I had a dream night before last. I was at a con, arriving at the last minute, I wasn’t even sure I was going to go to this con (it had a feeling of a San Diego Comic Con but different.) Friends of mine were expecting me if I decided to show up. Many people (most everyone) was in costume and there was a number of booths on the way to reg to rent a costume. The place was packed. I didn’t have much with me so I rented a costume. But things kept moving so fast, I wasn’t able to put it on and pieces kept getting put down and confused with other pieces and messed up and lost. I wasn’t even sure what costume pieces I needed to return when the con was over. After much running around and stress, I caught up with my friends and they took me to the hotel room which was in another building. I parked where I could, on top of a pyramid of asphalt slabs, past a bike rack (yes, it was tricky getting up there but it was out of the way and I wasn’t being crowded). As we were trying to get a variety of things out of the car, I was told I couldn’t park there and I had to move the car down the very sloped back of this stack of slabs. I woke up stressed, confused and feeling like I couldn’t keep a grip on anything. (this is really the bare bones of the dream. A friend says he will no longer believe that I don’t do drugs when I have told him the details of some of my dreams. They can get pretty whacked out as dreams can do.)

Imagine, renting a costume and having no idea what it is suppose to look like because you never got a chance to go through all the pieces before they got mixed up and lost (in so many different ways). And this isn’t even your stuff, you are responsible for it and you find it taken out of your hands by people that have no real interest in it, it is just in their way and so it is moved.

This dream was the night before a debriefing meeting for Baycon about the issues that went blewie at con. I think Baycon has really gotten to me. I am still injured (I haven’t written that one up but my knee is still messed up and I probably need to make another dr appt). I wrote out all the info I would want given to me if I were to do this next year and burned a copy to CD for a pass down. I want to let go of this stuff and move on.

One of the reasons I think I did an awesome job was because I did things I didn’t think I would be able to pull off. I am very impressed I made it out of con able to stand up. I got a lot accomplished and took my self to the edge (and I would have assumed over but I kept on going) many times. I didn’t actually melt down. In the past, I would have been dead and needing people to carry me. I did take care of myself after con. This year, the day after con, what time I didn’t spend with the chiropractor or in the emergency room, I spend sleeping. I played dead last weekend, sleeping for most of it and throwing my sleep schedule off completely. But for the most part, I feel fine. Until I get a little stressed and then it seems like everything unravels.

We had a relatively benign meeting last night that ran a little late. I got home a little after midnight. I ate plenty before the meeting, I ate towards the end of the meeting and still I was shaking by the time it was all over. I was dead tired but I couldn’t sleep. I know I saw at least 1:30am. The meeting wasn’t stressful. It was mostly a swapping of information to avoid having the same problems happening again and new ones from cropping up. But it was taxing and two weeks after con, I still have no reserves. I am use to this the few days after con. But after being really nice to myself and taking care of myself and feeling mostly fine, it is a tad worrisome to find out how low my reserves are. I am not handling the heat well and it isn’t really that hot yet (low 70′s maybe). I get to the snapping point so quickly. Things tire me out very fast. I have had to go back to just existing to get through the day. I have been noticing I have been playing the sugar game (where I eat sugar at home because I need to mellow out like an alcoholic has a drink when they get home). I haven’t felt like I needed the sugar but I find myself doing it anyway.

I have some interpersonal issues that need to be addressed that could have been things that would help me pull through but are not really adding anything to the equation. They are just one more thing to handle in life. They aren’t really dragging me down, but they are not offering the boost they had potential to do.

I am tired, emotionally, physically, mentally. But I feel fine so I am doing things as normal. It seems like I am just not catching up on filling the reserves for those stressful moments in daily life.

Yet another thing I have learned about myself because of this con. It was an incredible growth opportunity. I am glad I did it. I am glad it is over. I don’t know if I will do it again. If I was smart, I would avoid it at all costs. But smart is not always the way to go. Time will tell.