Things still hurt and they will hurt for at least a week longer. I am at the point where I thought I would be when the surgery was over.
My tongue has finally stopped hurting so much that it masks the throat pain. I can use my tongue again and might even be able to come close to eating and chewing. The sad part about this is that now I can feel how bad my throat hurts.
Going a couple rounds with Kaiser on Thursday got me more powerful meds and even more powerful meds. I was concerned that the really powerful ones would make me less likely to eat. Since the main problem I am having is getting enough food and liquids into me, being less likely to eat would be a Bad Thing (TM). And going into the weekend, there wouldn’t be anything that could be done until Monday. Again with the Bad thing. So now I have a variety to choose from to make me feel better. I have still to get to a point where there is no pain. The best I have managed it the point where I don’t feel like screaming when I swallow or bend things because I am clutching too tightly to try to take the focus away from drinking.
It still hurts now but it seems more manageable. I have given up any idea of being fully functional for the next week.
I have also used up all my assistant plans. Kristil was a wonderful babysitter for when I had the surgery. Ken took me in and did a great job taking care of me for Sat-Tue. Chris was good and helped me strive for getting better Tue-Thurs. Jennifer came over for part of the day Fri and Sat. Now, there are no more plans. I am once again all on my own. I don’t need quite the level of care, the making me food and bringing it to me in bed anymore. That would still help a lot but it is no longer a need. I am in a place where I am not sure what type of help I could ask for or would feel comfortable asking for. I am not able to do “Polite”. I feel that I would get very frustrated with someone’s attempt to help if it isn’t exactly right because I have to be in charge again. When I could turn it over to someone else and was allowed to pout when it wasn’t working right, it was ok. When I have to be the one organizing and making things happen and I am still working through someone else, then stupid stuff like not finding the right pudding at the store becomes really hard because I am not taking care of myself and I am not being taken care of. I am still not up to “making nice” so that people will still like me and be my friends. That will come back after I feel comfortable taking care of myself.
I am not even sure I can go back to Ken or Chris’s if they offered. Ken offered me to stay the weekend and then back out in a bad way. He has set me up against his girlfriend and I am not pleased with this. I am not feeling overly trusting all over again. Asking for help just allows others to hurt you. Probably a lot of these feelings are because I am facing being alone again and so I have to put on the armour. Make it more about my choice instead of there being no one there for me. The timing of this surgery really sucked. I just found out a friend’s wedding is tomorrow when the invite arrived in the mail. Every time I think about it I get heartsick because I would love to see the event in person.
I am sure I will be fine. I am always fine.
(FYI renwench, you will be tapped for grocery shopping when I figure out what I need and when.)
Deal. I’ll swing by Monday night after work and see how you’re doing and what I can to to help unless you tell me otherwise.
*hugs* I have my work schedule for next week.
The unfortunate part is that I only have Monday and Friday available. Would my coming out to you (on BART) be at all useful/wanted on either or both those days?
You can call my cell, 925-519-8465, or if talking hurts you can email me at fenswoman at gmail dot com. Let me know. I would be happy to come out.
Sparrow
thank you for the offer. Sadly I read this late on sunday and Dorothy is checking in on me on Monday so that day is a bit of a miss. I am not sure how Friday is going to be but I might take you up on that. We can even discuss enneagram 2/6 stuff if you want.
Talking has gotten a lot better and seems to be on the upswing.
Thanks
*hugs* I am glad you are doing some better. Let me know if there’s anything I can do.
Sparrow
Boy you are fast.
Physically I am doing somewhat better. I have pain meds that at least do something, I have a clue what is going on and I almost have the use of my tongue back. I don’t know if I can drive. OK I know I can drive a little bit but that doesn’t really count.
The depression has moved right back in like it wasn’t ever gone. If nothing else this surgery experience has let me see differences in how I behave. I am doing ok now because I have been dealing with people for the last two or three hours via the internet or over the phone. I hate that I seem to require some sort of external connection to function. Mostly because that external connection can not be depended on or controlled.
I know that feeling oh so well. Solitude fuels my depression faster than anything, pain included. Tonight sucks, and I will probably spend it online, to keep in touch with anyone available. (see my journal for details)
Hang in there, do what you need to, to break the depression. You can do this. I will be here, for hours at least, probably all night, as I said, if you need to talk.
*hugs*
Sparrow