This is an update on where I am. Not so much emotional bleeding as description of emotional healing. Standard emotional disclaimer “If you follow the cut tag, please respect, otherwise, move along, nothing to see, move along”
A crack, a fracture, a hole.
At the end of July, my life cracked. There had been quakes beforehand with parts of my life crumbling. The crack facilitated the final collapse of rickety things and instigated the collapse of things that appeared stable but were not. Once everything that was going to crumble finished doing so, I was able to begin to either clear out the rubble or lay down the foundations for repairs. I am still working on those projects, it will take time.
Now this crack is more a fracture from growth rather than a break from falling. In some places, it is just a fissure in the plaster, in others, it is gapping holes. I have been franticly searching for things to cover it to protect myself from the elements that are now rushing in. I have flailed around struggling to find some kind of cover, even resorting to filling in the cracks and holes with filler. While I realize it won’t last and is not good for me, it was critical I do something right away to keep it from turning into a break from falling. I will have to spend time taking it all back out again to do it right but for the immediate need, it was necessary and right.
From where I am standing now, I feel I have finally found most of what I need. I have found supplies to help cover the gaps for the time being. Through a number of sources, I believe I have access to instruction, tools, materials and assistance to reshape the holes into workable shapes so that I can build actual windows to replace the ragged breaches in my psyche.
It will take time, it will not be easy, it will not be fun, it will be a lot of hard work, but it will be good. It is the beginning of a life long remodeling project on my internal home. I (very reluctantly) have to admit I am glad I had this crack in my life.
Things I need to keep repeating to myself:
The only moment that matters is this one; the other moments will take care of themselves.
It is all about Time.
Let go.
I am sure none of these make any sense to anyone I haven’t explained them to. They shouldn’t.
Edited to allow comments. I don’t know why that was turned off.
Some ‘make sense’ to me… some I would probably need more of an explanation on… but you know, I don’t really need any explanation… I’m just so GLAD that you are moving forward!! You go girl (the only cliche phrase I *really* like…)
I miss ya. I’m sending huge virtual hugs your way… maybe you can stuff them into one or another small holes to help for the nonce.
If there’s anything else I can do (for real!!) please let me know… A universe w/o a ginaverse is like an omelet without anything good inside it! Sure, you can get by on it, but it’s just filling, not fulfilling!!!
Keep in mind that broken bones can heal themselves; you just need to set everything up so that they do so properly. There’s no magic “bone spackle” that doctors use to get everything healed.
Life cracks are the same way. You need to set your life, in order for the healing to work properly.
Ok, this advice is obviously something you’ve figured out for yourself, so just consider it a “keep up the good work” kinda thing. I just like the analogy and the phrase “bone spackle”.
What you are referring to is the crack that comes from falling. There is no “healing” this one. This is a growth crack, kind of like the bone pain from bones growing in puberty. For this one, I need to make the openings wider and fill them with stuff. I resorted to bone spackle as a stop gap measure because I had nothing else.
Thank you for your thoughts and a chance to clarify.
It’s a wonderful thing to discover who you are for yourself, and to explore where you’ve been, and where you are going.
Gaping holes are amazing springboards in life. The adreneline that streams through your body as you look over the edge and balance — even if balance is barely, and what is left after you escape the fall (or while you recover from it) reminds us that we are, in fact, alive. Alive is a life, and life is living, and living is good.
I have recently been exploring the gaps, bridges, hills, and valleys in my world. It is so tempting to wander the paths of self-pity, self-consciousness, even self-sabotage, and easy, too: it is what I have always done. Now it is refreshing to push through and take the rougher, rocky paths to self-vitilization, courage, strength. None of these can we fully succeed in without the help of our friends.
You, my friend, have inspired me: as you often do. Know that you are thought of, and while any help I can provide is yours, the knowledge is ours that you will thrive.