I was writing up a response to a “At least you have a job” comment to my last bitch about my job post and it got long and evolved enough, I figured it deserved it’s own post.
You know, that little fact that I have a relatively good job just makes it all the harder to deal. I know I “should” be grateful that I have a job. I “should” appreciate that it is a good company (comparatively speaking) and it has good benefits. I “should” be grateful that I have an income that fits how I live. I am Very Aware of all of this. These are a whole lot of “shoulds” that get in the way of dealing with the issues of the fact that I am not happy. Years ago, a list of “shoulds” kept me in a profession that ended up eating away at my soul enough that I felt broken enough to request to be institutionalized and have that on my record for the rest of my life. I was told I would have to live my life and work on getting better in baby steps. When I broke, I was had great potential. I was designing Access databases and playing with computers and I was an assistant to a residential lighting designer. There was even the possibility that I would be able to take over most of the lighting design firm so that she could spend more time with her new baby and still keep a hand in the industry. It was a fabulous opportunity. I had a large number of great friends and a very active social life. On the surface, things looked golden. But my soul was rotting from the inside out. I broke. After therapy, my first step was getting to a point of actually being able to show up at a receptionist temp job. At one job, they actually asked me if I could alphabetize for filing (I have a BA and a masters in civil engineering). It took me a year to become functional again and four years to reclaim a portion of the social life I once held.
If I was in the position of not having any work, yes, where I am now would be a step up. But to have searched for a job situation that meets my needs, found it and then have those very things removed from me, it is a step down. It is really hard to have to face being afraid that the fear of losing what I “should” be grateful for is going to keep me in a place that is actually harmful to me. It makes trying to figure out what to do that much more complex. And it doesn’t help to have those around me pointing out what I “should” be grateful for on top of my own beatings of my inner psyche.
Tally to date:
Just got official notice (complaint from big wig to assistant to our big boss to my boss to me) of four things we have done wrong, three are mine, one isn’t.
We are losing someone (he is moving away) and he wont be replaced to we have to suck up his work load.
Not having a job would be worse for me but that doesn’t mean having this job is good for me.
I understand that if you are not happy somewhere it is time to move on. I certainly didn’t mean to suggest that you “suck it up” “be a man” and suffer and I certainly wasn’t being snide toward you. I’m just watching how fabulously my life has fallen apart and due in no small part to that place canning me for no particularly good reason.
If I were still there with you. I’d be in a place of my own. I would have had school paid for in advance and had been able to register fo my last class no problem. I might even be on my way to London. All because I don’t have what you don’t want.
heya. If you have time & energy, we’d love to have you over for our housewarming, or just sometime in general. Drop me a line, and I can get you the address & directions.
No worries if you can’t make it though…
Having been at a soul-destroying job for the past four years and having had friends tell me “at least you have a job” when I’m complaining about why it’s breaking me, I totally understand where you are coming from. Life isn’t about just having money and making bills. And the whole “living for the weekend” mentality means that you only live 2/7 of your life. (Though really, I’ve found that it means just not living my life at all, since it takes me too long to drag “me” out of the persona I have to adopt in order to deal with the work situation.)
Echoing what said, if you have some time on Labor Day (Monday , Sept. 5), we would totally LOVE to see you! Heck, if you have time some other time (other than this weekend, *whimper*) I’d love to see you.
I have never understood how you have been able to stay in your soul-destroying job for as long as you have. Part of me greatly admires you and the other part wants to smack you upside the head and yell “run for your life”.
I didn’t know you were having a housewarming party so soon. Wow, you just got moved out/in. I am planning on being at Silicon for that weekend and heading northward Sunday night. There is a possibility that a friend will be coming to my place on Monday to help me de-clutter/redecorate. Maybe I can stop in before the party day. Please send me contact info (i.e. address and stuff). I haven’t seen you guys in sooooo loooooong.
You can admire people and still smack them
I sooo hear ya. I have been struggling with that very issue for some time.
I have come to a better (albeit not great) place about it. Several factors have contributed.
- I work hard to improve the working conditions, daily (I am very lucky that my boss and co-workers are receptive to this).
- I ask for what I want and get some of it (occasional work-from-home days, very ocassional comp days off after big projects).
- I have simply (major understatement) adjusted (with variying degrees of success, from day to day) my attitude about my job.
- I have come to a place of accepting (I looked really long and hard in the mirror on this one) that I am part of why I do not have a better, more well-suited-to-me job. I admitted to myself that I could make radical changes, and make radical sacrifices to make a major career shift. I even started to do it, while I was unemployed (but then they offered me a real honest to God/dess job). But I got really honest with myself that, at least for now, I am unwilling to make those changes and sacrifices.
I dunno. Some days I am ok about it all. Some days not. Maybe there is some wisdom for you in this ramble. Maybe there is not. I hope you find a way to be (more) at peace with your situation, or find what you need to do to change it.
Thinking happy thoughts for you. *hugs*
my response to anyone who EVER says “at least you have XXXX” – there’s no comparison…
for every person that has a job they don’t like – there is both someone who has a better job that they like and is therefore enviable, and there is someone who has no job, and is therefore to be sympathized with…
but you just can’t compare pain/burdens/loads… it doesn’t work, for anyone.
to the person who thinks you should be grateful for having a job, even if it’s not one that fulfills you – you could just as easily say, “well at least you’re capable of getting a job – there are people out there who are so disabled they can’t work even tho they’d like to – or so unskilled that they are pretty much unemployable…”
the “let’s compare woes” route is pointless… there is always someone better off, and someone worse off.
do you think Bill Gates has no problems? but he has so much money, and he owns a company, and he can pretty much do/buy whatever he wants… yeah, but when you’re broke, you don’t have to worry about someone kidnapping your children for ransom… and when you’re unemployed, you don’t have to worry that your bad decision might put thousands of people out of work and impact their families…
there’s no such thing as “at least you have XXX” – that’s just someone trying to trivialize YOUR problems by trying to one up you.
There’s an old chinese parable – about a woman whose son has died… she goes to a priest, and says “can you bring my son back to life?” and he says yes… but first she must bring him a mustard seed from a house that has known no sorrow… of course, eventually, she returns having realized that every house has sorrow… we all have our own burdens to bear, and comparisons are fruitless.
Hon – personally, I think you need to work like hell to get out of this job. It sounds like the prices of being there have the potential to be way to high. Tweak that resume. Hold on to those dreams. Use your discontent as motivation to move on… and never feel the need to explain yourself to morons who are trying to make you feel bad about not thinking everything is perfect just because you have something they don’t.
*hugs*
Thanks for posting this.
The “at least you have XXX” concept has been allowing me to feel guilty any time I actively think about wanting something different. It is often tempting to accept the fallacy of “other people have it worse than me, therefore I have no problems”.
For some strange reason, guilt over not being happy or or not being grateful for being lucky enough to have something that is not personally fulfilling, does not cause happiness.