This is a public service announcement: Do Not Tease The Gina.
I have some friends that show they care by teasing me. I got hit a number of times at Baycon. I understand that it is a way of showing affection and connection. It doesn’t stop if from hurting and being mean. I am in a dark place in my life right now and I don’t need to deal with people that care about me hurting me for whatever reason if it can be avoided. If you do something or say something and your defense when you get glared at is “I am only teasing” then you shouldn’t be doing or saying that particular thing.
I grew up being hurt by being teased. It was “fun” to get a reaction out of Gina. Gaining a thicker skin is not an option. If it were, I would be impervious by 3rd grade. When I moved to the Bay Area, I lived in a household with friends and learned to give and take teasing in a caring environment. It was a lesson I worked hard at, it does not come naturally. And as with all things that are not natural talents, it is one of the first to go when things get tough.
interesting. I was certainly teased mercilessly throughout grammar school and high school, but I seem to have managed to internalize the difference between Good Teasing and Bad Teasing early on.
Yeah, well, the ability to deal with Good Teasing wasn’t part of my initial internal package and is a messy aftermarket addition that doesn’t always work. Things are identified appropriately but can’t always be shunted away from damaged areas. Problem with it is that many people assume that everyone has this ability to handle teasing and pays no attention to the damage done to those of us that don’t. And somehow I don’t think I should have to expend energy to defend myself from friends who don’t bother to realize they are being mean. Ergo, the announcement to get people to look and think.
A person who responds with something other than
a) “I was only teasing–I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be hurtful,” and
b) refraining from future teasing (and being even more apologetic if they slip up)
is not doing Good Teasing and they are not your friend. “Paying no attention to the damage done” is not the mark of a well-meaning, kind friend; it’s the behavior of a self-centered fucktard.
I do want to put out there that each person that teased me is the type to stop when they realize what it would do to me. Unfortunately, when I am getting womped, I have a hard time letting them know without biting their heads off and they don’t deserve that for use being clueless. I just want the Good Teasing to stop for awhile because it hurts as much as the Bad Teasing. In a way the Bad Teasing is easier to deal with. Because those idiots aren’t my friends, I don’t have to be nice to them.
So bite their heads off if it’s the only way they’ll notice.
That’s unfortunate. I usually prefer to show affection by, I dunno, giving a hug, or perhaps buying a drink for someone (or, in rare cases, stealing their underclothes and… ummm… oh).
Regrets that folks are not perceptive enough of your emotional state to respect your feelings, and here’s a virtual hug from me. (SQuEEze).
As another child who got teased because it was fun to see if they could get a rise out of me, I can relate to how hard it is to take teasing, even in fun. I have had times, even as an adult, when I have specifically told friends to stop, they take it as an invitation to tease me more. The results were not ones I like to think about, and are on my at-my-worst moments lists. Fortunately, this does not happen as much anymore, but I can see why being in a dark place would reduce your defenses.
I am sorry that people still try this with you. Cons seem to me to be places where some people feel it is OK to revert to childish behaviors on some levels.
I have had times, even as an adult, when I have specifically told friends to stop, they take it as an invitation to tease me more.
That is just completely uncool. I trust my friends to actually understand that I mean it when I say “Enough– I know you’re kidding but I can’t handle it right now. Quit it.” It’s one of the things that defines a friend to me.
Yep, for me too. Continued teasing when told to stop is the short trip to the friend dumpster in my book.
Suffice to say that the incident that I remember the most clearly was over 10 years ago, but involved an Ex from college (but still fairly new boyfriend at the time), my HS best friend who was visiting from out-of-town, and my Ex’s best friend. My best friend was going along with it all because she was trying to impress my Ex’s best friend (whom she later married, then had a falling out with me for about 5 years – they are divorced now). The teasing was not directed at me specifically, it was more general goofing around, but it was in my home and it was not only not respected when I asked them to stop, that seemed to escalate it, as if simply the fact that it upset me made it more funny. Note, there are telling reasons this is an Ex-bf that are connected this kind of stuff, and my HS best friend was under the influence of a new relationship (and we have since mended our friendship; I even got to say “I told you so” about some of her big mistakes regarding that relationship).
Your comment about escalation hit a cord with me but I couldn’t figure out from where so I figured it must be left over from elementary school. Your story reminded me it was my ex-fiance that was the culprit of one of these times. All that mattered what that he thought it was funny and therefor it was funny and I needed to get over myself. Grrrr, I had forgotten about that. Funny thing was he was in the same school district as my hated elementary time.
This Gina doesn’t much like teasing either and has been known to bawl when badly teased whilst in a bad place. Completely understand.
Noted. I’m not sure I’ve ever been guilty of such, but still noted. I’m on the opposite side of the coin from you I think. If my friends aren’t taking the occasional shot at me and teasing, I begin to worry that they don’t care much
Yeah, but we’re clueful enough to shut the hell up if you seem hurt or if you tell us to, and we can take it as well as dish it out.
Took me a long time to get used to teasing. I have been known to react with physical violence to verbal teasing when I’m in a bad space. It’s something I shouldn’t do, but I’ll gladly smack anyone who’s making you feel bad.
Somehow I like the image of you smacking someone, me in the background, tears in my eyes pointing at the bully. Will you be my Guido?
Typically, I don’t think someone deserves to be womped for just being clueless. If they continue after they know better, it is real easy for me to just rise to my natural height, look down my nose at them and coldly inform them of the shame they have brought upon themselves.
Ah, but the JOY of a good whomp
and it’s nice to let your friends do things for you sometimes. Besides, sometimes you don’t want to waste the energy on the clueless.
Hrm, there ARE people I tease mercilessly, but you’re not one of them. There’s a culture to it that works… oddly, it’s one I learned from Fandom. It shouldn’t be confused with the one that doesn’t work, which I was constantly subjected to – like most people here – during school.
However, YOU are simply fabulous, and deserving of wonderfulness, and had I seen you at BayCon long enough to see any sadness on your face I would have been sure to mention it!
–Ember–
Hear, hear.
Ember Leo’s right. You are fabulous, and deserving of wonderfulness, and I don’t think anyone should be hitting you. I think that’s a piss-poor way to show affection for someone — and while I understand it works for some people, it should only be by mutual consent, dammit!
Are you a permanent BArea resident now, then?
Chaz