Following the trend of mertuil, here is something I have been thinking of. Writing this stuff without it being in an active conversation is hard, so much of this stuff doesn’t make it to the journal.
When I first looked into the concepts of polyamory, there were no real instructions/guidelines except every person I asked repeated over and over the importance of communication. I don’t know if I am poly or not, the concept makes sense and I have no problem with it but I may not be wired for it. One thing I am keeping is the communication model. It is useful no matter what type of relationship, beneficial for monogamy and required for poly.
I look at it as a cleansing wash. If everything is fine, it is like washing your hands, getting rid of build up. If the relationship has gotten nicked or damaged, as all relationships do, then it washes out the scratch and lets it heal cleanly.
There is an aspect to poly that I don’t think many people consider. When is a relationship over and when does the communication stop? Because the poly community I am around is so inbred, there is so much inter-dating and shared friends, I pose the idea that when you break up with someone, the relationship isn’t over, it has just changed from a romantic one to something different. The type of communication changes but it is still just as necessary.
A break up can be like a deep wound. At the time of injury, it make sense for the communication to take a back seat to trying to apply pressure to stop the bleeding. Once things have settled somewhat, then it is important to reopen the lines of communication. If not, then the wound can become infected and become a pus filled blister. Lancing it hurts but in the long run, it is better for it. Extreme cases of lack of communication can lead to amputation where the two parties don’t talk to each other and friends have to choose which ones they will see at any particular time. Any of these are bad for all those around the involved parties.
Ooh. That’s a great analogy.
*ponders hard*
Very well thought out. Thank you for the way that you put all that. Much of that was already wandering around my head but it has context now.
The web that connects so many in that community gets severed sometimes but such wounds that have corrupted. I know that place too well.
May I link this as a memory?
I am pleased this has hit a cord. You are more than welcome to it. As with most anything I post, write or even say, as long as you keep the meaning attached to it, you are welcome to do whatever with it.
Hmm.
There’s a book on polyamory, that was supposedly very good. I’ve never read it, but it came highly recommonded by several people that I know. I’ll have to dig up the name. It might be interesting reading.
There is an aspect to poly that I don’t think many people consider. When is a relationship over and when does the communication stop? Because the poly community I am around is so inbred, there is so much inter-dating and shared friends, I pose the idea that when you break up with someone, the relationship isn’t over, it has just changed from a romantic one to something different. The type of communication changes but it is still just as necessary.
Definitely in this particular community, you would have to keep up the communication because of the “inbred-ness” inherent in the community. Also, it would have to keep up, esp. if the person (say PersonA) you are breaking up with has become friends with your main(s) or has developed a relationship with your main(s).
Regardless of the type of relationship, whether poly or monogamy, communication before, during, and after, would definitely go a long way to alleviating that blistering, pus-infected wound.
Re: Hmm.
The book was recommended to me to over and over is The Ethical Slut.
It is a pretty good book and while I am not into a number of things they talk about, it did a good job of giving me the beginnings of the model of communication that I now hold so dear. Their discussion of jealousy was very useful to me.
Re: Hmm.
Hello Gina (we have met at dance events via Jennifer and at the DHP)
Janet (aka Catherine Lizst) actually actively doesn’t believe that The Ethical Slut is apropos for poly per se. She deliberitely wrote the book and never used the word poly. She seeks out open relationship models, but poly is a whole different can of worms. I have asked her about it a number of times because her book is referenced so much in the poly community and it is remarkable how much she doesn’t agree with many/most things that are done in the poly communities.
Random information, but I always find it humorous.
Krissy
Re: Hmm.
That is rather humorous. I still think it is a good poly book. I think what she is aiming for is a version of poly and the information is useful for many variations. Funny that she thinks poly is a whole different can of worms. Maybe she has run into issues with the definitions before and therefore it is an issue with her.
Re: Hmm.
With a little bit of paraphrasing her reason to say that her book is not about “polyamory” per se is because she wants to have lots of relationships and never worry about the “amory” portion. She doesn’t need to fall in love. She doesn’t need to have everyone get along in a warm fuzzy situation. She avoids the word poly because there are many people who believe that the word poly should only apply to people “love everyone” and she occasionally just wants to be fucked. Such a lovely woman. Even if she won’t let me top her. damnit.
Re: Hmm.
That’s the book. Glad to see you’ve already read it.
off topic
I have just returned from wandering and clicking around your website and you have so many wonderful images.
Thank you for all the time you put in making all the enchanting costumes and sharing them with us!
Re: off topic
Thank you for the comment. You have used my website for what it was intended and I am glad you enjoyed it.
Apathy or a lack of communication has to be the worst aspect of polyamory. A relationship that must be based on communication that suddenly has that communication stop is just hurtful. In my opinion, it is more hurtful than when the two people are saying nasty things, since at least they care enough to think of nasty things to say.
But for some people, withdrawal is the only way to deal with the situation. I know a number of people who have dealt with that very issue, in order to protect themselves, they have withdrawn from their previous relationship completely. Hell, I am one of them.
It sucks and it hurts, but I guess you just have to decide to let them alone for a while.
Awareness of the cost of withdrawl
I agree about the saying nasty things sometimes is better. For me, I feel I know how to protect against an attack where I can’t protect myself from the hurt of something done in kindness or not being done at all. Not knowing what is going on leaves me at a real loss.
I also understand that some people have the defense mechanism of withdrawal. I am just stating that everyone needs to be aware of the damage that withdrawal does. I think most people run under the concept that since the “relationship” (meaning the romantic relationship) is over then it is ok to stop communication. There is nothing left to work on unless you are actively trying to remain friends and guess what, you continue to communicate to make that work. My point is that while the romantic relationship is over, there is still a relationship within the poly community and that should be addressed. In the monogamous world, the damage is rarely seen because there is such a large break between the worlds of the two people involved. What does it matter if these two people are no longer on speaking terms. The poly community is much more tightly woven and so the damage is much more evident. It is more important to be aware of what causes damage and to do the least amount of damage because it affects everybody that knows/dates both people.
There is a certain amount of withdrawal I think everyone has to do. But I think we need to be aware of the price of that withdrawal. Right after the breakup, the price is well worth it. But it is easy to let the withdrawal defense become a habit and the cost of that habit keeps adding up. This is where you get the puss filled wound and amputation analogy. There are times when the price is appropriate for a horrible relationship/breakup. But if it isn’t, then attention need to be paid to reducing the cost. I think for the most part, people aren’t aware of the cost after a breakup, they just don’t think about it in those terms. Why should I put the effort into getting along with an ex? We’re over.
Hell, I am one of them.
Yes, you withdrawal but you come out of it and managed to talk to ex-boyfriends and in many cases continue with friendships or form new friendships. I think you stop hiding when the price of withdrawal isn’t needed anymore and you go back to communicating.