This is another one of those sensitive posts that I am surprised I am putting on the internet. It is personal introspection that other people may not agree with or understand. So that is why it is behind the cut tag.
I am slightly unlike the “norm” about my feelings about various forms of immortality. I don’t want any immortality. I don’t want to live forever, or even a long time. I don’t want children running around with my genes. I don’t want monuments to my life. I don’t really care to make a lasting impression in the world. It is important to me that I matter and people remember me when I am alive, but as far as I am concerned, if they forgot my existence after I die, that would suit me just fine. (What people want of me after I am gone is their issue, it is just that I don’t care for myself). I want nothing left of me after I am gone.
As for my body, for as long as I can remember, I have wanted my body mulched and used as fertilizer after I die. I wanted to be used on Mars but that isn’t going to happen so some nice flowerbed would be nice. I know it isn’t legal and probably dangerous considering the organisms living in human flesh but this is what I want, not what I will get.
Thinking about this recently, I realized that something doesn’t make sense. I don’t want anything lasting but I want to be useful?
I don’t want any part of my body left, I want it destroyed. I am not an organ donor because, while I may feel sorry for someone that could use a part of me, I don’t want a part of me left as a whole. I think I am worried about still being attached to it somehow. I don’t want my body donated to science for medical practice or research or as something interesting in a jar. I don’t have a problem with those things, I just want my body destroyed.
But then why not want to be cremated? That destroys the body and then some. It would ensure that there is basically nothing useful left behind. But that just seems wasteful to me. I would like my body to be put to some use but I do want to be destroyed. Both of those can be taken care of by mulching my body and using it for fertilizer. So leaving parts of me whole to use for organ donating, that goes against strong feelings of mine but my molecules being left whole, that isn’t a problem. So if I am taken down to the molecular level, if there is no part of me left whole, then I am no longer. I never rationalized this out before and it is nice to know where these things come from.
The next step that came out of this thought train is life after death. I hate that idea. Strongly. Adamantly. It is one of the main reasons I fell out with Christianity. I am already tired of life (and this was at age 12), the thought of eternity after this life was Hell, no matter what it was fill with. I tried to make a deal with God that I would do whatever he wanted in this life if I could be promised to cease to exist when I died. After Christianity couldn’t stand up to my scientific bent of mind after I discovered and devoured science fiction, I was cut off from all forms of spirituality. Not going there, nope, nuh uh. I figured that the concept of life after death was something created to make people feel better. Those that are afraid to die and those that have been left behind by loved ones.
About three years ago, the concept of spirituality reentered my life. I find value in it. I have my own form that I am working on. Very Syncretistic. I am needing to deal with the concept of life after death again. It is something I have been setting aside and not looking at until I could deal with it.
By going through the realization that complete annihilation of my physical self could still be satisfied by using me as fertilizer and my body could still provide something useful, I became aware that there were possibilities I could face for this after-death issue. I want complete annihilation when I die. I don’t want to exist in any form. I want to be done and gone. Not reused, returned, or everlasting but Removed. It is another one of those Feel Strongly things. But if my identity is ended and the bits that make up whatever you want to call the soul/life force/ spirit/ connection to the big kahuna are broken down and returned as if they were never used for something, that would be ok. This breaking down of the bits fit the concept of life after death in a lot if the traditions I am finding. I just want the me that I understand is me and all parts of “me” to be over. The spiritual atoms that made up the identity of me can be broken out and put back in the hopper to make others. I don’t think I have a problem with that.
Hmmm, maybe the point to life isn’t to teach you lessons and have you repeat until you get them right. Maybe our lives are like refineries. Our soul bits get processed through each life time and get put into higher quality hoppers when we learn the lessons our lives have to teach us. That is it, I am a refinery for soul bits. My goal is to learn my lesson and return shiny soul bits instead of dirty ones. Maybe the reason I am so tired at the beginning of life is because the soul bits I received didn’t get fully disassembled from the last round. Like building a car with all new parts from melted down old parts and one part that came from an old car. There are stress fractures in the old piece that showed up after initial inspection. (yeah this bit is a little silly but I am allowed. I am a silly person).
Very thoughtful.
What a fascinating approach! So very different from the usual things I hear from people about their conceptuatlizations of life and death. I like the idea of beling a soul-bit refinery
Something to consider: your body can be used as fertilizer after cremation; my grandmother’s body is currently feeding an oak tree.
It almost sounds like you would be a good seeker of Nirvana – once you got there you get total annihiliation of self as it rejoins the cosmos, according to some teachings.
Just musing…. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Light and laughter,
SongCoyote
Yup – after cremation they don’t keep track of what happens to your ashes. So find someone you trust and have them carry out your (ahem) will.
It is my understanding that the nutrients are baked out during cremation. That all that would be left for ashes to do would be the same role as sterialized dirt, a neutral base to mix other things in. I suppose I could research it.
I feel strongly about wanting my body to keep spinning on the wheel. I want to rot! I want to nourish other life.
I read about your journey and smile and the way you have come and the strength you have for your changes.
You can nourish other life without rotting… Just have a loved-one/co-conspirator take the ashes and make ‘you brownies’ and bring them to the wake.
I’ll be quiet now…
Eewwww,
How delightfully Kevin of you. While it is a nasty visual, I appreciate it. You have a way with that.
Thank you.
I look at the changed I have gone through, the challenges that I am willing to face, the strength I have for these things and I am amazed. I don’t feel others see these things. It is nice to have confirmation from outside. It supports what I feel inside. Thanks.
Or…
Have your ashes be put into an exfoliating scrub and sent to your ten favorite stars. This is a wish of a friend of mine; I’m trying to pin her down on what scent, still thinking ginger.
But yeah, write up your wishes. It would be best if you were cremated, not mulched; then I’d be happy to apply you whereever you wanted to be. Of course, that assumes a hearsedriver will predecease an obese motorcyclist… But I’m sure you could find someone to carry out your wishes.
And you’re not as far out as you may think in your ideas. Not “standard american”, but not even on the “difficult thoughts” scale.
Re: Or…
I realize I am not all that different, that many people think the way I do, but still it isn’t the “norm.” It isn’t the way that is automatically filled in when there is a lack of knowledge.
And since I like to hang out with My Type of People(TM), there is a tendency to have people around me that think along the same lines I do in a number of areas.
Sometimes I feel I need to warn people that something not in the “norm” is coming so they approach it with an open mind and I don’t have to waste time defending my ideas because they hit a kneejerk reaction. And thought on death and life after death are kneejerk reaction prone.
Living Will
I can not stress this enough, if you have specific wants and needs for your remains make a living will so there is no question when the time comes. Nice as it is, LJ is not a legal document.
This may be what you are looking for http://blogcritics.org/archives/2004/05/26/145906.php
http://www.promessa.se/index_en.asp
Hmmm… I didn’t know we had this in common.
I’ve always wanted to be cremated and *then* used as mulch to make the cabbages (or broccoli or lettuce or peas and beans and such) grow. (Not, mind you, carrots and such as *me* bits on the edible parts seems at least as *ewww* as the brownies idea! ;P )
While I don’t think I’m as far along the path as you are (ready to go back to the cosmic *all* or back to the spirit hopper as component bits with no *you* bit of you left), my version of “heaven” is lots and lots closer to nirvana than clouds, wrought iron, golden thrones, etc.
One other thing: Many (many, many, many …) years ago when I’d hit a seriously suicidal patch, a friend made a comment that stopped me in my tracks and which I have replayed in my head since then whenever I’ve been seriously gloomed. She pointed out to me that, since I do believe in reincarnation, perhaps my whole purpose this time around, the sole lesson I *had* to learn, was to stay on the ride to the end – no chicken exits. Well, I thought about it and decided that, if cutting out early would mean that I would have to do *everything* over again (and again, and again, and again) until I made it all the way through, there was NO WAY IN H*LL I was going to have to do this again. So, when the worst days occur, I hang on to that and am determined to ride this one all the way through to the end so that, maybe, next time (if there is a next time…after all, this is faith, not fact) I get to do something new, different, fun, and, maybe, not hurty.
Well, hell. A girl can dream, right?
Anyhoo, yours was a very interesting and thoughtful read. Thank you for sharing.
(((hugs)))