This started as a rant and turned into something very personal and very long. I am cut tagging it for those that aren’t in the mood for something serious or those that aren’t ready to treat this with a great deal of respect. This is a flow from my fingers and I have not gone over it for editing other than spelling. It took an hour just to get it all out of my head and in text. I am too worn out to edit it to make more sense and say what I truly mean and right now I don’t want to see it again.
I am actually posting this instead of just keeping it for my own education for a few reasons: I don’t write for myself so the intension at the beginning was to post this and if I don’t I will probably write less; it will let people know what is going on with me and might explain some things; and people have expressed that they appreciate me posting things because it has helped them with their stuff. The last is probably the one that is most important to me and the main impetus for me making this public.
I hate people. Actually I hate the fact that I need people and actually care and need to care.
In my life I am trying to learn to make deeper connections to a few people instead of delightful surface connections to a lot of people. I enjoyed the surface level connections. People were bright and interesting and mattered to me but could be almost interchangeable as needed. I didn’t depend on many of them and I flitted. It was fun and interesting and delightful. But I burned out. It became too much energy pouring into others that didn’t return the same amount. I am sure I had people that cared about me that I would leave in the dust because I would flit onward. Any time I had problems with people, I would leave and find a whole new set of friends to hang out with. I am good at the elements it takes to find people that I can be friends with. It served me well when I moved from CO to CA. This way of living entertained me while I was on this earth waiting until it was all over. There wasn’t much to miss. I have always hated the fact that I needed (as in a survival need) contact with people and that I couldn’t come and go as I felt I needed. I like people and like dealing with them but when they start hurting me or they start ignoring me, I feel I should be able to blow them off as unimportant and do something else with my life. I have been hurt by how others have treated me all my life and having this distance was a survival mechanism that was required but it didn’t work as well as I hoped. I always had to come back and care again.
For the last few years, I have been trying to build deeper connections and limit the spread of my attentions. This includes working through issues with friends and not just finding replacements. I believe that what I get from this is what makes life actually worth living. I have found a deep seated need/desire to connect with others and work towards a common goal and build a supportive structure of community. It matters to me so much it can make me cry just thinking about it. This is something I have hidden from myself for most of my life because it has been too important to expose lest it take damage. It is still a work in progress, I am not there yet but I have seen what seems to be a peek into what it could be and it is worth it to me.
But I am running into a problem that hurts a lot right now. Since I am more involved with people, I make plans that count on them and don’t make alternative plans. Repeatedly I have been left hanging out to dry. People that I have counted on have dropped me and not been there the way they said they would. And it hurts because not only have I been abandoned/ignored/set-up/cut off/uncared about/whatever, I have to sit and live in those feelings because I don’t have other plans in play to distract me. These are feelings I don’t handle well, they have always been a weak spot for me. I realize that I have treated other people poorly to avoid these feelings.
And when I confront the person that has done this, I find out that something awful has hit them and it isn’t personal to me. They are doing what they need to to take care of themselves. This hurt even more because not only to I have my hurt feelings to deal with, I have to swallow that they are in their own stuff and forgive them. I don’t have the option of being the bad guy, not if I want to be who I want to be. Add the spice of needing to feel sorry for them because I really do care about them to make this truly a delightful experience. It is too bad that finding out that it wasn’t personal doesn’t make the feelings go away, it just take away the blame and of course since my friend is going through something bad, they can’t be there for me and my hurt feelings.
And honestly, this is ok. I don’t have a problem with someone needing to pull back because the universe has handed them a bag-O-crap. My problem lies in the fact that I haven’t been disconnected from depending on them. All I need is to be told that something has happened and they aren’t working at full capacity. I believe that I would switch from wanting something from them to being supportive of them or at least creating space for them because this is my instinct even when I am hurting from being dropped. Instead things are left to the last minute or ignored all together leaving me without information to sit and stew and hurt the entire time. With an ending of me needing to forgive them and hurt. This sucks.
But again, this is life. This happens. This is how most people deal with life crisises. They can’t think beyond their problems. Their focus is themselves and what they need to do to deal. They can’t think about who might have connections to them and need to be disconnected. I get that. The big issue I have here is that while most of the time I do get an apology for getting left out in the cold, there is no solution to avoiding it happening again. I am left with the choice of going through it again (because if this is how they dealt with it once, this is their pattern for dealing with things) or not trusting that person to be there. Since I can’t tell when the universe will hand them crap, I have to be ready for it at all times. I have one friend I was going to ask to go to a favorite restaurant an hour away but we have one of these times between us that is unresolved and it would hurt so incredibly bad to have him agree to meet me and then cancel when I was already on the way because I would be stuck with no options. So I didn’t even bother to call him to ask.
This solution means that people I have connected with and matter to me who have been hit hard by life are being categorized as untrustworthy. This completely interferes with our ability to connect. So the people I have had the most success connecting with are the ones I have to be afraid of and keep at arm’s distance. I need and want them and they are the most dangerous. I imagine this is why I hate people.
I am sure I must also do this to others and I am unaware of it. Some of that would be that I don’t know I have done something and no one has told me and some of it would be that I can’t afford to see it because I would beat on myself for being a bad person doing to others what has hurt me so much. I have had one friend inform me that I was doing something that she felt was personally aimed at her, that I was trying to make her go away. I was and so grateful for her letting me know that she felt that way. I was able to apologize and let her know that what I was doing was an artifact of what I was going through and I was oblivious to the affect on her. And I made a point of working on understanding what was going on with both of us, how I pick up on her distress earlier, how it could be safe for her to inform me of the problem when it is going on and how we can avoid putting her in a similar situation again. Because this was a burn for her, we are not doing things where she is dependent on me transporting her until she feels safe again. There is room created for her hurt feelings even though I didn’t to anything wrong and what I was going through had nothing to do with her. This felt very connecting and a good thing resulting from a problem. I don’t know how much of this is because I was on the other side instead of the side that included the hurt or how much of this is because this is a model of how I think these things could and should be worked out. My dad and I have many issues and we try to do this. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. It works enough for me to keep trying and keep connecting and keep trusting. But he is also my dad and I have tried with him again and again over the years and he has been one of the worst offenders of leaving me hanging and never dealing with the repercussions so I don’t know how much this counts either.
I do need to acknowledge that lately I have been getting information from most of the friends that this has come up with. when I have confronted them with my vulnerability and pain, they have filled me in on what has been happening with them. In the past (and in a case or two currently) I would just get silence and have to figure things out for myself. I appreciate that they are willing to share the information and willing to at least talk with me when they are not wanting to talk to anybody. This is very valuable and I treasure it. This has made it possible to continue to be willing to connect with them and get the positives from the relationship. It also allows the occurrence of hurting again.
I have worked hard on not needing the mass of information I have required in the past. It would be good to get at least a heads-up about these problems before I get stood up but most importantly I need a solution to know where to trust and where to allow room so that I don’t have to go through this pain again. This pain hurts so much that I have avoided having people matter to me all my life. I am amazed that I have the strength to experience it now and survive to be willing to try it again. This is a testament to how important it is to me and how much I have accomplished with the work in myself.
Honestly, I think there is a good chance that in here lies the roots of why I have such troubles getting out of bed in the morning. This is the world where this pain lives. In bed, asleep is the world where I know all and control all even if it doesn’t feel that way and I can avoid being put in the position of being hurt by others. I have been willing to make myself vulnerable and have kept getting hurt by going out into the world. I have made that choice and will keep making it. It wouldn’t be too surprising that my subconscious is finding a way to keep me as safe as possible while it still has some ability to control me. It doesn’t seem to matter that I am miserable and causing more damage as in feeling sick, depressed and not earning money to afford having somewhere to sleep in. It feels it is keeping me safe.
I started to write this because I hurt and I was angry and I just wanted to scream that I HATE people. I was slamming my palm into the shower wall because it hurt. This has turned into much much more. I have bled onto the page to the point of releasing a lot of the intensity of the feeling. I am being rational about it instead of emotional. I have explained more than I intended and I think I may have unraveled something that has been hiding from myself. I feel so very sorry for this hurt little version of me and I cry for her. But now I can hold her and comfort her a little more. She deserves it. She has been so brave and so hurt.
I am being rational about it instead of emotional.
You have always been rational and thoughtful about your emotional side. You analysis usually leads you to good places – or at least places of growth.
That said, this post made me cry. Because I don’t have any answer for you.
I don’t know that the pain of those sorts of let-downs can be avoided. I still go through it regularly, even though I would expect my friends to be somewhat better about it at this point in life.
Then again, I’m guilty myself of being the offending party. My SIL and I had a conversation (serious one) just a few weeks ago about how we BOTH do it to each other – and how much it hurts us both.
We resolved to do better – but I don’t expect that we’ll ever be
‘perfect’ about it. Either of us.
One of the pivotal discussions of my life was that one that you and I had at the Village Inn on East Hampden around the time when I was 19 – when I told you that it always used to drive me crazy when we were kids that when we’d fight, I’d always have to be the one to call you to make up and ‘be friends again’ – because it always felt like our friendship meant more to me than it did to you.
You laughed and told me then that the reason was that you always felt like I was only being your friend out of sympathy or pity – and you figured it would be easier for me to walk away from you if you didn’t call and ‘pester me’ so you didn’t.
It let me know how much perception is in our own heads.
You have always been important to me – since that day I met you in the basement at Molly’s house when I was 5. I’ve always hated the fact that there has been distances between us – but have also respected that more than anything, that was your way of coping with the world… and taken things at the pace and level that you need to.
Still, I get the ‘hating people’ thing – I can’t tell you how many times a year that comes out of my mouth.
I’m in a bit of a different situation though, and I’ll admit it. Having M for a husband changes things for me… because he has been there for me for the past 11 years in a way that my family, friends, and others never have been. So there’s someone I can turn to when I’m trying to express/cope with the pain of having friends blow me off, or family treat me like I’m less than important enough to include in their lives.
I don’t know how to find that for anyone else. I didn’t ever expect to find it myself. I don’t know how I did. I don’t know that I would’ve survived without it… Oh, I suspect I would’ve, I managed to survive 30 years of that heartache without it… but it helps.
Still, that hurt self in you? She needs to be validated as much as anyone else.
You seem to say that you aren’t allowed to express your own hurt when those who have inflicted that hurt have “things happening in their own lives” that are part of the cause… that’s crap. If I’m coping with bad stuff, but I’m also treating you like dirt – I’d like you to tell me that I’m treating you like dirt – so I can get my priorities back in line… Honestly? treating those we love well needs to be one of the highest priorities out there.
Anyhow, I’m rambling too.
Love you. Just need you to know it.
rational emotions
I may have always seemed rational about my emotions, that is not always the case. I am working on actually experiencing my emotions more lately and boy-oh-boy do they get their hands on me and make a mess. When I was trying to punch a hole in the shower wall the morning I wrote the post, that was rather irrational. Once I was putting things into words, I saw the process shift from irrational to rational. It was a rather odd thing to actually see/feel.
I appreciate your comment very much. I don’t need answers but knowing someone is there with me or watching helps.
on let downs being avoided
I don’t expect the pain from the let downs to go away. It is human nature. I do want partners in trying to avoid repeating the same things over again and at least find new ways to hurt each other accidentally. This is one of the areas where I find that pain is worthwhile. It helps create a cooperative process between people.
pivotal discussion
I am so glad that you wrote about that important discussion we had. I didn’t remember it because it was so standard for me and it really does explain so much. You having written it out has let me revisit it over and over and it has been a beautiful explanation for a major defense of mine.
having M
I am so grateful for your hubby. I am so very pleased that he fits with you in such a way that he can be a solid foundation when the other important people in your life are being dips. I have no idea how you found him but I do think he was the gift you got when you changed your life and viewpoint so drastically. And he seems to glow about you.
being treated like dirt
I haven’t really been treated like dirt. And I don’t feel like I can’t express my feelings. I did. It would be so much easier if the other person was being a dipshit and could see the errors of their ways and change accordingly. Since the problem is a result of something much important eating up bandwidth, not only do I feel bad for my sake, I also feel bad for their sake. An example would be something like planning on staying at a friend’s place for a weekend because I need help after my surgery and in the few days before his girlfriend had a death in her family, a death in the family of a close friend, his mom went blewie and dumped all her financial troubles on him and he found out his job would be going away in about a month. It is unreasonable for me to expect to be hosted by them at that time when they have those things going on. My feelings hurt because when I got the call it was just “nope you can’t come” the day before I was suppose to show up. It makes complete sense when I got the details. I was actually rather lucky to get the call when I did considering what was going on and his tendency to deal by retreating. Doesn’t stop it from hurting that I got dropped and I was in a bad way myself but I can understand why it went the way it did. What I would like in the future is to work out a way for information to be passed around sooner so when things started to fall apart, I could be informed and cut loose to take care of myself instead of finding out about it after the fact and after I have been hurt.
If you are in a crisis, I will accept some dirt treating, I would rather make room for it instead of being blindsided. And when things are cleared up and the bandwidth is there for more compassionate communication, talking it out is a good thing. When we are in crisis mode, we are hard pressed to take care of others. We are using too much of our resources taking care of ourselves and that is the way it should be.
I am just pissy because I have not been informed that there is a crisis when it is affecting me so that I can cut bait and take care of myself. This is why I hate people.
On that last one?
“nope you can’t come” the day before I was suppose to show up doesn’t fly in my book…
That IS treating someone like dirt.
How I wish we lived in the same city so I could’ve just told you to come to my house instead!!
You know, I say that, but I also live it.
It’s not as extreme – but on the 4th of July, I had a dear friend call who was having a super shitty day. Emotionally, physically, mentally. She asked me what we were doing.
What were we doing? Trying to pack to leave on a trip the next day – and coping with about 2 dozen ‘personal crises’ of our own, and trying to figure out how to fit in some sort of 4th of July celebration for the 4 year old too… The last thing we needed was company!
But that’s not what I told her – I told her to get her happy little ass over to our house – because she’s family, and we love her, and no one should have to cope with that sort of shit alone.
We had a lovely night – and we talked and supported each other… because that old Callahanian saying of ‘sorrows shared are halved, joy shared is doubled’ is true.
Friends aren’t just there for you when it’s convenient for them. They are there for you when it’s INconvenient for them… they are there for you when they don’t have the resources to be, or the time – but make it happen anyways.
If you told me tomorrow that you needed me to come out there because it was urgent? I’d find a way.
Do I have time or money for it? Nope. But YOU are worth it. You always will be.
Love you – and by the way? You ARE family. You are always welcome in my home. Always.
((((((hug))))))
I am planning on taking you up on staying with you if I can make it out for Worldcon 2008. I am hoping to take the week off and clean out my room at my dad’s house before he sells it someday.
You can walk through memory lane with me. I am positive I have some valentine’s day cards from elementary school in there as well as old stuff animals.
ABSOLUTELY!!!
I just told M and he’s excited too!!
Hey, LMB is going to be there? I’m there… We’ll have to talk between now and then… I think it would be fun to get a room at one of the hotels for one night of the con – but still have the homebase for retreat. I will certainly chauffeur you as well if that’s something you need.
I think it would be fun to dig all through that stuff as well – my mom threw all of mine for the most part away when she sold our house as soon as I graduated from high school.
:*
Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!
p.s. I know how con stuff goes – so if you’re staying here – you are under NO obligation schedule-wise… spend your time how you want, just give me dinner one day
You know, I’ve had that feeling before, about “oh, great, I was hurt and upset and now I have to be all forgiving, and it’s frustrating.” And I realized I was trapped in a false dichotomy.
It was like, I could either be angry and frustrated, or forgiving and compassionate, either I could accept *my* pain, or *their* pain.
And I hadn’t realized I could accept both pains… hypothetically saying something like “Oh, hell, that was rough… and of course I didn’t expect you to (do X) with me, under those circumstances. But I still wish you’d told me; it wasn’t that you weren’t there so much as I didn’t know *why*.”
Only, you know, not quite as *scripted*.
By putting both pains there together, I could make both of them important. I didn’t feel like I had to swallow my own pain, and ignore it, and I could determine if the other person learned the lesson, and treating it like part of the “how to handle John” manual, rather than as an accusation.