Feeling lonely.
With the big move, my work place went from an open bull pen of 12 people to cubes. There wasn’t room for my team with the rest so we are off on our own. I am isolated from everyone else except my boss. We have this little window between us and he has asked me not to disturb him unless I need to. The only person at work I have easy access to doesn’t want me distracting him. My best friend at work who I go over and bug is off today. Because I had Monday off, we only got to see each other two days this week. She isn’t here for me to go bug. Because of the upcoming holiday, we will see even less of each other. The others in my group are beginning to feel like strangers to me. Unless I have an excuse to go talk with them, I don’t want to. More mindless small talk type of stuff. I have work to do but it is long and involved and IT is messing with my computer and that has meant I needed to be able to quit everything and reboot a number of times today. I don’t want to be in the middle of stuff when that happens.
There are people I could reach out to, people that wouldn’t mind talking with me, people that might even want to talk with me, but my enthusiasm has taken a nose dive. Trying to come up with something to talk about, trying to actually be interested in what other people are saying, trying to figure out something to entertain them is not worth the energy right now.
This isn’t a cry for attention or help. This isn’t a “please talk with me.” It is more of a State of The Gina notice. I honestly can’t think of what would help so I am asking for nothing. Anything I can think of feels like it would just annoy me.
Just practicing that Admit-to-things thing.
Note: Please, don’t bother leaving just *hugs* While it would probably bother me if there were no comments, I can guarantee *hugs* comments will drive me nuts. If you can’t be more creative than that, don’t bother.
*kicks The Gina in the butt*
You know if you wallow, it’ll only get worse. You’re good at planning. So plan on social time. Get off your duff, and get cracking.
You know that people HATE being in cubes. Organize a 5 minute walk around the block with the ppl YOU KNOW WANT to get out and socialize. It’s bad for you to continually sit at the computer anyways. It’s recommended that you get up every 20-30 minutes or so. Plus, people will be MORE than happy to get away from the office, even if it’s just a walk around the block. HECK, you won’t even HAVE to talk. Just enjoy each other’s company.
Barring that, you could just slowly go insane in your cube, but I don’t recommend it. I’d much rather have happy Gina than insane Gina….
Oh, wait…insanity is relative isn’t it?
Well, ya know that I love you dearly, and I’m trying to be constructive. Take it as you will…or you can tell me to take a flying leap.
Re: *kicks The Gina in the butt*
Dear lady, I realize you mean well but kicking me when I am down does not help. Kicking me when I have some energy might actually produce results.
Digging up the energy to rebutt you: people don’t Hate to be in cubes. The people I have discussed this with are envious of my spacious oasis away from other people. I am considered an oddball (in a group of some rather strange people so that is saying something) for wanting to sit in a bull pen. It is rather ironic that they are stuck in an open plan where I am in a corner. I have also left my computer. Today, I have been kicked off it a couple of times because of IT issues. I had a friend meet me for lunch. I am in the middle of making plans for Friday night with people and orgai\nizing weekend plans. I tried going over to talk to the other half of our group. Yesterday we had a big Meet and Greet with the rest of our department and I was so proud that I could do the small talk thing for an hour. It made it very clear that I don’t want to talk with those people again unless I have a real reason to. I have already done what you are suggesting and that is why I know the seriousness of the state I am in and not something else.
And there is a certain amount of wallowing needed sometimes. You can’t be happy all the time. As long as it doesn’t go on to long. I was marking a spot so that I had a reference point. I am trying new things around this. Admiting things publicly isn’t going to work if I am going to have to defend myself. If I had been going on like this for weeks then a kick in the butt might be useful but considering that I was flying high in a post just two days earlier, not is not the time for that kick.
There is probably a good reason for what I am going through. Time will tell.
Re: *kicks The Gina in the butt*
Sorry about that. I wasn’t sure if you had any energy or not, and I didn’t mean for you to defend yourself. Normally, I just need a good swift kick when things are down to get myself going. However, you and I are two totally different people, and sometimes I have to remember that other people’s circuits are not wired like mine.
Insofar as the cube thing…I hate being isolated. Of course, I hate it when I’m around others for too long in a bull pen situation. I like my privacy, but hate being isolated. Go figure. Catch-22 for me.
I think these “cubes” were specifically designed to keep folks from doing the social aspect thing. Plus, unlike friends, work is like family…you can’t exactly choose who you’re working with (unless you’re a manager). Consequently, you can be in a room full of people at work, and just be “alone”. Heck, I feel the same way at this company. I only have a few things in common with a select few here. Everyone else is so damn serious. Consequently, I can’t say anyone here is a friend or even an acquaintence. They are…coworkers…*sigh* unlike my previous jobs where at least I could find some common ground.
But, I think that’s probably one of the differences between the two of us: you’re more of a social butterfly than me, I think. (Or at least that’s how I perceive you. You kinda need that interaction or connection with people).
I, on the other hand, can be surly and just hole myself up.
Anyways, take care of yourself. My previous post wasn’t meant to negate what you were feeling or make you feel that you need to defend yourself. Your feelings are quite valid, and you’re right, there is time when you need to wallow.
I guess I haven’t quite learned how to deal with all the aspects of The Gina just quite yet.
Re: *kicks The Gina in the butt*
No worries. I think the way you deal with things is to push until you get a push back. Then you know where to stop. I grew up with my Dad and am use to this. I can recognize it, know what your intent is and say, “Not now.” You needed to know that that my reaction was to defend so that you could recalibrate. It is a learning process. I took no offense and I hope you didn’t either. I appreciate that you care enough to try.
About the social butterfly bit, I am unsure about this. I have my times of hiding out but I also need people. I need the distraction and to get out of myself. I hate needing people but am slowly coming to terms with it.
Re: *kicks The Gina in the butt*
No offense was taken. I hope that things clear up soon.
Bein’ silly:
The King’s Breakfast
The King asked
The Queen, and
The Queen asked
The Dairymaid:
“Could we have some butter for
The Royal slice of bread?”
The Queen asked the Dairymaid,
The Dairymaid
Said, “Certainly,
I’ll go and tell the cow
Now
Before she goes to bed.”
The Dairymaid
She curtsied,
And went and told the Alderney:
“Don’t forget the butter for
The Royal slice of bread.”
The Alderney said sleepily:
“You’d better tell
His Majesty
That many people nowadays
Like marmalade
Instead.”
The Dairymaid
Said “Fancy!”
And went to
Her Majesty.
She curtsied to the Queen, and
She turned a little red:
“Excuse me,
Your Majesty,
For taking of
The liberty,
But marmalade is tasty, if
It’s very
Thickly
Spread.”
The Queen said
“Oh!”
And went to his Majesty:
“Talking of the butter for
The royal slice of bread,
Many people
Think that
Marmalade
Is nicer.
Would you like to try a little
Marmalade
Instead?”
The King said,
“Bother!”
And then he said,
“Oh, deary me!”
The King sobbed, “Oh, deary me!”
And went back to bed.
“Nobody,”
He whimpered,
“Could call me
A fussy man;
I only want
A little bit
Of butter for
My bread!”
The Queen said,
“There, there!”
And went to
The Dairymaid.
The Dairymaid
Said, “There, there!”
And went to the shed.
The cow said,
“There, there!
I didn’t really
Mean it;
Here’s milk for his porringer
And butter for his bread.”
The queen took the butter
And brought it to
His Majesty.
The King said
“Butter, eh?”
And bounced out of bed.
“Nobody,” he said,
As he kissed her
Tenderly,
“Nobody,” he said,
As he slid down
The banisters,
“Nobody,
My darling,
Could call me
A fussy man -
BUT
I do like a little bit of butter to my bread!”
– A. A. Milne
Background gloom
We are entering the part of the year were the nights are long and the days are short. There are physiological effects that have been proven to affect peoples mood. Maybe some of this discontentment and “let down: you’ve experienced lately might be at least partially attributable to subtler causes.
Point being, your feelings are real, but also remember to be aware that not everything we feel is neccessarily a sign that something is wrong. And remember to take care of yourself when you feel blue.
Re: Background gloom
I am sure the dark has something to do with it. But I think a much larger part is the reaction to a lot of Woo I went through last weekend. Probably the equal and opposite reaction law of conservation. I went way far out this way, and now I am out far the other way. Equilibrium will show up again. I just hope I don’t get caught on something on the way back.
Interesting thing about this time of year, in my pattern before anti-depressants, this is when I would come out of a depression. The dark was my friend. I can’t take the twilight. While I love Spring and Fall, that is when the biological depressions would hit. I have been tickled pink with all the fog and overcast. One good thing about being on the 34th floor is that we can still be in the clouds when the streets are clear.
I am very aware that my feelings are real. And I am very aware that their might be something behind them or not. And I need to take care of how I feel no matter what is behind it.
When I joined my lab, I felt totally isolated. I was working alone on a project. My office had other people in it, but they were working on a different project and didn’t really have time for me, and they’re not people I’d be friends with if I didn’t work with them. At some point, though, the group got a little bit bigger and more social and we started taking coffee breaks together once or twice a week. That 10-15 minutes of walking across the street and grabbing coffee really changed things a lot, even though no one planned it or anything.
The funny side effect is that we never use our coffeemaker in lab anymore because we don’t want to lose the excuse to go outside for a few minutes.
I’m glad I’m not in cubes anymore.
I remember when I worked at LBL. I kept asking others in my group for assistance because I hate working alone all the time. I was made to feel stupid that I couldn’t do anything with out help. (They were being lazy and didn’t want to work on anything more than they had to). I loved the work but was glad when we got our budget cut and they had to lay me off. Our group never would have gotten bigger.
I am glad you found a way to make it work.
Not sure if this helps, but…
Two companies ago I was working in an office by myself most days. It was an office for about 50 people and I was very literally alone. One thing I did was to go out for lunch every day – even if I brought my lunch, even if it was raining. I would get out and see people and it helped a bit with my feeling of isolation. Of course, the days when I could meet you and Crystal for lunch were the best.
At another company where we working in very high-walled cubes, no windows at all, I felt isolated and ended up behaving very badly to compensate (arrived late, left early, read instead worked, etc…), but I also went for walks which helped put me in a better mood.
I think some of it (in both cases) was just seeing some sunshine – it’s not directly related to the loneliness, but it was a mood lifter nonetheless.
Re: Not sure if this helps, but…
Yeah, this is just one of those days that things just aren’t working. I think what it is is that I have other reasons to pull back and this feeling of loneliness stuck at work is one of the consequenses.
I have loads of daylight, big honking windows, great view over the bay that I see each time I get up. I go out to lunch pretty much each day, usually with somebody. I love working in a large company because at least I am surrounded by people. Once I had a job where I was *shiver* in an Office, with a door and everything. That is when I learned I was not “normal.” I hated it and was very grateful to lose that job.
One problem about seeing other people when you feel like this is that it can just underscore how completely alone you really are. When you are really alone, you can blame it on the lack of people. When people are available and you still are not connecting, then it is much worse. I have people around me. I have spent a lot of time today talking with them. I have friends. I am just isolated from everyone and I figure it is a me thing not an external thing.
The whole behaving badly thing: Hmmm could this be why I have been on time for work only a handful of times in the last 2-3 years? Or why I spend more time in the internet than doing my job? Part of me is thinking I am pushing to see if I can get fired. It will take them time to clue in unfortunately. Even when I let them know what a goof off I am. All it seems to do is isolate me more.
Thanks for adding to the feedback. It gives me something to chew on.
*hugs*
Hey, you got a comment from me, which is like a national treasure in itself by terms of rarity!
Wow. When I saw it I got a comment from evildrmurgee, my eyebrows rose in surprise. Then I laughed when your comment confirmed how rare this really is. To bad it isn’t possible to bronze and LJ comment.
Thanks.
There’s a reason why
one of my favorite quotes is, “Half way through the journey of our lives, I came to myself in dark wood and the true way was lost.”
Dante speaks to those moments as you wander down time that you wake up and you are isolated and alone. The dark wood being not so much the dimming of the sun’s light, but the internal dark of a solitude in the mind.
I have neither hugs, nor advice. But I look forward to the evening’s deepening dark.
Re: There’s a reason why
Thank you.
This is a bit of a non sequitur but it hits at some level and it is good. I think this is why I am allowing myself to be alone and disconnected instead of fighting it and reaching out. I am not totally isolated but I am also not trusting.
Maybe it is a time of rest and recovery.
my last job had what I thought was the ideal situation – large 4-person cubes. We each faced into one of the 4 corners. My 3 cube-mates were all people I really liked. The fact that we faced away from each other meant it was possible to work without constant distraction… but we could easily all turn around and have a 4-person conversation. And there was a table in the middle we could meet around, or meet with other people-not-from-our-cube at… or just stick parts on, which happened most of the time
When I moved to my current job with the single-person cubes I definitely felt isolated at first. Fortunately as time went on I’ve gotten to spend more of my time in the lab than in my cube. Still, I am definitely not as friendly with my current co-workers as I was with my old ones. And even though I do not miss CT, I do sometimes miss my old job. It was more fun.
Oh, and I’m totally with you on hating “*hugs*” only comments. I read those and I immediately feel disappointment – “hey! I was expecting actual content! this is boring!”
I agree with you on the 4-person cubes. The previous location was a set of 4-person cubes with short walls to another set of 4-person cubes with single desks (and short walls) along the set. The other half of my group still has the 4-person cube thing with taller walls with windows. It is just me and my two teammates they didn’t have room for and so we got stuck on the other side of the floor in single cubes.
The problem I have with *hugs* is that it is so simple and so easy it really doesn’t feel sincere. Like someone saying “I love you” only when you say “I love you.” Or people saying “How are you” when you run into them. It begins to feel like just a social nicety that doesn’t really mean anything.