Another spoke on my Wheel of Life has just gone sproing.
I was suppose to go to another Enneagram training Jan 23-29. I have carved the time out of my schedule, got vacation for it, have set up many thing to take care of beforehand. My dad was providing this for me. I trusted him to take care of it. I was wrong. Again. I called last night because I haven’t heard anything and found out it is all messed up. It actually starts tomorrow. We are swamped at work and I have been working my butt off to make the time to take of next week. There is no way I can make it happen this week. He tried to set it up but he is busy so he left it in the hands of the enneagram people. They thought they were waiting to hear from him. Nobody let me know this is going on so I could get involved, get the needed information or make something happen.
So, I have been hurt by my dad again. He offered me something I really want and it has fallen through partly due to inaccurate information he gave me and partly because of his inactions. This is something that has happened over and over in my relationship with him to a point that I stopped talking to him in ’96. We have cleared that up and over the last 3 years have had surprisingly good communication and a good relationship. He has given me a lot and I am grateful we can talk. There was one time in the last year where he was the only person I had to turn to. There were issues with every other important person in my life at the time. It was kinda scary because he can hurt me so easily by just not paying attention and giving me information I need.
He has a tendency to get you to trust him. He will make it work. He is good at that. Then he gets distracted, busy, involved in something else and things drop through the cracks. Things that you were counting on because he said you could. Things that you incorporate into your life and call foundations. Things that disappear because he has changed something and didn’t think to let you know. And you are not allowed to be angry with him because these were gifts he was giving you and he won’t accept being blamed for something he didn’t do. He gets enough grief for the things he does do. I can see his point but…
In the past, I have just given up on anything he had to offer. “Yes, dad, that is really neat and wonderful but I don’t want it.” There have been times when I have had to close off dealing with him because this setting me up and letting me drop when I counted on it has hurt so bad. One year, I tried to call him but all his phone numbers had shifted and now I get some business partner of his in Wyoming. I had thought we were past this but it look like it is inherent in our life strategies. This time, after a friend talked me down, I was able to put together a structure where I might be able to use his words to show him what the effect of what he is doing/not doing has. And I thing I know a possible solution. It is all about information flow. If I knew this was coming, I could have been involved. If I didn’t trust him to take care of everything, it would have been better. But is it so hard not to trust your Dad not to take care of everything when he says he will. Maybe if we can get to an understanding, he will see his limits and stop saying he will take care of it and let me take some of it on.
I am hurt, frustrated, lost, angry, sad, hopeful. And I have no idea what I am going to do the weekend of Jan 24-25. I keep getting told this happened for a reason. And that reason would be what?
I keep getting told this happened for a reason.
People who tell you stupid crap like this should be punched in the mouth and then told “You know, that happened for a reason.”
I actually believe this did happen for a reason. I am just frustrated by not knowing what the reason is or what I am suppose to learn from it. I am beginning to get an idea but it isn’t the same as knowing.
not sure who’s telling you “it happened for a reason” – I hate that platitude…
First – big, squishy hugs.
Second – now that you have the time, albeit unexpectedly, use it to do something extra special just for you… like book a hotel room in the city, and spend a night pampering yourself – or plan a ‘slumber party’ with some good friends – or just go out wandering and see what you can find…
Third – sorry about your Dad. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that expecting our parents to be the adults we *thought* they were when we were kids is a bad idea.
Call me if you want to!
not sure who’s telling you “it happened for a reason” – I hate that platitude…
It actually wasn’t used as a platitude, it was an actual search for why things are going the way they are and what is affecting what. It is probably more of a cliche than a platitude.
Third
He actually worked rather hard on it. He is just at the worst time of year for him and so busy he has no time for anything. His big mistake is thinking he can take care of it, not knowing he can’t take care of it and not telling me so I can take care of it. He is trying to be the all powerful Daddy when he isn’t anymore. Admittedly, it is hard not to trust Daddy to take care you and I am sure it is just has hard for him to not try to take care of me. I think we, as adults, need to work on how to take care of things together. I find it is easier for me to accept that idea than it is for him. He is not use to getting help.
Parents that let us down make the rest of the world seem unstable to me. I have a father that is very distant and vague most the time. He gets farther and farther away in himself every year. Yet still, I love him so much it hurts.
These parents want to please us, make good, and then they drop it and it shatters. It is hard to keep giving chances. Protect yourself, let your friends protect you. I try not to expect anything from my father and let good things be beautiful surprises. I try. I am not there yet either.
Luck and strength to you. Let me know if I can help fill that weekend maybe?
When this has happened in the past, I have pulled away and given up on him. This time, I think I am able to side step the hurt more and might actually find a different way to handle it and protect myself. So this is what it is like to be an adult?
I was thinking that this two free days could provide me a chance to visit the Lawn and bring you your housewarming thingy. You free Sat or Sun jan 23-24?
I think it is part of being “adult”; there is a distancing from one’s parents that is part of being yourself. Watching the line so it does not become removal from one’s parents though is one of the battles of that process. I’ll look at the calendar about that weekend. I would be very pleased to introduce you to the Lawn.
Not sure what I can offer about your father, but Tempest is playing Saturday in Davis. It’s their 15th anniversary. Check the website http://www.tempestmusic.com for tickets.