I read this one someones journal on OKCupid. Sounds about right to me.
———————-
Men and women really usually don’t know what the other wants for foreplay or sex.
- 95% of women like their neck kissed (or butterflied)
- 10% of men kiss their partner’s neck.
- Most women like light scalp massages, ligh stroking on the cheeks, kissing the bridge of the nose, etc.
- Most men think that women want to have eye contact, kiss, but otherwise the head isn’t on the list.
- Most men go from kissing to the nipples
- Most women: “Owch”, they need to warm up first.
- Most men think foreplay is something to get past and spend less than 5 minutes
- Most women think it is fore-play. They want to play and be played with their partner.
- Most women think about what they feel during sex
- Most men, sports scores
- Most men want help finding the right place and feedback
- Most women want men to be men and know all of that
(the first is an actual statistic I recently read, the rest are paraphrases of older information)
sounds about right… especially the 3rd one
(fortunately my husband’s in the 10% on the first one… phew!
There was a good reason they used to call it “necking”
I like to switch back and forth between kissing lips and neck.
There’s actually this wonderful spot on the chest just above the center, off to either side. Teens often find it because they’re scared to kiss nipples directly, and work up to it.
Necks are nice, too… but as you’re working your way from neck to nipple, this is a nice place to settle.
The perspective seems to suggest that it is the man’s responsibility to know, understand and service their woman as she sees fit. The perspective is that what is important, the only statistics sited, are a woman’s wants and needs not their partners and they are dissatisfied that their partners are only interested in their own wants and needs. So in essence all it’s really saying is the problem with sexual dissatisfation is self-centerness, not gender.
If women don’t want to suck down cum they shouldn’t be surprised that men don’t want to neck.
mmm, sucking down cum…
hey, wait, where are the stats about cum-sucking in there? stupid list. leaves out the most important thing! doesn’t have anything about ass-fucking either.
So in essence all it’s really saying is the problem with sexual dissatisfation is self-centerness, not gender.
Sorta kinda mostly but not entirely, since if you happen to selfishly want the same things your partner wants it can work out great despite plenty of self-centeredness. I maintain that I suck cock for entirely selfish reasons.
If women don’t want to suck down cum they shouldn’t be surprised that men don’t want to neck.
How is necking and fellatio correlative? Both are, for me, situational, and, in my experience, equally so for men. Yes, I do actually know men who do not always want to get a blow-job, as well as ones that desire a nice necking session on the couch in front of a fire (not to suggest he would not also enjoy a blow-job later, of course).
I maintain that I suck cock for entirely selfish reasons.
Yup! I know of what you speak.
Whereas I agree the list above is rather one sided (and does not take into consideration the age and sexual peak of either the men or woman) I think that the list is meant to point out the differences between what woman often want and what men often seem to think. I am not sure how helpful a list it is in that regard.
From what I can tell many women like the sucking part just not the “big finish” results. That’s really beside the point I was trying to make, which was that in general sexual selfishness and the resulting dissatifaction should be considered an issue for both genders.
Though the entry starts out fair “Men and women really usually don’t know what the other wants for foreplay or sex.” It quickly goes into a list of how men fail so meet women’s expectations without any indication that women also are guilty of the same sort of shortcomings.
Hmm, okay, so what if the article had a title that made it more clear to begin with that the target audience is heterosexual women?
It’s pretty clear to me that this article is targeting not just a specific audience, but a specific problem within that audience. I’ve already elaborated more than you probably wanted me to below.
–Ember–
I was mostly just being flip because I really can’t relate to most of the problems described in this passage. Except for the bit about the nipples, which has never actually bothered me that much – I just squirm and push the boy’s tongue somewhere else. I think he keeps doing it not because he’s dense but because he enjoys making me squirm like that. And if it makes him happy I think it’s a reasonable tradeoff for me.
I think he keeps doing it not because he’s dense but because he enjoys making me squirm like that.
Heh. One of my guys makes it very clear that that’s why he does it. He is evil like that.
If women don’t want to suck down cum they shouldn’t be surprised that men don’t want to neck.
That phrasing isn’t much of a selling line for felatio, but I think it’s entirely beside the point.
This context isn’t making any presumptions at all about what the woman is or isn’t willing to do for the pleasure of the man. There is nothing here that says the woman isn’t willing to give him a blow job after a bit of necking.
This is only addressing what the man is trying to do to please the woman that isn’t working. He is doing his best to please her according to what would please him.
The point is not that either women or men are selfish (though I agree with you completely that selfishness is counterproductive). The point is that they are ignorant. Both of them.
The perspective seems to suggest that it is the man’s responsibility to know, understand and service their woman as she sees fit.
I don’t think so. I agree the perspective here is obviously that of the typical heterosexual female, including the dubious wish that her mind be read. But I think it’s pretty clear from the choice of order that the point isn’t that men should know, and that most women are right to expect this.
The point is being made towards those typical hetero females that this divide exists because of a lack of communication on her part.
The punchline declares pretty clearly that the women whose needs aren’t being met are, statistically speaking, the same women who expect their lover to know what their needs are without being told. Thus the point isn’t “Sisters, can we all agree that men are dumb?”, but “Sisters, can we explain what we want to our lovers?”
–Ember–
The punchline declares pretty clearly that the women whose needs aren’t being met are, statistically speaking, the same women who expect their lover to know what their needs are without being told. Thus the point isn’t “Sisters, can we all agree that men are dumb?”, but “Sisters, can we explain what we want to our lovers?”
That’s fair, though the punchline could also be taken to mean “…and those stupid men just don’t get it.” or “… and they should know better.” So yes, it does continue to point out a hetero stereotype. I’m just not so sure that its conclusion was clearly meant to be diplomatic. It smelled decidedly sexist to me.
In this case, I think the “sexism” has a great deal more to do with the audience targeting than with anything inherent in the perspective itself. Wait, that sounds kind of like a contradiction but let me explain.
If I’m writing an article that is meant to prove a point to a very generalized audience, I will make a point of using examples from a wide variety of cases. If I’m trying to make a point to a narrower audience, I will use only the examples that apply to that audience. That doesn’t mean other examples for other audiences don’t exist, it’s just that they don’t apply in this particular case.
But then that’s a serious problem with taking things out of context – as with the vague statistics here.
–Ember–
“Sisters, can we explain what we want to our lovers?”
Hear, hear. That is much my interpretation as well (as noted in my own comment).
a lack of communication on her part.
That’s not always true. There are men who get told, and told, in small words, gently and clearly, over and over, and still don’t believe, understand or accept that what they want to do, and the amount of time they wish to spend doing it, is not optimal towards their partner’s pleasure.
And there are those who refuse to change and who will more easily accept a decrease in the availability of that pleasure, rather than try something else.
just a little bitter
Sparrow
also…
When you do listen and you do try to get it right it can be difficult especially since sensativities and other circumstances change. Breasts become tender and more sensative on the cycle. The clitorus changes relative sensativity over the course of a single nights activity. Nipples require more “warm-up” time in the winter than in the summer or at night than during the day. Relative wetness versus dryness effects how much or how long intercourse should take, etc. etc. etc. The variables can make it challenging even for the astute male.
All of which is different from woman to woman and changes as they age… getting it right is no small feat.
Re: also…
All of which is different from woman to woman and changes as they age… getting it right is no small feat.
Very true, and especially true of me in particular, since I’m Hypersensitive. And just as true of men, for that matter, whose hormonal cycles have less obvious causes and connections than the menstral cycle provides.
Which is exactly why communication during sex is as important as communication about sex.
I once had a lover tell me to shut up while we were in bed. He’s not my lover anymore. I’m aware there are times that words aren’t what the mood calls for, but it’s pretty counterproductive to punish your lover for trying to find out what you want, or tell you what they need.
–Ember–
It would indeed be nice if a guy would remember that the things he does, while either entertaining for him or something he got used to with another lady, does not work at all for the current one. I could also go on about dudes who don’t do guaranteed partner-pleasers, for unknown reasons, but then that’s probably getting into specific territory.
Suffice it to say, yeah, there is often quite a bit of miscommunication between the sexes, and a corresponding amount of misunderstandings. Guys are stupid, girls are crazy, blahblahblahetcetcetc
Well, I guess it depends on the kinds of men (or woman) one associates intimately with. I highly doubt I have ever been with a guy who is thinking about sports scores during sex, but really, I don’t find sports fanatics all that sexy in the first place. As for the other stuff, well, sure, there are some tendencies for me to rush things, but, (to address the last “statistic”) as much as having a man who already knows all of that would save a lot of confusion, woman also need to take the time to show their lover what she wants, including how fast to proceed. If he is not capable of learning about her needs, they are both in for a disappointing experience all around.
oops..
typo that totally changes things above… should be:
there are some tendencies for men to rush things
I highly doubt I have ever been with a guy who is thinking about sports scores during sex
I am suddenly reminded of the “Crash Test Dummies” song Swimming in your Oceans:
“When I’m sampling from your bosom
Sometimes I suffer from distractions like
Why does God cause things like tornadoes and train wrecks?”
If they are thinking about sports scores or (insert seemingly unrelated topic) it’s because they’re trying not to think about the sex and blow it by coming in the first three minutes!
*grimace* #3 – Oh boy do I know the feeling. Except that he frequently skips the kissing, and uses ‘fore-play’ to wake me up when he wants attention.
*sigh*
Sparrow
I cannot help but see this as inherently sexist to some degree, particularly the last couple of lines. I may be unusual in this, but the people with whom I am involved do any of the “bad stuff” listed above, and we spend a lot of time communicating with our sweeties about what works for them. We like sex for all our sakes!
Now, I do enjoy feedback, but I think that’s a good thing. It doesn’t have to be verbal….
Oh, and I like cocksucking and cum-guzzling, for what it’s worth.
(Reading back over what I wrote…) I wonder what I’m really trying to say? Certainly not that I feel too inhibited
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote
I rarely think of sports scores ever…
Relatively recently I’ve discovered the joys in stating what I want, moment by moment. This may include “I want to know what you would like to do / done to you” or it might be “kiss the back of my neck…slowly.” I have more fun this way, and it seems like the guy I’m dirececting also enjoys it.
This is actually a result of being more directive and communicative throughout my life. I assert my needs while remaining open to the balance of assisting others with their needs. It’s very empowering to find it within you to say “no” when that’s what you mean – and just as empowering to ask for what you want when the answer is “yes.”