I was reading a link from cmdrsuzdal about Whedon fans taking pizzas to the Writers’ Strike picket line and I find I have tears in my eyes. I was just thinking last night that I haven’t cried in awhile and I am due but I can’t find anything to cry about. Yeah, life sucks right now and I am focusing on surviving each day one day at at time but I can’t seem to cry about it.
This action touched me and sadly it is not a time to follow it up.
Being by myself really sucks. I didn’t leave the house on sat and the big event for sunday was taking a shower (ok, I did some bleaching of my hair too and shaved my legs). The only real food I ate on sun was breakfast at Hometown buffet, the only time I got out of the house and I came right home.
But it is safe. I hurt but I can’t get any more hurt.
Then I talked with a friend late Sunday night and told him what has been going on and he was present and there for me. And he distracted me from my inner turmoil. I found another con buddy is working in my office this week by complete surprise yesterday. Another friend I have had to kind of write off and become less invested in IMed me towards the end of the the day to tell me he was thinking of me so I chatted with him a little bit before I left.
Last night, I went over to C&Ks place because I could use help getting the bleach job smoothed out. I almost didn’t make it. I was very drained of energy during the entire day and when I stopped to pick up more bleach, I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t need to just go home and curl into a ball. The girls at the shop were so bored that they were very eager to talk to me and it was a delightful chat. I came out with more energy than I went in and decided to attempt the drive to C&Ks. Capricious_k took good care of me and painted my hair. It was good to be around people. It distracts me from my own inner turmoil and gives me something else to do.
The fact that I had so much contact with people yesterday is probably the reason I feel like I can cry today. I am not quite as strongly defended as I was over the weekend. This is good for me.
But when I am alone and feeling the need to hide, I can’t reach out. It doesn’t feel safe. Curling into myself is the only safe place to be and I need desperately to be safe.
My contacts yesterday were good ones. When things go not so good to badly, they cost me a lot in resources and I end up in worse shape. And I can’t control if the contact will be good or bad. So it is safer to have no contact. And I feel the need to be safe. But it doesn’t help it get any better.
Welcome to part of the spiral I am living with.
I used to have my life full so I never hit low enough not to be able to pull myself out again. Now my life is not filled and I have a lot of time to sit and stew and I don’t have the energy or resources to “make” things happen anymore. So I lose contact and life sucks. I really don’t want to bother living it. I only do because I don’t want to hurt those that care about me.
I really don’t want to bother living it. I only do because I don’t want to hurt those that care about me
*hugs* I know that feeling so well.
I can bring your book with me on Thursday when I go to House K~, if you would like to come by and pick it up?
*hugs*
Sparrow
I just want to make sure you are still reading the book and getting something out of it. If it is only collecting dust, it might as well do that on my shelf.
So, if I can keep asking you about it and that causes you to pick it up and get something more out of it, that works for me.
It does need to come back eventually. And if I come up with an actual need for it, I will let you know and get it back from you.
You may want to pick up a copy of your own, or have someone gift you a copy.
When I couldn’t think of anything to post to the “post something to cheer me up” thread on someone else’s LJ a few days ago, I at least comforted myself with “If I gave up living, at least a couple people would be depressed about it.”
What you’re going through is not uncommon. Keep fighting.
the big event for sunday was taking a shower
Alas – I had hoped to see you Sunday at the BayCon meeting. I should have called you when I didn’t find you there, but I was so flat as a pancake myself that I spent the rest of the day trying to build myself back up again (and thankfully succeeding).
We need to get together for your next discussion/session. Please email me to talk about it.
–Ember–
Ha! It is my goal not to make it to a BayCon meeting every. I will fail I am certain but if I am not required to be there, I don’t intend to be there. It is real sad when I don’t have a reason for skipping it and it is only the distance and my determination that keeps me from going.
I stand by my idea that the meetings are such a waste. So much of what happens there could be done off line. It I show up and get things done there, then it just keeps the current system running.
I do understand that my actions are a drop in the bucket of the vastness that is the BayCon morass and this is probably the last year I am going to fight upstream. But this was the choice I made at the beginning of this year and I haven’t had a reason to change it yet.
I was thinking of contacting you to see if you were near Berkeley and could play courier for me to hand off something that needs to get to another bayconer. But I realized Sunday that I just hadn’t gotten around to it so I decided it didn’t matter so much. Maybe next time.
Heh, I dissagree that the meetings are a waste, because if nothing else they cause everyone to be thinking about their BayCon work simultaneously, which means anything that requires interaction with a series of people can happen much faster during meetings, and the announcements of what departments that aren’t our own are helpful for everyone to be on the same page when the time comes.
When I was front-end for Web, I got so much more done at meetings, because I could go to each department and demand content up-front, which was way more efficient for me than trying to keep track of people I couldn’t see in email.
Whether it’s more efficient or not depends tremendously on the personalities involved, and I suspect there are far more people on staff who handle what’s in front of them than there are people who find it more efficient to get things done offline.
–Ember–
Meetings
It’s so hard to get concom meetings right. I’ve been wrestling with it all along.
We had, I think, too many meetings for last year. This year we’re either having exactly the right number, or one too few. I can’t tell yet.
The important things about concom meetings: first, the period after the meeting, when different department heads meet up with each other to deal with things they need to connect for. That’s possible the most important part of the afternoon, which is why I put it first. And secondly, for everyone to have a feel for what’s going on with the convention as a whole.
It goes along with transparency, I think.
That being said, we have a very young convention — we’re coming up on year 4. With something like Loscon or Baycon, so many of the workers are likely to be old hands who know the ropes and know how the convention works. For them, fewer meetings = less time wasted on going over stuff that’s already part of the group mind.
Hope to see you at Loscon. Want a peanut butter sandwich?
what can I do to help?
I miss you and I love you.
I’m sorry you are having such a horrid existence right now – let me know if there’s anything I can do.
(((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))
p.s. you can’t quit yet – you’re coming out to stay with me for WorldCon next year!!
((HUG))
Now that people do care and think about you.
This is going to seem odd (and sort of is, out of context), but India sends Pom-kisses your way
I love India’s Pom-kisses. They make me smile when I think of them.
Thanks.
I feel like I can relate to a lot of what you’ve said here. I have been isolating, too, and I don’t have a consistently crazy schedule anymore so I have a fair amout of time to sit and… ruminate, I guess. For me, I’ve found it helpful to force myself to get out of the house and interact with others. It’s hard for me to get up the motivation to do that, but once I do, I find that it distracts me from being alone with my thoughts and I feel a bit better. I hope you can find something that works for you to cheer you up a bit.