Ren_wench got married yesterday. It was a wonderful and beautiful event. Weddings can be so full of openness and emotion and joy and love if done right and this one was done more than right.

This is not a new beginning for these two. They have been together for 12 years, living together for 10 of those. I don’t remember how many years ago, they had a mock wedding at a con with all their friends.

The way I look at the event is as pausing for a time to take stock and express the things that are already there, share them with others. To hold the things that mean so much in a relationship out and treasure them all at once, instead of them being blended into the normal everyday activities and sometimes overlooked. It was wonderful and I am so pleased to have been included and able to witness it. I cried like a baby in a number of places because the emotion was so evident and the bride and groom were so open. There was so sign of defenses, of protection, just of openness and acceptance. Would that we could afford to live like that all the time.

Many people toasted the couple and said how much they were alike. I didn’t see that. I see them as two very different people that have blended somewhat but more than that, they fit together and support each other. They are well balanced and allow the other to be who they are. This is so very good in a relationship.

Putting my own spin on this, this wedding reminds me of a funeral. When people remember and talk about the person that has died. As an attendee, you get to see sides you didn’t have the chance to experience. This wedding was a pause in a relationship and a chance for people to remember and share what their experiences of the bride and groom and as an attendee you get to see sides you haven’t had the chance to experience. Yet. I really like this model. I would like to see it done for anniversaries. To pause and take stock of the important things. This is what I wanted my wake to be. A pause in my life to reflect on the things that have lead up to this point and treasure them. And doing it as a pause instead of at the ending allows those treasured things to be shared and experienced by others instead of morned as something they can never experience. Just so that people don’t getting wiggy on me, the wedding is full of joy and is future focused where as a funeral is full of sorrow and is past focused. In this way, the two are very different. Maybe that is why we have white for one and black for the other.

I was very impressed with the decorations. The colors were sage green and purple. The flowers were incredible as they should be when Jane, flower arranger extraordinaire does them. The outfits were perfect. Formal, fitting for a wedding and very much in tune with the person wearing them. I was a tad disappointed that it was more of a “normal” regular wedding and not a fannish wedding until the actual experience. Making it a fannish wedding would have moved away from what was really there.

The ceremony was lovely. The grooms sister officiated and I loved how she handled it. I told her if I were ever to get married, I think I would want her to officiate. There was talk of the two of being time travelers and meeting up on this plane at this time and selling off the extra time machine on ebay. That is so perfect for these two. The vows they wrote for each other were full of true emotion and knowledge of what was important to each of them in their everyday life. This was a ceremony tailor fitted for these two and I really appreciate that approach.

The “light” meal afterwards was delightful. I had thirds and the plate was pretty full each time, this is a testament at how good it was.

The day was lovely for most people. It was too hot for me. I was able to be around for the first part, doing the thing that I do. I show up at an event with no duties or stress and fill in gaps of things that need to be done to lower the stress on those that have been working so hard at it. I am grateful that I can do that (it makes me feel so good) and grateful that people can allow me to do it and appreciate it. Those that know me and trust me are the ones that accept it the most easiest. I think Jane was a bit surprised how easy it was for me to assist her in tying the flowers to chairs and umbrellas.

After the ceremony, I was gone. I was functional but the heat made my unique personality go away. Bless my friends for taking care of me, bringing me water and such, and bless my willingness to let them. Sometime between my second helping and thirds, my personality showed up again. I noticed that I was actually saying things that only I would say. I don’t know if it was the food getting me to a point where I could deal with the heat or if the temp dropped, or how much of both, but it was nice to be there again instead of just tolerating and coasting until it was time to go home. I keep learning more about how I react to things all the time.

After things were over, there was sitting around and chatting. I got to run the enneagram cards on a co-worker of ren_wench and Jane’s boyfriend. I sat that giving out more information on a system of understanding the inner workings of people. This seems to be a roll I have, to expose people to things that will help them understand who they are and who others are. Part of my roll to expose reality to people I think.

Around 7-ish I think, I was all worn out and decided it was time to go home. It was an eventful day and one I am pleased to have ditched any other possibilities for. It matters to much to me to have been able to be a part of it. Ren_wench and I have known each other for most of those 12 years and we are entering a new phase of our relationship. One with a lot of meaning. It scares me because we have hurt each other in the past but it is something I think is worth risking.

I cry off and on as I write this out. I know the intensity of the feelings will fade as time moves forward but I think the knowledge of the intensity and the value I have placed on feeling these feelings will remain and will be useful in motivating me to be willing to be open to things like this again. This is where I am wanting to live my life right now. This is what seems to make actually living worth while even if it hurts again and again. I need to protect myself from the hurt and pain and I am trying to learn how to do that without cutting myself off from everything else. In the past, these intense feelings of basically joy, love and caring would have hurt too much to risk. I am glad I can survive them these days and even see out the experience. This is real growth for me.

(I couldn’t decide if I should cut-tag this or not so I left it as is.)