I usually don’t pay any attention to my ankles. I think that my legs are one of my best features but my ankles and feet are just normal. Until my ankle goes away. One time my ankles swelled to a point where it looked like my legs ran directly into my foot. It felt like it destroyed my best feature. How can my legs look good if they don’t end right? Since then, I have appreciated my ankles and their normalness.

Friday morning was another test of this. As I was leaving home, due to some distraction, I miscounted stairs in front of my place and fell. My ankle hurt like hell. I lay on the ground for awhile while I waited for the “oh my god…oh my god…oh my god…” to pass before deciding what I had done to myself. After the pain reduced to manageable levels, I went back inside to call work to tell them I would be late. I knew that much. I hadn’t decided if I just hurt my ankle and needed an ace bandage and head into work or if I needed to see a doctor. I made sure I could put my weight on it and move my foot around. Everything worked fine, it just hurt.

Typically if I damage myself, I don’t make a big deal out of it. I calmly tell someone I need to go to the hospital and if I have the energy, I am generally cracking jokes and playing around. I like making the emergency room staff smile. They treat me nicer. If I have hurt myself but haven’t done any serious damage, I tend to make a big display of it. It feels like the world is ending and I don’t know how to handle the pain. I end up looking like a drama queen but that is how it feels at the time. It is another one of those things where I am wired backwards.

Well, I couldn’t decide if I was playing this one up or playing it down. It seemed like I was in a middle ground. Once I got inside, I noticed that my jeans looked thick around my sore ankle. There must be swelling which would make sense. I got some ice out of the freezer and sat down. When I pulled the jeans up and looked at the hurt area for the first time, I freaked. I had a normal foot and the beginning of a normal ankle. Then there was this baseball that replaced the rest of my ankle. I knew that nothing had changed but I would need to see a doctor when I calmed down. The distorted ankle pushed my panic buttons and I proceeded to hyperventilate, sweat, feel faint, etc… the full freak out. I took some meds to take care of that reaction and called Kaiser.

I was directed to the emergency room because they have all the equipment that was needed to check me out. Ren_wench was a doll and picked me up. I didn’t have long to wait and there are a number of stories about the process including bouncing to the Xray rooms twice. It turns out I really did break myself. One of my leg bones has a tip broken off and I have a hairline fracture in the long bone on the outside of my left foot. I am currently in two splints with 4 ace bandages holding it all together. It doesn’t hurt but damn, the crutches and the muscle aches from trying to move around hurt a lot. I think that is what the drugs they gave me are for.

I get an honest to goodness plaster cast on Monday. I am going to see what I have to do to get a handicap placard while I am missing a foot and maybe a wheelchair. Capricious_k and fresne and I went to Michaels to see if we could get some stuff to make the crutches look cool (I don’t want normal typical crutches, yawn) and I was dead after a few aisles. I just don’t have the stamina for much distance on the crutches and standing in one place really hurts my right leg and hip. With the wheelchair, at least I could stop and rest if I run out of steam. I will be able to work since I have a computer job and sit for the day.

I have a hard time believing this is real. My foot likes sitting on the ground and just feels like it is swaddled. I feel like I could get up and walk into the kitchen. But I can’t. I have to consciously remember that I don’t have a usable left foot and that I have to pay attention to every step and movement with the crutches. If I want anything, I have to start for it ahead of when I need it. Very annoying. Especially since I live alone. I also can’t carry anything that I can’t hang from my fingers. I wanted a cup of tea outside in the courtyard with my book and that just wasn’t going to happen.

I must say I am very proud of how I feel when I hurt my foot. I landed upright and didn’t hurt anything else. No scratches, skid marks, or bruises. I do find myself falling over with the crutches a lot and that I don’t do so well because I don’t know what it is I am doing. It usually happens when I start moving at speed and am not paying 100% attention to my movement. Very frustrating.

Many blessings go to Ren_wench for the transportation and company to the emergency room and checking in on me later. Many blessings and more to Capricious_k and Fresne for coming over and putting my apartment to rights since it was fine when I could walk but a death trap for crutches. I hurt myself a couple of times doing strange contortions to avoid killing myself when I fell with the crutches on Friday. And blessings to Evil Mo for being my transportation on Monday to get my first real cast.

In some ways I am feeling better than I have in a long time. I feel more involved and connected. On the flip side, I have had low energy levels and reserves for a long time and I was delusional to think that having a broken foot would be no big deal. I actually was planning on attending the PEERS event on Sat since we had costumes all ready for it. At least currently it feels like an adventure instead of just one more thing weighing me down. I hope that feeling lasts.