(this is mostly about work)
It is hard enough to admit to yourself that you need help.
It is hard enough to be willing to ask others for help.
But when you do ask others and you get "I’m busy," "I’m not going that way," or they just aren’t there, I revert back to "Screw you all, I will take care of myself and deal with the consequences. If that means I am cranky for the rest of the day then so be it. If that means I can only work every other day, then so be it. If that means it takes 3 months for my foot to heal instead of 1, then so be it. If it means I only bath every couple of weeks, so be it.
I can ask about three times before I blow a gasket. That happened today.
I don’t think it is a fault of mine but I can’t ask for help if the one I am asking whines about it, is reluctant, doesn’t wanna but will *sigh*.
Right after I let people know I broke my foot, I got lots of "let me know if you need anything," "be sure to ask for help," etc. Now that it is over a week into it, I am being treated like I am just fine.
The boss is very supportive but she isn’t here often and is usually swamped. Another Principle is very enthusiastic and a delight but I couldn’t get ahold of her. Others, not so much. I got put off unto 2pm day before yesterday to be told, nope sorry can’t do it, I have too much to do. Today everyone that I am sort of friends with are going to Burrito Friday and "that is in the opposite direction" so it ended up boiling down to "if I have to *sigh*". Wed my coworker walked out at 12:30pm. Just said he was going home, no word as to why. This left me alone in the office and I don’t leave my chair all day if I can avoid it. Turns out that he didn’t have anything to do and decided that the company wouldn’t want to pay him to sit around and do nothing so he just left. Didn’t ask, didn’t discuss, didn’t ask if there was something that needed to be done. I was fully loaded on work and while there was nothing else on tap, something could have come in and I would be up shit creek without a paddle.
I have a brain, I can drive, I just can’t walk much. I am used to wandering the office touching base with people. I would do that for lunch today if it wasn’t hobble, gimp, slide, uff.
At home it is much better. Right after the break friends helped me out a lot. I couldn’t have made it work without their help. For the wedding I went to, I had a nursemaid until I finally got the hint that I needed to figure out how to let her go. Right now I have a friend that is staying with me for a couple of days and helping me with shopping, vacuuming, cooking and even showering. These ar services offered, not really asked for.
So the question is how to ask for help when it feels like the offer is either not really serious (all though I am sure the person meant it as serious when they offered it, but it wore off) or is only good for when the incident is fresh in people’s minds. The more I look like I am getting better, the less people are willing to put themselves out for me even though I could still use help.
This has been an adventure and there have been bright spots in the road but right now it REALLY SUCKS!
(note: just talked with boss and I will have a pitcher of water on my desk for the days I come into work and someone is compiling a list of places that have free delivery. This helps a lot but I don’t know how I can not continue to be mad at people because of this. I know that my higher self would be able to rise above this and let it go but right now It Is All About Me and I just don’t have the ability to do what I know would be best for me. I am in survival mode. The kicker is that I don’t feel like I should be. My foot mostly feels fine but in my head I know that a lot of resources are devoted to healing the foot and I can’t tell there are on tap anymore. My friend had to keep reminding me of this last night. Bless him.)
Damn – that lack of support can sure burn a person out.
It seems you have a few folks that are at least aware of what it going on and willing to help – at least in theory. It is okay to feel angry as long as it doesn’t get vented. Being in survival mode kicks in for a reason, you need to take care of yourself and this is one proven strategy. Trying to continue to ask for the help you need might remind folks that you mean it. Though after being shot down about it, it becomes harder and harder to do.
You’ll be better soon (I know, not soon enough), hang in there as best you can.
Thought you might get a kick out of a note that went out in our daily newsletter email. Not that anything has come of it. I did bring a backback of food for myself. Now I just have to get myself to be willing to make edible version of food.
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While Gina is recovering, she’s going to try working from home on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Please sign up for your pubs work in advance to help Dave and the pubs department keep up their high quality of service.
As a special kindness…if you’re going out at lunch and can bring Gina back a sandwich please let hop-along know….
-Bonnie
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See, that’s why I don’t believe people when they say that I can call them anytime, or stuff like that. Sure, you say that, but is it really true? Probably not. It’s been very hard for me to understand that at least with some people, they really do mean it when they say “call any time if you are having problems”. I always feel like I am imposing and I’d rather someone not just put up with me if they would rather not.
So ah yeah I understand what you are talking about!
The problem with this is that the real answer is inevitably in between, and short of giving a rather long an involved list of conditions, I suspect most folks hope their friends have a sense of what is reasonable for the relationships they’re in.
Only it seems I know a lot of people who really have no idea where to draw the lines, and either lean way too hard for way too long, or never ask for help at all.
It’s almost as frustrating trying to offer help in this context as it is to ask.
But having friends like has at least taught me to try and be very careful how and when I offer help, because yes, my friends deserve a real answer, not an empty platitude, and they also deserve help, but I also deserve boundaries.
It’s a careful balance this interdependence thing.
–Ember–
That balance is something I feel we don’t have worked out in society. Being able to offer something with stated limits. Polite society depends on people knowing “the rules” of what is too much to ask for or reading people’s minds.
I am working hard to try to figure out a system of trust and offers that include limits and that it isn’t bad to include limits. I have a long way to go.
(‘nother one got eaten by Gmail)
Yeah. I’m having similar trouble from I think the opposite end. I don’t so much have trouble figuring out what it’s okay to ASK for, but I’m having trouble figuring out how to politely set limits on what I can offer, and also having trouble figuring out what my limits even ARE on what I have to offer.
I’m afraid I kind of suck at it right now, because things are changing for me again. *whimper*
It’s not that I have no spare time. It’s that I don’t know how much spare time I have.
–Ember–
Would you like to borrow my shower stool? I know you have a plaster cast that can’t come off or get wet, but it makes a -huge- difference not to have to balance precariously. Unfortunately, I have no way to get it to you, but if anyone is crossing the bridge and can get it to you, it is yours
)
Alternatively, they’re only about $40 and bb&b will deliver. SOOOOO worth it
)
Gave the stool a try last night and it is so nice to be CLEAN again. Thanks muchly. It was much easier than going shopping on my own. And more enjoyable because I got to hang out too.
yay! I’m glad you’re happy and I really enjoyed catching up with you
)
I understand your frustration. I wish I could offer help, but I’m not in a realistic place to do so right now.
I sincerely hope you get more of what you need. Getting around with broken footness was not fun.
–Ember–
I could use a tarot card reading sometime.
The last one really cleared my perspective on an issue I had been stuck on. I have another issue where the meaning is hiding again.
Okay this completely annoys me – Gmail ate your LJ response to this comment, so I’ve only just seen it now.
Do you still want to try and schedule a reading, or do you need to focus on other things now?
This weekend isn’t so good, but I could probably manage one next weekend.
–Ember–
Honestly
If you need something, call me. I’m only a few miles away. I gladly punted billable work to take you to the ER. I’m serious about this. If I’m not at Faire, I’ll do my best to help you out with whatever.
Re: Honestly
You are super wonderful about this and I know it. I have fun telling people about when I broke it and how when I called you all you said was “I will be there in 15 minutes depending on traffic.” No questions, no reasurances, just action. It was cool.
And if I haven’t said it enough, I really really really appreciate it.