse. Other than 1.5 hours of tv and a dinner in there somewhere, I pretty much slept from noon yesterday to noon today. Planning for low operational levels through Friday. There is a steep price to pay for things now.

I had a good time at Loscon but the last two days really went downhill due to many unresolved issues, a button of mine being hit too many times, feeling the need to play guessing games to avoid drama, needing to sit on stuff of mine to keep drama as low as possible. Nobody did anything wrong, nobody did anything that was against me, I did notice a lack of anybody doing anything for me (there was some and it was good but usually too late to be much help). If I wasn’t feeling so far down and depleted then the neutral in relationship to me wouldn’t have looked and felt as much like anti-in relationship to me. I am pretty sure if anyone knew what was going on they would have tried to do something but I really had no way to let people know without blowing up and becoming a drama epicenter. I kept trying to take care of it myself and it kept not working.

I ran into the attitude of “just suck it up” so many times before I fell far enough that it could easily be applied to me. It hurt every time and it took me awhile to realize what was causing the pain and why. Any body coming at me with anything along the lines of “it doesn’t matter how you feel you just have to suck it up” had better be prepared to have their ass handed to them and maybe even be booted out of their place in my life for awhile. This is something that has taken on a lot of meaning before I have had a chance to expose it to the light. The reaction will far outweigh the trigger. Drama-free be damned.

While the Gina Maintenance Team may no longer be in operation, my therapist suggested setting up a buddy system for events with many people since when I am having trouble, I am not capable enough to resolve the trouble. It is an interim step towards being able to do this stuff for myself.

While yesterday was really bad and I was not ok and there are many things to deal with and resolve that I am still not looking at I do want to acknowledge that the first half of Loscon was so good that I wasn’t even craving sugar. I did eat chocolate cake one time but that was because I love chocolate cake and was willing to pay the price. I do also want to acknowledge that there were times when I got support when I needed it and that it helped a lot. I did feel like I needed to not ask for more because I needed to take care of myself so I probably dampened the good that support gave me.

The bad that happened to me was not anybody’s fault and I blame no one but me. It is my attitude that needed changing. But there was a lot of room for others to help me adjust my attitude and I did fail in trying to do it on my own. I don’t know how and am trying to learn how to let people know when help is needed/wanted/useful and how to put a stopper on the help that is turning out to not be useful so it doesn’t take me down farther.

There was a blowup Sat evening that was handled the way I consider good. It was completely cleared up and I have no left over problems from it at all. It was great to be able to talk about it afterwards and laugh. I would like to use it as a template for how to make other things work out.