I started writing this at 2am but couldn’t finish because the light from the computer was bothering me and making me feel even more ill. It wasn’t a migraine but it had some shared components.
I don’t feel very good. It has been a long time since making food has made me to nauseous to eat it. I can’t even eat more than half of a Power Gel. I miss the old type of food bars before they “tasted good.” They didn’t try to please the pallet and therefore could be eaten without thinking. Now the thought of any of them makes me ill. Too sweet.
I went to bed lat night around midnight. I thought about getting up at 8:30am. And 11 and 1:30. The last time I looked at the clock it was 2:35pm. Then I stopped looking at the clock. And it got dark. And darker to a point I couldn’t see the clock. When I finally got up, it was 7:50pm. I took my meds. I made some Chicken and Broccoli rice and sauce and ate that. I called a friend after eating so I had at least some outside contact. I started watching my TiVo. Around midnight, I realized I wasn’t feeling very good and I should eat more. Since I have been thinking about eggnog french toast for week, I gave it a try. By the time I was done with all 9 pieces, I was to nauseous to eat them. I made a valiant attempt and picked my way through a slice and a half. I drank apple juice to get me started. I tried adding apple sauce for the fructose content and I just couldn’t swallow it. I keep burping up what I had eaten. By 1am I realized I had messed up my system so much that I was past the able to eat point and I needed to eat to get better. I pulled out the Power Gel at that time. I wasn’t able to finish it and that is a first. There was nothing I thought I could keep down. And since I had slept so much, I couldn’t escape into sleeping. And I was so worn out and had no energy.
It started feeling rather hopeless, like why bother. This was not a good place for my head to be. A really bad place for my head to be. It ranked high enough to warrant a call to my dad. I left a message but I did do it. I took one of my panic meds in hopes it would help or at least make me not care that I felt rotten instead of dwelling on it and getting frustrated. Around 4am I was able to go back sleep.
My alarm went off at 7:15am like usual and I felt about like I normally do in the morning. My dad called at 8:30am to make sure I was away and we talked for a little bit. It was really really good. I think I needed that.
Today is kind of ok. I am starting to have issues three hours after lunch. I will probably be borderline for awhile. I haven’t messed up on food like this when I was in control of things for years. It could be a response to being so busy during the two days prior but it doesn’t feel that way. I am more inclined to think it was because I didn’t have something scheduled with someone else for that day and I almost always blow my own stuff off if given the chance. I use to have a very full social calendar because of this very reason. Lately, my calendar has crickets because I am refusing to make things happen for/with others. I figure it is a cycle.
I am putting this out there to acknowledge that I did this and remind myself later that I did this. This is not a broadcast post to inform people but for my own sake.
Always feel free to call on this ‘Two’, when you need/want someone to talk to. More contact is never a bad thing in my world. And I can poach you some eggs, if you need bland, easy, non sweet, protien to get you started.
The enneagram book is facinating, by the way.
*hugs*
Sparrow
*laughs* I was going to suggest eggs might be just the thing!
Of course I’m biased about Incredible, Edible EGGS right now…
–Ember–
Actually eggs would have been too powerful for me at the time. I eat them pretty much every morning and am way to familiar with the smell.
*nods* Fair enough.
I admit, there seems to be an underlying pattern here that I don’t entirely grok that I get the impression you do. Which is why I wouldn’t dream of doing any more than suggest
–Ember–
How awful! You need a Gina-keeper, to lend a hand at such times…I worry about you and wish I were nearer.
I would love a Gina-keeper. There use to be the Gina Maintenance team but I ended up being too much for them to handle and it had to be disbanded.
There really isn’t too much to worry about. I have my ups and downs and always end up coming out the other end. Just sometimes it isn’t easy. In fact the therapist says I am doing much better because I am willing to let myself go into these painful places and am learning that I can get out. In the past, dealing with the pain was not an option.
I wish you were nearer too for other reasons.
I am so sorry to hear about River, I have only an idea how hard that is on you.
Thank you for your kind words. She is deeply missed by all. Jordan Bear is flying up tonight to spend the weekend with folks who will understand his grief. He is feeling lost with the southern household that are not really pet people to begin with and never knew the River Girl at all…
Let me know if the Gina Maintenance reforms. I’ve be happy to be a Northern Member of the Team. I do miss you though we never had the time that I would have wanted when we were nearer even!
Be kind and gentle to yourself!
Schedules
I think you hit on something there . . . you had nothing scheduled. And, that once you started thinking of food the way you think of medicine, you knew you had to eat even if you didn’t want to.
If you combine both of thoes; and schedule at least one meal a day; I will have 1/2 a sandwich at 2pm, every day; maybe you can stave off future episodes.
Good luck, and be well.
~MHC
Re: Schedules
There you go being all practical and logical. Very good ideas but sadly I have known these for years, pretty much decades by now (almost a full 20 years). That is why it has been years since this problem has occurred. Normally I do take care of it rationally even when I don’t want to. The problem arises when my logic and practical side isn’t functioning.
This is all buried in the emotional unconscious garbage I am working on. It is so weird to know I have to get up to eat, etc and watch how my body just isn’t doing it. And if I try to force the issue, there is an overwhelming feeling of terror that starts to build and I MUST roll over and bury myself into the covers. It isn’t rational and it is something I need to work with and through. It feels very much like a 2 or 3 year old.
When I have a something scheduled with others, I don’t have the option to be irrational. In the past, I always used to have my weekends scheduled. Lately, I am not feeling as social and friends aren’t showing up as much since I am not doing the calling.
Interesting note: every comment on this post are from people that I see infrequently. We like each other but don’t know each other well. Those that do know me well didn’t post (or haven’t as of yet) for whatever reason. Nobody on LJ has heard about this in person.
Re: Schedules
We see each other infrequently because you live on the other end of the state.
Re: Schedules
Exactly.
My point was that that those that are close aren’t showing up and those that are far are.
There are lots of ways of interpreting that fact.
Re: Schedules
I tend not to comment on posts like this made by people I know well because I tend to think I should wait till I see them in person so we can talk about it in greater depth. *shrug* Dunno if that’s the case with your friends or not, but it’s one interpretation.
Re: Schedules
That is one possibility. Another is close people don’t know what to post. Or that the moment is over and they know that. Or or or…
I am not saying it is a bad thing, just that it is something to notice and be aware of. It might mean something, it might not.
*Please* keep me on your list of people to call when you need to. As I’ve said before, I’m not always available but, if I am, I certainly am for you … and, if you don’t call, neither of us will know. I’m your friend. I value you, your intelligence, your sense of humor, your sense of the absurd, your energy, your vitality, your vast common-sense…YOU! I like to know you’re well, happy and healthy. If you’re not and contact with someone else will help, I’m more than happy to be that someone.
So, keep me on the list, ‘K?
(((hugs))) and a big bowl of homemade chicken soup!
You are on my list. Problem is that I am not wanting to call anyone lately. And when I knew I needed to talk, it was around 2 or 3am and I don’t think I know anyone that is available regularly at that time anymore. It hurts too much to reach out when in need and not find anyone. It is much safer to curl up and hide until it gets better. It was a huge deal that I actually called my dad.
Thanks for the reminder about why you like me. It will probably come in handy again.
*hugs*
Just thought I would check in on you and see how things are going. Have to agree that necessarily posting here isn’t the place I’d normally consider saying things other than the bare minimum, but should have emailed privately.
*lol* take care, and I don’t mind calls either, although unless you’ve got Vonage like me, you probably wouldn’t WANT to do that!