I am having issues with how to answer the “How are you?” question again.
Things are both good and bad.
The Bad:
My money is running out and I haven’t worked all this week. Looking for a job is not any easier and I am sleeping most of the day. People seem hard to get a hold of when I finally hit the point where I need to reach out. I will call and won’t hear from anyone for a couple of days. Which is endless to me. Last Friday night to Sunday afternoon, I spoke to absolutely no one except one wrong phone call Sunday morning. I didn’t leave the apartment. I have just about cleared off my Tivo. Welcome to depression. Not having work this week (the job I had lined up was canceled and I found out accidentally on Friday). I was going to have some work Thursday and Friday (today and tomorrow) but the client decided that they didn’t want me, they would prefer someone else. The client has so annoyed my agency that the agency isn’t calling them back either, so that makes me feel a little good about it. I am happy not to have to put up with the clients garbage but it would have given me something to do these two days. I can’t bring myself to doing the things that I “should” do like all my dishes or put away my laundry or wash the car, or any number of other things that this time would be great for. Health ain’t going to great and I have a dr appt next week to find out how not great. Could be nothing. Or not. I am betting on nothing like every other health issue I have.
The good:
I am growing inside. I have been told that I am much more in touch with who I really am and can be than I was even three months ago. I have an idea of what type of work I would like to do and ideas on how to figure out how to translate that to a job. I am willing to take things in small steps which is different for me. I am willing to observe myself and not be judgmental, which is another rare thing for me. I have been getting so much data about it seem like everything the last couple of months that I have reach a point of “enough” and have watch myself put up defenses so I can take a break and process it. I think I have a clue why some friends get afraid of me and disconnect. And why some people matter to me and it is so hard to let go when they don’t seem to care the way I do. These are all good things.
I had a job last week that will be a couple of days next week as well that pays really really well (almost twice what the job that didn’t want me pays) that allows me to stretch to my limits in Photoshop, InDesign, Illustrator, and Acrobat. These are areas that I can do work in but have very little experience and I am loving it. I am good at these thing and I like being able to help others with these skills. I am taking design work this company had done by other contractors and setting them up with production documents and styles guides so they can move forward on their own without needing outside help. This is what I do very well. I have a possibility for a job doing more InDesign and PowerPoint for a Civil Engineering and Construction company in Walnut Creek that I hope goes through. I have been wanting to work with Construction companies and I get along great with Engineers. I am sort of one myself.
I have three pages of work up on my portfolio site. I am not linking here because I don’t want there to be a connection between this online id and my real/full name. Just put my first, middle and last name together with www. and .com and you have it. I am pretty proud of the site and of the work I have done on it. It is in no way close to being done. I still want to put up other pages of portfolio work and my resume and contact info. It has taken me about six months or longer to get it this far but it is this far and it looks good.
I have washed some of my dishes, my clothes are mostly clean, I have eaten, I am well stocked on groceries, my bills are paid, I did go swimming once this week, I have gotten out of the house, I have socialized, I have called people. These are all good things.
I am working Worldcon. I have two official jobs and I am thinking of showing up early to help with set up, help out with tech sometimes and I am thinking of maybe going into programming to gain experience that will be useful for my job idea.
In some areas, things are really looking up and fabulous. In other ways, things are really dark and heavy. I don’t have a lot of mid ground right now. I want to say things are good but then that doesn’t allow me room to ask for help because no one understands how dark it really is. I want to say things are bad but then I am focusing on how low things are and diminishing the good going on and blocking more good from coming in.
I am just babbling here. Not really looking for anything from anyone and kind of dreading what will show up or not.
But this is an honest view of how I see things at this time, this week, this point in my life. It may be a turning point, it may not. It is just is.
My answer to the dreaded “How are you” question: Vertical.
Hello, Sister. Reading this, I found so very much of it felt like it could have been written by/about me. Soul-wise, it seems we are very much at the same point in our lives. I guess that’s both a blessing and a curse as it is nice to know I’m not alone here but I wouldn’t wish this on *anyone*. Don’t ya just *hate* “learning experiences?” *sigh* {VWG}
My answer, frequently, “Do you want an honest answer or the polite one?” or, “Alive.” or, sometimes, just “Still here.”
(((((hugs)))))
And, I know it’s long-distance but, if you want, you can always call me. I may not always be available but I will call back asap and, if you don’t call, you just don’t know. If you don’t have my cell number, e me at krbauer13 at yahoo dot com and I’ll be happy to give it to you.
Looking forward to seeing you again at Worldcon! :>
The hard part about the answer is that it is both bad and good. And two very different feelings and emotions that can’t really co-exist together. And by expressing one, it feels like I am invalidating the other and not giving an honest picture when I am trying my best to be honest. That is the tough part.
One of the points of sharing like this is when it rings a bell for others. They know they are not alone in what they are going through. I can understand the hard part of your life right now. It is good to hear there is good in it too if it is running like mine.
And THANK YOU for saying you are there for a call and admitting you may not always be available. So many people say call me, I am there for you and then when you do, they aren’t. I know it is irrational to expect them to be there 100% of the time but it really is hard when you get up the nerve to call and are denied. It makes it harder to call the next time. Admitting that you can’t always be there when you make the offer helps set realistic expectations for someone who isn’t necessarily working on a real rational level. I appreciate that.
I hope your stuff leans more towards good than the bad. Same for mine.
I don’t believe we have one another’s phone numbers, but I’d not wait days to return your call. I’m glad that you opted to do a paragraph on your depression, and then moved on to several paragraphs of how good life really is. I’d be happy to go walking with you (that’s one way I keep myself in check when I”m down.)
Hugs.
I’ll keep it simple…
Great stuff, all the good. Hugs for the bad, and best wishes. I have confidence in you as a person, just keep going each day as best you can.
I did good today.
I got up. I ate. I talked with a friend on the phone for a couple of hours (she has homework and couldn’t come out and play). I had a nice long shower and took care of myself (even did up my hair). Made more food. And then watched 3 hrs of TV instead of going to a labyrinth thing or shopping like I had been planning. Now it is too late.
But it was still more than it could have been. I might be getting tired enough of this whole depression thing to overcome whatever is going on inside my head that is keeping me here. Or I might just distract myself with a job on Monday. Weeeee.
I hope the Walnut Creek opportunity comes through, so that maybe we can have lunch sometime!
I didn’t even have a clue you were working out Walnut Creek way. Where abouts?
I am on North California and Mt. Diablo. It’s been over two years now, come to think of it. Goodness.