I haven’t posted much to LJ recently. I have lots of things in my head to post, just haven’t really had the motivation to get them into the computer.
Lately when people ask me how I am, I am at a bit of a loss for what answer to give them. Things are both really good and really bad. They average out to fine but there seems to be little that is in the middle. To mark this time, here is a list of some of the Good and the Bad in my life in no particular order. I know I am in a depression and it will end. I also know I am not completely in a depression. I can enjoy myself. Which is unusual for my depressions.
Good
Getting up and getting to work
Calling people once in awhile
Getting out of the house sometimes
Enjoying talking to people
Good job for me
Creative and have opportunities to be creative at work
Have a boss that wants to work on communication and will meet me half way
Co-workers that love what I do for the company
Have lunch provided
Making and going to doctor appointments, pretty much for preventative care
Making and going to Chiropractor appointments
Seeing my therapists regularly
Shopping
Saying no to Baycon
Saying yes and having things laid out for Loscon
Having food in my house
Actually eating rather regularly
Trying Monavie again
Friends that want my advice on relationships and appreciate the fact that I can see and explain different sides
Making birthday cards for co-workers who have Nov birthdays.
Having a birthday party thrown for Nov birthdays that I am included in
Handling this depression better than I have most of the time in the past
Doing nothing permanently damaging to my life, my lifestyle or to those around me
Being able to see what is going on and not be overwhelmed by it. Knowing it is only a matter of time.
Knowing I am a wonderful cool person no matter what happens
Doing my morning exercises every day (with a few exceptions). Now I don’t even need music to make them happen.
Bad
Lack of energy/motivation/interest
No laundry for months
Low to no interest in costuming/Halloween
Sleeping lots and little
Not calling people like I use to and refusing to set up events to see other people
Not hearing from friends
Crawling into bed when I get off work in the afternoon
Watching hours and hours of TV shows
Bum knee
Doing dishes only when I run out of all my silverware
Fighting to be willing to go to the grocery store
Now wanting to or be willing to make dinner
Not going swimming like I planned
Not going to the labyrinth like I planned
No spiritual growth
Fighting myself to go to my enneagram classes
Eyes being buggy and dizzys are back
No love life and wanting to run and hide from the possibilities
Unable to find the energy to follow up on some contacts I made at Worldcon that I was excited about
My place is a pigpen and I am horrified that I don’t have a problem with that
Not making it to a number of events that I have been invited to and planned on attending
Weekends remembered by what I didn’t go do instead of what I did
Weekends where I don’t leave the house, don’t even open the front door and never change out of my nightshirt (thank god for work during the week)
Dad is missing. He is traveling and busy for the next week or so and unavailable for chatting
Having to deal with my mother. I owe her an email to work on our relationship and while I constantly work on it in my head it doesn’t make it to the computer.
Not being in contact or have been dismissed from the lives of others with Nov birthdays that I was looking forward to sharing this time with
Having two important birthday parties on the same night (if things keep up there is a chance I will miss both of them)
Having close friends that I would like to see more need time for themselves and distant from me
Seeing some of my flaws and feeling devastated by them, having them grow until I feel I am a horrible person because of these flaws.
Curling into myself physically that it shows in my neck and jaw
Guess it really hasn’t changed much since July when I had another Good/Bad post.
Really dumb question (and an assumption, too) but what does your therapist have to say about all this?
It is all part of the process. We are in the middle of some things and we just keep working on those. My biological depression is a known thing and we know I will come out of it. I am just watching and observing as I go through it this time. All of the previous work I have done is probably why I can have positive stuff along with the negative stuff.
Ahh, okay, gotcha.
Party
If you don’t make an appearence at The Pit, I’m going to cram several of the celebrants into my car and bring the party to you.
Besides, I’ve been pondering how to make 20 mini Tardis cakes in my kitchen of no horizontal surface space in a 24 hour period.
Re: Party
this was nice to read. thanks
Knowing I am a wonderful cool person no matter what happens
yay!!! Glad you finally know this in your heart!!
Not hearing from friends
Sorry if I’m a part of that… it’s been a bit iffy lately in my world – but I still love ya!!
*hug*
Naw, your aren’t part of not hearing from friends. You and I aren’t in regular contact so it is normal for us to hear or not hear from each other. I have noticed a little your absence/reduction on LJ and figure you are dealing with your life rather than reporting on it.
What is Monavie?
I sometimes plan something around Laundry, like watching something I recorded or a dvd or reading something I’ve been meaning to. Sometimes that motivates me to do laundry.
Monavie is a super food thing that my dad is into right now and gave me two bottles of. I did one bottle during worldcon and had quite the comedown afterwards. I waited until life was a little more settled and am trying the other bottle now. It is suppose to provides you more energy and interest in life and be super good for you.
Good/Bad I’m the one with the gun
Sorry, it’s the only quote I could think of given the subject matter.
Actually, it’s not that much of a malapropos . . . the feeling/intent doesn’t matter as much as the action. That you have both good and bad in your life/head/heart is going to be a constant; how you react, what you *do* is how you will affect the world, and how you will shape your surroundings.
Wow, that was way more profound that I was planning to get.
Re: Good/Bad I’m the one with the gun
the quote made me laugh out loud, it cracked me up and that is a good thing.
Your profoundness is a good thing but not quite in line with what I was talking about. The Good and Bad aren’t what is going on in my life but what I can see in those two catae\gories. It is more a factor of perspective than reality. You are completely right that Good/Bad is constant. Right now I am finding I don’t have the motivation to take the actions I need to to shape my surroundings into what I want. That is the effect of the depression. In the past, when I was depressed, there was only Bad. This time around, I can perceive and appreciate some Good and that is rather amazing in a way.
A note to you noticing your profoundness…I find when this happens to me, it is because I am writing/saying something that I need to listen to, either at the time or sometime in the future. Or it can be a truth that resonates with me. You gave me something but it might also be for you.
You are a wonderful cool person! I have thought of you, just not let you know that I have as I was going through my own crap. I’m not in a place where I could say anything witty to make you feel better. But just know that I have not forgotten you, okay? And I’m glad to hear that you are able to see some of the ‘good’ during your ‘blues’.