Most of my life, I have felt like I was on the edge of things. Sometimes belonging, sometimes being an outcast. A lot of my childhood was spent being an outcast. Belonging is very very important to me. I long for it and have a tendency to dive in too quickly when offered it.

But I have noticed something. A lot of my choices result in me being the odd one out. I have very definite likes and dislikes and the personal integrity to stand by them even when the rest of the group wants to do something else. I choose to not be a part of the group rather than do something I don’t want to do. Sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes it means I am a pain-in-the-ass when it comes time to plan things with my friends. There is an awful lot of things I am flexible on, I can find many options to resolve some differences if given a chance, but I do know what I like and what I don’t.

At a very intense time, I had someone who told me that I would never be alone again, she would always be there for me. It was wonderful to hear at the time. I really held on to it. Then I started to learn what it entailed. I thought it would mean that we would have each other in our lives and if I reached out, sooner or later, she would be there. What it seems like it really meant was that if I showed up or contacted her and if she wasn’t busy with something else, then I was welcome. I would always have to go to her and I would have to do it over and over until she wasn’t busy. I believe I have many people that would welcome me if I reached out or showed up. That isn’t what I wanted or needed. I am sure if it was an emergency, she would drop a lot for me, but I don’t want to live my life in emergency mode to feel connected. I would rather be alone. That is when I figured out the value of being alone.

I can stand on my own feet. Having others in my life is my choice, not a requirement. I do still need people. I used to really resent that fact. But it doesn’t have to be particular people. Also it is everything in moderation.

One of the reasons I was such an outcast as a child was because I was surrounded by “normal” people otherwise called mundanes. It wasn’t until I found fandom that I felt like I had friends (yes, I know I had them before that, I just didn’t feel like I did. I was ready for them to disappear at any moment.) These fan-folk are what I call “my type of people.” I don’t care to be around others that aren’t my type of people. I don’t like the things mundanes like very much. Mundanes have a tendency to have trouble with who I am and the way I act. My type of people include those that go to cons, work ren faire, costume, are geeks, pagen, dance, etc. Pretty much every person that reads my LJ is one of my type of people. Recently I realized that it wasn’t because these people were like me that I consider them my type of people. It is because we are all so different that they can appreciate and accept and enjoy the differences I have. I am different from all of them but I have a niche within the group that I fit. I just wish the niche didn’t feel like it comes and goes.

This article is about nerds and popular people in high school. One thing it states is that nerds are not socially unskilled because they can’t be, they are socially awkward because they just see no worth in spending their time learning and playing the games you have to to be popular.

I would really like to belong. It is still a deep craving inside me. But I realize I am not willing to pay the price to always follow the crowd. I just don’t have it in me.