It seems that my craving, my NEED for for Sugar, is going away. I haven’t had anything sugar based since Sat (cheesecake, chocolate cake with cream cheese filling). I have looked at items I have or can pick up easily (cookies, brownies, eggnog, peanut butter cups, etc.) and haven’t really wanted them. They would be nice but I would rather not eat them just because I don’t want to, not because they would hurt. I don’t feel the need for the numbness they can produce. I doubt I am completely done with them yet, but they have cut way back.

This has happened in the past. It is one of the reasons I don’t worry if the sugar is just taking the place of alcohol on my way to a sugar version of an alcoholic. But I did wonder when the reduction would start happening. I have been on it for a long time this round and a lot of it. I have been eating some sort of sugar every day for the last couple of months at least. My weight shows it. I am now just below 200 lbs when my highest before was 185.

Other things that seem to be going on: My intestines have been putting the hate on me since Sunday night. I have had a headache of some form for a week now with it being a migraine on Sunday night. Sunday was also the resumption of taking birth control pills. I spent the day on Sat out and about with friends and Sunday down at the Baycon meeting. I have been eating good food.

Another interesting note: Last Monday (just over a week ago) I started feeling better mentally. Instead of feeling like I was sprawled flat, I felt like I could sit up once in awhile before sprawling flat again. It isn’t standing, walking, running, skipping and hoping and it isn’t dancing so there is still a long way to go. But it is better than being sprawled flat all the time and I can actually do something productive. Also, it is a sign of the hope of being able to stand/walk/run/skip/hop/dance in the future. This is a good sign and one that can be met with reserved smiles. There is still so much weighting me down and when I try look closely at the good, I tend to tear it apart. So I acknowledge this improvement out of the corner of my eye and smile.

A week ago last Sunday is when I stopped the birth control pills for the week off. I take them because I was hitting a deep suicidal depression on a monthly basis. The pills run for 9 weeks and then one week off. This would at least reduce the depression to 4 in a year instead of 12. This last cycle I had some low points during the 9 weeks but nothing near the worst so far and nothing during the week off which is different.

If any of these things relate to each other or are based on different things, I don’t know. I am guessing that the reduction of the sugar craving is related to me feeling a little better. I am also thinking some of the headaches could be from sugar withdrawal. I have never gone from consuming as much as I have to cold turkey before. I also don’t thing I have done anything to correct the “problem” that was keeping me sprawled flat. It is just time for that to lift. Or that I have been working on it hard and it didn’t seem to have any affect until it was time and I am at a better baseline than I would have been if I just coasted through this round of depression. I don’t even know if it is going to last or if I get to go down again. But sooner or later I should be on an upward slant. And I keep working on what I can while I can.

I suspect I am in a major transition and when I get through it (if one can ever be said to get through growth) things will be much better than they normally have been. I keep telling myself this.