This is just sort of a babble of a post.

Still not up to par but I am doing better. I can drive which is good because I need to be able to do that to take care of myself. I am still really careful with what I can eat and my throat hurts most of the time. Percocet is suppose to be my friend but it still has yet to get rid of the pain. I saw a comic in the New Yorker with the caption “I would like to up my dosage, I still have feelings.” It was a patient on a shrinks couch but it seems relevant to what I am going through too.

Sometimes it seems like I am doing ok and getting better, other times it feels like everything is against me and I am alone and can’t do anything. I was pretty well taken care of the first week after the surgery when I really couldn’t take care of myself. I had Fennifer stop by last Fri and Sat. Sunday I found I dropped right back into the depression mode I was in before the surgery. Monday, renwench stopped by after work and we went grocery shopping. I had her be my back up and tested to see if I could drive while on pain meds. It was a little wearing but that was more because I really hadn’t been active for about three weeks and was weak than because the drugs were messing me up. Tuesday, I had some appointments that I pushed myself through and in the afternoon I hung out with Lizzy and that was very good. I felt like I was mostly back to my old self. I still needed to take it slowly but I wasn’t in need of a babysitter anymore to take care of me. Wed Fennifer came over and cleaned and cooked and we went shopping and saw Meet the Robinsons (fun movie). It felt good but I was very tired when I got home.

Today I was suppose to spend a couple of hours at work, go to a 5pm appointment and a 6:30 group class. I just couldn’t do it in the morning. I called work and told them that I was toast and I would try again later. Turns out that I slept and still had a horrible time getting up in the afternoon. It seems that I am paying for doing so much the two previous days. So I couldn’t help out my old company with their upcoming presentation and I made it to my appointment 10 minutes late. I fell to pieces at my therepy session. I just can’t keep it up. I am being pulled so many ways and it turns out I still need a babysitter. I don’t need the level of care I had the first week but I still need help.

Since I can do things for myself, it is almost impossible for me to ask for help. I can do my own dishes, I can clean up my apartment, I can dress myself, etc. but I am not doing it. It isn’t something I can really even explain because it doesn’t make sense to me. It just meant so much to me to have Fennifer make me some eggs when I could do it myself. I am not well and recovering from the surgery has made it even more so. Or visa versa. Sometimes it is ok, sometimes it is not ok. Sometimes it has to be all about me, sometimes it is good for it to be about someone else that isn’t me.

I have something to do and people to be with on Sat and Sunday. The person I thought would cover Friday ended up with life pounding on her and is unavailable. Since my plan didn’t work, my mind is drawing a blank on what else to put into play. This bothers me, I am not use to my mind being so limited. I think this is the effect of the pain meds.

So that is where things are now. Sometimes it is good and ok and I am on top of it. Sometimes it is not ok, I need real help and I am burying myself even deeper. Middle grounds would be nice.