I think I have figured out why I am having such a hard time with getting out of bed in the morning. I keep doing things that are like picking at a scab or rebandaging a wound, things like ending part of a relationship because it is hurting, dealing with issues that someone else has turned into high drama, confronting a friend that has let me down to work things out, poking at personal weaknesses, etc. All of these things are healthy things and lead to better results but they hurt a lot in the meantime.
When I am out and about in my life, this is what I am filling it with so no wonder my subconscious wants to keep me in bed where I would be safe. I may be miserable, sick and unemployed but I am safe.
I was describing my revelation about my getting up in the morning problem to a friend and she asked me why don’t I do anything for fun anymore. I realized that I am not doing much of anything that is really enjoyable to me. It seems more a factor of me not being interested than there not being anything interesting happening. I seem to be drawn to the painful things as the only things worth putting energy into. They are the only things that have any juice. The only other things I do are to numb me out like reading and watching TV.
I would love to do something I was excited about that didn’t hurt. To be wrapped up in something that just feels good. I would love to lose myself in something wonderful but I realize that pretty much leads to a harder fall when it doesn’t work. I think I had a dose of wonderful around baycon with little visits to it since then but everything that I can think of that was good has turned sour and either don’t exist anymore or are sources of pain. I have left over rocks of pain from before then as well.
I don’t look at the pain as a bad thing. It isn’t like touching a burning stove and needing to pull a hand back immediately. It is like having burnt a hand in the past and being sensitive to heat, touching a warm hot water bottle and learning that the pain that is felt isn’t real. The sources that are hurting me are things I need to work through and I think are worthwhile doing. Some make sense why they hurt, others are my reactions to past hurts.
But, if I were a hurt little girl locked up inside of me seeing the one in charge of her doing things over and over that only result in more pain, I think I would do whatever I could to undermine that control too.
I wish I could figure out something that would feel good and be safe. That little girl deserves to have her concerns heard and resolved. I just have no idea how to do that. These things that are sources of pain are important to me and aren’t something I can just let go of. This process of growth is important to me and I am going to keep going on it. I would like a way to protect her and me, make us safe without needing to sacrifice the growth.
“I don’t look at the pain as a bad thing. It isn’t like touching a burning stove and needing to pull a hand back immediately. It is like having burnt a hand in the past and being sensitive to heat, touching a warm hot water bottle and learning that the pain that is felt isn’t real. The sources that are hurting me are things I need to work through and I think are worthwhile doing. Some make sense why they hurt, others are my reactions to past hurts.”
That’s really beautiful and useful and helpful.
May I quote just this in my LJ without specifying context or ownership (unless you want me to credit you)?
–Ember–
You are welcome to copy and spread this where ever you like. If it helps to attach my name and LJ, great, if not that is fine too.
As is most things I post, it is the message that is important. If others get good out of, I am so happy I bothered to post it. I don’t feel exposed and I don’t feel the need for credit.
Thank you for letting me know the affect of this. It means I will keep trying to do stuff like this.
hm.
Hope this doesn’t stray too far from the mark or push your analogy to far – but there’s a reason that the 4 year old in our house doesn’t always get what she wants… and that’s because the “little girl” makes decisions based on what she THINKS is her best interest, but sometimes, isn’t really.
If she ran things, she’d have chocolate and ice cream for lunch every day…
My point is that yeah, maybe your inner little girl is hurting and undermining you – but maybe your adult you needs to be the one to take her in hand and say ‘sometimes, it seems like it’s not a good idea, but in the end, it is – you’re just going to have to trust me on this one.”
((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))
You are completely correct in your extension of the analogy. The bit I would add is that if the 4 year old feels like she is locked up and doesn’t get any of her way and doesn’t feel like she is being taken care of, then something is wrong and needs to be addressed.
Your 4 year old feels very loved and very cared for so when she doesn’t get her way, it is a short disappointment.
My 4 year old is causing problems because she doesn’t feel like she is getting her needs met. She shouldn’t be in charge. I don’t think she even wants to be in charge. I feel rather sorry for her that she feels she needs to go to this extent to get her needs met.
*hugs* Oh, boy, do I feel your pain. This post totally sums up how I’ve been feeling of late. Life gets really, really hard when it seems like there are no safe places to go that don’t hurt.
“Life is tough as shit right now/but soon this too will pass
It’ll be okay/things’ll get better”
(From “Colma, the Musical”)
Colma the Musical rocked!
“Some day, I’ll find my happy place
and I won’t have to share any of it with you
’cause you’ll have your own”