I seem to have developed my own special version of passive/aggressive behavior. Mostly it is passive with inferred aggressive. Since this drives me nuts in others, it is driving me absolutely batty.
When I am On, I am really good and really with it and totally together. When I am Off, I don’t contact people, I don’t let anyone know what the status is, I don’t work on things, I basically drop the ball and keep quiet about it. And I can’t predict which way I will flip at any given time. I feel like I can do it all but then watch myself not do things that should be easy for me to follow through on.
I am not doing it on purpose. I am very aware of the consequences of these actions and at this time they just don’t matter. I have developed a version of the SEP field (Somebody Else’s Problem Field – HHGTTG) even when the problem is mine. I just don’t care and I can’t make me care. Or I should say I care but I can’t use that to change my behavior.
Since part of the behavior is not to care, then you would think I wouldn’t be worried about it. I am not. I don’t care. I am fine with it. But it affects my job and my ability to do it and that worries me. So I have this weird overlord that is creating a false panic because my normal panic button is broken. I am getting help for this but I don’t know when it will be cleared up. I think I have a handle on why it showed up and I won’t go into it here.
The new behavior showed up about a week before Silicon and has gotten stronger. I noticed it on the way to the con and that is where my last post about unraveling came from. It could go away at any time are stick around like a lingering cold. Since the last post about this, I have figured out that this is not a growth step but a coming apart from the growth step. The last time I did laundry was July 24th. I bough more clothes. I don’t have any clean silverware or dishes and can’t be bothered to buy paper and plastic yet. I sleep on a sheet thrown on a new mattress (a friend convinced me to buy it and another helped me do so and get it into my place) next to a pile of dirty sheets. The bed has books and my morning drink containers on it in places. Surrounding myself with books to read makes me feel better so I have spent more money on new books than I ever have at one time in the past.
The reason I am posting this is to let people that have gotten used to where they could count on me and where they couldn’t would be warned that all bets are off. I can’t even tell when I can be counted on and when I am a complete flake. Even in the middle of flaking, sometimes I think I will be able to pull it out at the last moment and then I don’t. It is a moment by moment thing. Pretty much the problem area is planning for the future. If I show up, then I am there and it is all good. I just can’t promise I will be able to show up.
Sadly, by telling this to people, there is a good chance my contact with them will decline. It is hard to work with someone that can’t be trusted to follow through on any promise. And since I am not doing so good on the contact others activity, that reduces contacts even more. This is not a good thing. It might be what my subconscious is creating because it is “safer” but that doesn’t mean it is healthy and help me get better.
Welcome to my head.
am getting help for this but I don’t know when it will be cleared up. I think I have a handle on why it showed up and I won’t go into it here.
That’s a happy thing.
(((((((((((hug)))))))))))))
I sympathize with this post more than you know.
I really need to figure out how to get over my aversion to the phone and call you soon.
Love you.
Sending you tons of ‘hope it gets easier soon’ vibes.
I know this one. I do this, too. I just haven’t talked much about it.
I also know the ability to separate the thinking brain from the emotional brain. It’s the only thing that keeps me in contact, when it all goes to hell. You keep hanging in there. Try to write these thoughts of yours down, and try to take them with you to the therapist. It will help him/her to understand where you are.
I would come out to see you, on Friday, if I could. I broke my toe though, and I am having trouble being mobile, because I still have to work. Eight hour days eat my spoons real fast right now.
*hugs*
Sparrow
Oh the therapist know these thoughts. It usually goes through them before it gets to LJ because they help me figure out how to communicate them. One of them was the one that pointed out it was a passive/agressive behavior and it just clicked.
They know very clearly where I am. We don’t know how to fix me quite yet. I am good at uncovering this stuff so when there is a real problem it is because it isn’t easy to uncover. I have all the easy stuff done before I arrive.
*nods* yeah, I do a lot of that too. Both of mine worry occasionally that I am too good at separating the thinking from the emotional brains. But it’s how I work, so we go with it.
*hugs*
Sparrow
I routinely have a less severe version of this on a more-or-less ongoing basis. The only way I’ve been able to consistently get over it is to force myself to begin a creative project. This usually results in my following it through, and snaps me out of it.
It’s rare that such a specific treatment helps more than one in 20 or so people, but it might spark something that works for you. Or maybe not. In the meantime, a bit of Primal Good Stuff going out to you.
If I was closer, I’d feel like I could *do* more, and not merely focus on trying to keep up with your posts and make my counseling sessions here.
I’ve been bad enough that I’ve not made any new costumes this year, other than the piece for Masquerade that was a struggle to finish.
*hugs* Hope to see you at LosCon.
No new costumes!? That is bad. You are generally much worse than I am about that. I will make one or two new ones a year and recycle many others. This year I am not even wanting to wear any. I wore one for a party in the summer, I have a request for one for Costume Con and work is doing something so I MUST wear something, how could I be me if I don’t.
As for being here, you probably couldn’t do more. I have good people around me and they haven’t been able to help. The result is that I have been closing down more and more to a point where I don’t know what help could actually be given to me. Having responses to my posts is good.
Ok here is a question..when is the last time you took a vacation? Not going to a con or party or taking a few days to visit friends or family..I mean going away somewhere where there are no other people you know. Like going to New York and hanging out in Manhattan, or Hawaii or somewhere else you’d like to go and see and not have to visit anyone. Just going for youself….it has an amazing restorative power.
This last May was the first time in years I went on trip that had nothing to with family or some event. Ryan and I went to Hawaii for our honeymoon, no responsibilities we just snorkled, lounged and ate marvelous food for over a week.
Maybe my dear you just need to get away and recharge your brain cells…swiming with sea turtles is a good way to do that!
Last vacation? Right before taking this job, so that would put it just after 4th of July. I went to Oregon and hung out at my Dad’s place. It was really good and I needed it. Got to just hang and someone else made me food (his wife likes to take care of people). I even had my laundry done while my dad and I played with making websites. It was even better than visiting Don and Cheryl for a week and making something.
Travel is not easy for me anymore and I don’t have anyone to travel with so it can be very boring as well as painful. Sitting at home adds to the depression to taking time off isn’t good. I like my job and it gives me structure and that helps a lot. And for some odd reason, my work for Baycon and Silicon make me feel really good. I could do without the drama that arises from the way the organization runs and that will probably drive me away and has added to the current problems.
But the source is much much deeper and from much longer ago. I know where it is coming from, I am just not sure how to address it and fix it. Because of my choices, I pretty much created the situation and I am working on getting out of it. In the long run, this is a healthy process. It just sucks to be in the middle of it.
Thanks for the suggestion. I think having Ryan with you might have had a lot to do with how restorative it was. Having support adds to the resource pile and not having responsibilities doesn’t take anything away so you end up with a plus amount. I did something that sucked a lot away and only had some support so I ended up with a minus. My problems do not need an SO to solve them but if I had one, it could make the going easier.
Well having a companion can make it more fun but when I spent three days alone in New York after I broke up with Whitney I had a blast so it can help it just depends on what you do and where you go!
Come to our halloween party Saturday if you want my dear check your e-mail the evite should be there if not email me for the info.
Cybele