I have been running over this post in my head for a day. I sort of don’t want to post it, I am a little concerned about the reaction of people to the post, but I figure that I am fighting sharing this info so I should go ahead and do it.
When the depression is strong there are parts of my body that call out for damage. A shot to the head, a stake in the heart, a knife in the gut. It isn’t a real desire but sort of a craving like “mmmm that chocolate cake would really hit the spot right now” type of thing. I find that I mime the action to which ever section of my body that is calling for it.
I don’t really want to do it. It would hurt and I Really Really don’t want to deal with the pain involved. But the concept calls to me. I figured out it is aimed at the section that is hurting and the action is a way to stop the hurting. And it isn’t hurt in a physical sense but another level below it. I have the head center, the heart center and the gut center. When I feel this, I pay attention to what has triggered it and look to see if there is a connection between the trigger and each center.
I find it interesting that I used to ask a friend at work if she would put a bullet in my head whenever I ran into issues. I would treat it as a laughing matter and she would say “NO!”. It was a very odd joke with us. Now it is more heart and gut centered. The head doesn’t come up often any more.
I had a new one last night. I was watching a delightful movie (Becoming Jane) even laughing at bits and I found I wanted to slit my throat. I had a slow day and wasn’t feeling all that great. It is no surprise the depression would reach out and take over. The concept was that the body and the head would still with the spilling of the blood and that I would be cut in half. It popped up a couple of times today.
There are times when a problem I am having with something or someone will show up on my radar and I feel like I have been kicked in the gut. I figure that is a pretty universal feeling. That feels external. This other thing is very internal. That the head/heart/gut (and now neck?) is the center of the pain and it needs to be lanced and allowed out. I still end so it isn’t a non-lethal lancing but that is where my focus is.
When I feel really awful about something I am responsible for (like when I get called on my being late or I make a big mistake on a job or etc…) I have the feeling of plunging the knife into the gut and cutting upwards. I wonder if that is a natural feeling and seppuku came from that or if it came to me since I know how seppuku is done.
To put those that are all set to worry at ease, No, I am not going to kill myself. I may have dark thoughts but I am not allowed to follow through on them. Death may be a happy place for me but Dying is something I want to avoid. This sort of stuff I live with most of the time. This is why I don’t like the quiet. This is what waits for me when I finally am willing to slow down. This is one reason I read so much and watch so much TV.
Would a size 10 wide steel-toe, steel-shanked safety boot applied to the centerline of your backside by a concerned friend and fellow depressant help?
Not in the least. Pretty much an extremely inappropriate response and would get you booted out of the friend pool. This is not something to be met with force, it is something to be met with understanding and empathy. This is not a momentary funk that I am stuck in but something I live with all the time and am learning to deal with instead of run from.
Huh.
Well, it makes sense to me… and truth be told, I’ve done it myself. I just never gave it much thought – nor put it into words.
I toy sometimes with the idea that this is what all of those who espouse “chi” and “chakras” and the like are referring to – the flow of energy through the body and the blocking of it by mind/heart/stress/events.
Now if only they weren’t so flaky about how they dealt with it, that would help me.
I’m big on the ‘shoot me!’ method you described above.
I don’t mean “shoot me” I mean, do something to get this pressure out of where it is and things flowing again.
((hug))
Your “shoot me” definition is pretty close, except it isn’t a flowing again idea. It is please make this stop feeling like this idea. Or a please eliminate this section of me, the rest is doing fine.
Nod. This is actually something that I think happens; sometimes when a person is hurting, they just think of the things that would alleviate the pain. I think that’s often the root of suicidal ideation.
Which doesn’t mean the feelings aren’t upsetting… but maybe they don’t need to be as upsetting as they might be.
I used to have similar kinds of feelings, mostly when I was really stressed.
Chakras, yes.
Specifically, the big 7 include the crown of the head, the middle of the forehead, throat, heart, solar plexus, mid-pelvis, and straight down from the spine.
I can see either of the first two, (more likely the third eye) being the target of the Head Shot, the throat being the target of the slitting, the heart being the target of the stake, and either the solar plexus or pelvis (more likely the former) being the target of the knife.
I experience all 7 of these chakras strongly, but not in the way you guys are describing – that is, not violently. However, I do have certain control and sensation issues associated with them that I can see being another vector of the same essential thing.
To me this seems like a reasonable input being filtered through a familiar theme. It’s perhaps a concern that the theme in question reflects serious harm, but that’s not exactly unheard of, or, in this case, even at all new.
If you’re already in the habit of thinking “well, what about that energy center needs attention?” when it comes up, then I don’t see that your methods need all that much improvement.
–Ember–
My awareness of the locations has come about with my work with the enneagram so it has been connected to the three centers.
The head is the side of the temple. It is direct access to the brain, or at least that is my interpretation of it.
The gut is just below the belly button. From what I understand it would be the pelvic chakra.
The throat one is new and the first to break out of the three centers. It could be that as I understand more and am able to see under layers, I am able to distinguish differentiations, things that would be more subtle. Or it could be that I am only living in the three centers having come from just living in the head and am slowly expanding to feeling in new areas.
I don’t experience these feelings as serious harm but can see where others would categorize it that way. To me it hurts if I don’t do anything and the thought is if I was able to do what I want, it would stop bothering me. Or I would no longer be able to be bothered. It is all about stopping the pain/discomfort/odd feeling not of hurting myself.
And I don’t think of it as the energy center needing attention but that I am currently in that energy center. That is where I am based at that moment. Like instead of working on something from the head-point (i.e. logically/stories/model making), this issue resolves around the emotions and that is where I am experiencing them. Or the issues revolve around instinct and the gut is where I am feeling them.
How’s that for an explanation.
I don’t experience these feelings as serious harm but can see where others would categorize it that way.
I meant the metaphor itself reflects serious harm, not that you are experiencing it as such.
What you are saying makes sense to me, though it’s not what my own first instincts would tell me in your place. However, it’s your body and soul and life, not mine, so my instincts aren’t what matter here.
I would say that “Hey, you’re living in this center!” is a form of “Pay attention to this center!”, it’s just a more specific sub-set than I would be able to assume with only what you’d told me so far.
I do wonder what connection the Enneagram has to Chakra medicine…
The Shot to the Temple, by the way, would correlate most closely to the third eye, but I can see what you mean about it not being a direct correlation.
–Ember–
Just from an outside observation, this sounds like what people into “cutting” go through, except that you’re not going through with it.
You might want to consider finding some sites that deal with that, since it’s a known phenomenon, and some of the same ways of dealing with that might help you deal with your situation.
I had a similar impression re: cutting, yes.
The other thing I was thinking was shakabuku but that’s probably less relevant and certainly less easily implemented.
That is what psyop6 seems to be trying to offer. I don’t see where this would be of any good but it looks like it is a common reaction people have to this.
Actually it is because of a number of spiritual kicks in the head that many of my problems are occurring. I am trying to limit them and learn to deal with the changes I already have gone through before I put myself in the fray again.
I don’t know a lot about cutting but from my understanding it is about control. That something out of a person’s control hurts and by cutting that person makes something else hurt by their own design to either distract them from the other pain or so they can experience/watch the healing process.
This isn’t what this is about. For me, it is about stopping the pain, about escape. It ain’t logical. It doesn’t work but the craving thinks it could.
Ok. I just saw the similar symptomatic associative behaviours (hurting yourself) and suggested accordingly. But you’re the one experiencing what you’re going through, so if you don’t see a similarity who am I to argue?
When I was in a bad place, I would think along similar lines, and wonder what it would feel like to do X. Mostly, it involved cutting or stabbing, or some such. I do think it’s natural when things aren’t right and depression kicks in. And I’m glad that you’re wanting to follow through on those thoughts.
It definitely sounds like you wanting to remove a section of you that might be having problems. It makes sense.
I think about you and worry about what you’re going through, although I know you will come out okay in the end; it takes a while for things to process and change. However, I still worry.
Read this post but don’t know what to say. If there is anything I could say or type that would help.
just wanted you to know I am still reading and still thinking of you.
thanks for letting me know.