I got to watch myself follow ruts in my road and have written up what I have seen. It moves from one thing to another and seems to cover things that don’t go together. This is not a well written out piece but the flow of my logic. Here is an overview of what it covers.

Summary:
Fear based motivations
It is hard for me to get into trouble
I am very gullible and innocent
Lack of confidence based on lack of situational knowledge
Rejection response – Wired backwards
Why I don’t play RPGs anymore
Losing myself in a character
I am a RPG Snob
Look at those patterns, yup they all fit a model, a strange one all my own.

Cut for length

This is my type of weather and I haven’t been able to get myself away from the couch and out the door for anything the last few days. I don’t know why. Sunday through 2am Thursday morning (with a 5 hour excursion for therapy and errands on Monday) has been at home, on the couch, watching TV, playing with the internet, or sleeping.

It isn’t that I don’t have energy but that I seem to be forcing myself to dive deeper into the couch. It doesn’t make sense to me. It is a new phase.

I finally got myself out the door and went for a little walk around the block in the rain. I am sorry to have missed the downpour and happy to have missed the wind. I have steel toe rubber boots and a rubber rain cape. I used to have an awesome black leather hat that had a really wide brim and was a perfect rain hat but I lost it years ago. Since getting dressed to go out is part of what keeps me from moving, I stuck my bare feet in the rubber boots and wrapped the rain cape around my nightshirt and robe. My head did get soaked (I was looking forward to that) but the rest of me is bone dry.

While wind does make me dig in deeper, I was digging into the couch even when it wasn’t windy.

I am glad that I managed to at least get out for a little tiny bit of this storm system. I regret not being in a position to enjoy it more. I have enjoyed listening to the rain fall pretty much the entire time. That is one thing for a flipped schedule, it mostly rains at night and I am awake for it.

It is hard to say I would rather stay awake when I’m asleep because my dreams are bursting at the seams. ~”Firefies” by Owl City

This line from the song really resonates with me every time I hear it.

This is a long detailed description of a dream I had before waking up today. No analysis, just a vivid dream that is typical of my types of dreams. It is just an example because a friend suggested that I write them out when I wake up. They are kind of cool but they are so long and so detailed that it takes forever to go through them. I told a boyfriend about my dream the first night we spent together. When we finally got up, he asked if he needed to set aside 15 hours for sleeping and telling him the dream because that is how much time we took. I find when I try to write them out that the process of coming up with the right words to describe something tends to overwrite the memory of the dream. It is easier to type it out but in typing, trying to have the correct spelling and correct grammar to make myself understood, it really overwrites the memories. It is a very clear difference between the two sides of the brain in action.

Cut because it is long and possibly boring to many

Ah fiddle…

I measured myself today and checked a chart for what size to wear. Bust measurement says 14, Waist says 18, Hips say 16. When I am so thin I am just a stick the answer to the size question is yes. These curves don’t match the curves in typical clothes. Oh well.

Bust: 42
Waist: 38
Hips: 46
Inseam: 35
Neck: 14
Calf: 15
Wrist: 6.5
Crown: 22
Height: 72

I sure do enjoy telling stories. And since I tend to not talk unless people want to hear what I have to say, this means I usually get positive feedback from any audience.

One of my ennegram sources made the point that for the types 5, 6, and 7, to have power they give it away. This makes a lot of sense to me.

This is my interpretation:
Picture a baseball diamond. At the pitcher’s mound stands a person and their power radiates from them equally in all directions. For their power to reach each base, it must overlap the lines between each base. If the baseball diamond is the limit of what they can actually do, then all the area outside the diamond but inside the circle is where they fail. And failure hurts.

To reduce the amount of failure to the least possible degree, the person can limit their power so that the circle extends to only touch the lines between the bases. This means the entire circle is within the diamond. But the space between the circle and the bases is wasted power. The person could have it but choose to limit themselves to avoid having places where their power wouldn’t work, thereby sacrificing power for a reduction in pain.

I think this relates to my concept of Deny before Denial. It hurts less to deny yourself something than to have it denied to you.

For those that are interested
8, 9, and 1s are Self deleting.
2, 3, and 4s are Self rejecting.
5, 6, and 7s are Self opposing.

I am working on reducing the extra stuff in my life. I find I can let things go easily if someone else wants it more than I do. Also when I give something away, it needs  to be appreciated which means just dumping it off at Goodwill doesn’t work so well for me. 

Currently, I am looking to see if anyone wants to provide a new home for a Wallace and Gromit plush dolls. They were given to me years ago and I have loved them and delighted in them. They have been living in a drawer for some time and I realized it is time for them to be appreciated again. I found a picture of similar ones on ebay and it can be found here. I think Wallace is 15" tall.

Eight minutes into the new year, someone pissed me off. My cell phone woke me to to tell me I had a text message from an unfamiliar number. I went to bed at 9pm exhausted from working with my mom and fought to go to sleep. I think I had dropped off by midnight. It is now over three hours later and I am wide awake.

The message came from someone I have not given my cell phone number to. I am very careful about this because my cell phone is for my convenience, not other people’s. I thought I had made an LJ post about it when I first got the phone but I can’t find anything so I guess not.

I do not do txt messages. I have to pay for each message I receive and I make a point of telling people I give my cell number to not to text me. If I could block txt from my phone I would. The cost thing is a reason others should not text me. The emotional reason that is all mine is that it pisses me off. I feel like my wishes are not being respected and whoever is texting me is pushing my buttons (it doesn’t matter if it is rational or not, this is the result). I realize that it has started to become the norm to text people (it wasn’t in 2005 when I got the phone and the plan) and people need the info about not texting me before I can get justifiably mad so I make a huge point to let people know now. My next phone might include txting and I might go nuts with it. But that is not the case now.

My primary phone is my land line. That is where messages should be left for me and where it is most likely to actually contact me. The refrigerator is standing by (for those that have heard my outgoing phone message).

There are times it is appropriate to contact me via cell, like when we are playing tag trying to meet up or I have stated that I am about and about and want to talk. Certain people are ok to have my cell phone because they understand the appropriate times to call me on that phone. My mom got it for the first time this week because I didn’t want her to be able to get ahold of me at any time. Now that she is visiting, she needs to be able to connect with me.

I realize that the text I received was a wish for a Happy New Year and was meant as a positive thing but it was inappropriate and turned into a negative thing. I want to know who called me and I want them to delete my number from their phone so as to avoid this problem in the future. I am 95% positive it was a broadcast text to their entire friends list. I want to know who gave this person my cell phone number so I can ask them not to share this information in the future.

For the most part, I trust my friends’ discretion in handing out my home number (yes, I know, I am wired backwards from most people) but my cell number is only for me to hand out. I dragged my feet getting a cell phone. I eventually did it because of the need to be easy to contact in a timely manner by the temp agencies. I find I like having it on hand to call people to talk to when I am in transit from point A to point B. I talk to my dad a lot more because of this feature. I do not have a cell phone so that I can be at the disposal of whomever wants to get ahold of me whenever they want. That is what my landline is for.

I am going to try to pretend that this issue is just a last left over from 2009 so it can join all the other reasons that year has been fired. Maybe it was a parting shot and the year went out the door.

Edit: I own up to the fact that considering how my memory leaks like a sieve, I could very well have actually given out my cell to whomever it was that sent me the text and I ended up setting up the situation that pissed me off. They still should not be texting me but I may not have imparted that information onto them. I would want to know that as well.

It is good that my mom and I are getting along. But I find I am exhausted and worn out. Part of it is that I just don’t get the juice of energy I get from hanging out with friends. Part of it is that it is hard work between us. We both want to do things right and to fully understand the other and clearly explain our positions. And that takes a lot of work. It has been easy with others but I wonder how much of that is them just letting things slide when I keep poking at things. My mom and I both poke.

I think I am getting an understanding of just how hard it is to be around me sometimes.

I want things to be clear and want it enough to work hard at it. For awhile I only wanted to deal with people who were willing to do the same work. Lately I have different levels to choose from. I still want it all but can be told where to set the dial so that people don’t get overloaded. I figure in the future as I learn more and have more practice, I will be able to read the situation and people well enough to be able to set the dial on my own. Or I won’t care as much all the time to have the clarity of understanding and connection that I want now.

Having my mom tell me the things I do and that I insist on that makes it hard to have friends and then give me advice on how to change is not something I need or want from her. Especially since she doesn’t have that many friends. Also something I have a fear of is becoming like her and naturally following a similar path as she the one has carved out for herself. I am different from her but there are a lot of similarities that could lead to the same places and I very much do not want to live like she does. It gives her what she considers important but she has not been able to do or keep the things I consider important. There is the underlying fear that I won’t have the ability to keep those things either (like gainful employment, stability, a group of friends, my health, the ability/skill to take care of myself and accomplish what I want in America).

I managed to recognize what was going on and stop her before she got very far down the list of advice. What is funny is that what I catch her doing seems to have nothing to do with what her intention is. If I stop her and ask her why she is doing something, I get an answer that doesn’t seem to be related to what I just stopped her from doing/saying. She has a very different brain process than I do for all our similarities. This might be why it is so tiring to be with her. And I am sure some of it is having my defenses on alert all day long for two and a half days.

Around 3pm this afternoon, I felt better. I could breath, I had a full voice, no coughing. For all of 5 minutes. Then everything came back. I slept some more and then ate and seem do be better. Yay!

I am missing the Solstice I wanted to go to. If I felt this way even 12 hours earlier, I would know I could go. I am still unsure of it now. A shower and some trips to the dumpster with this weeks piles O’ trash should tell me just how well.

Sinuses clear, I can breathe deeply although there is some crud still in there. It doesn’t automatically get caught when I breathe. I have this idea I have my voice back completely but that is probably from “talking” online with radar. If I have been able to communicate, sometimes I forget what form it was in. It all falls under talking to me.

While I am not all better, I feel like I am actually getting better. It was feeling like there was no progress before and I was stuck there endlessly.