I was looking through some old photos (the paper variety instead of the digital kind) searching for pics from an event from years ago. I remembered pretty much every one of the pictures once my memory had been refreshed. There were so many people that I cared about and so many events that I enjoyed so much. I have a lot of good memories tied to those pictures.
In the past, I will remember how fun something was and I want to recapture that fun. I would like to relive it but I know that isn’t possible. I will attempt to either do another event like it or set something else up that would be fun. This time I didn’t. I could remember how I enjoyed it at the time but I didn’t want to go back. I felt done with whatever was in the picture. I would see things like the Shakespeare in the Park that I did year after year and I have no desire to go again even though I really enjoyed them. I don’t want to deal with the crowds, I don’t want to organize it, I don’t think I would have fun. It would be something to do and something to put up with. Hot and noisy and unsatisfying.
I find a lot of my old activities are feeling unsatisfying.
I have been doing a lot of personal work on my inner landscape. It is surprising sometimes to remember a statement I made about something and realize I am completely different now. So much so, I can’t understand how it was back then if it wasn’t for the memory of at some point I detailed it all out. I just don’t have it inside of me anymore. I suppose it might be a good exercise to go through to list out some of those changes.
One is that I don’t live with the constant vibration of anxiety behind my breastbone anymore. I no longer panic when I don’t have things scheduled when I have a lot of free time on my hands. What I was afraid of has come to pass but it doesn’t bother me that much. I am willing to face pain and sit with it. I am willing to be hurt by my friends and be the one to approach them to fix the problem instead of run so very far away and just close down. I am willing to be still (sometimes, this one is still hard).
So here I am with a different inner landscape, that is still changing, and my old ideas of worthwhile activities no longer fit. Not all of my old activities don’t fit but a chunk of them are too short in the arm or too tight somewhere. I haven’t really been able to find things to replace them. I need a new wardrobe and don’t know where to shop.
oooh… I both love and hate those intersections on the road of our lives… where you have to stop for the sign, but there’s no urgency to move forward, because you are both looking in the rear view mirror AND trying to determine which path to take, right, left, or middle from here.
I have the excuse myself for why I don’t do those ‘old things’ any more, and it lies mainly in ‘because my husband doesn’t and we don’t have time’ – and then I realize that I’m really using an excuse. Those things don’t hold the same appeal they once did. Fabulous at the time. Wonderful as a memory. No draw as a ‘now or future’ thing.
But I find that there are things to do – just look around. Did you always want to do XXX but never found the time? Great time!!
Cooking lessons? Tango lessons? Learning an instrument? Studying philosophy at the local college? Learning to knit? Writing your own play?
The world is yours…
To go with your metaphor? Walk into as many shops as you can find, and walk out just as quickly if you don’t think within 30 seconds that there will be anything in your size or color!
((hug))
p.s. and tangential – hoping you are still coming next year – I get giddy thinking about it every so often!!
The problem I am running into is that my enthusiasm has dried up right now. I am sure it is a side affect of the depression as well as some circumstantial stuff.
Also the things that were driving me (like learning the enneagram) have opened too many bags of worms to deal with so I am holding off on doing more of that.
So between not being interested and holding off for safety’s sake, my options are rather limited. This sitting around and just dealing with what I already have sucks. But it is probably what I have to finally get around to learning.
p.s. The plan is still to head your way for worldcon and the week after. I am looking forward to it too. I just wish it wasn’t during the hottest month in Colo. I left because of that stupid heat.
we have air conditioning – and we keep it running
How about line dancing? That still interest you? (Want to find out?)
I liek reading what you have to write. I find myself being introspective… a comparison if you will. Of what I have done similar/ different…
you have such a great way of putting things into words.