In the past, when things haven’t been working between me and friends, I would let go and just find other friends. I use to be good at quiting and really good at finding more of my type of people.

A couple of years ago, I tried something different. I emailed two friends of mine telling them I felt left out and that the only thing I could think of doing was to quit and move on. I got two very intense emails back telling me that my friendship mattered and the relationships got much deeper than they were before. It was a Good Thing(tm).

One of the reasons I was so good at quiting is because things were kept on the surface. I have been trying to forge deeper relationships since that experiment a couple of years ago. It isn’t so easy to quit anymore.

Lately, I have a few different friendships that I feel aren’t working. I know they like me and would want me around but I am feeling like I have put out more energy in than I am getting back. I have tried to initiate contact and getting together and I have gotten excuses and reasons why what I propose wouldn’t work. Which is really fine. People’s lives don’t match up to mine and there are going to be conflicts. The thing that is missing is that these friends don’t come up with alternatives. I give them space because they are busy with something and when that something is over, I still don’t hear from them. I know it isn’t that they don’t like me but I do feel like having me in their lives are not worth it to them. I was trained from the time I was a small child through college that I should always be ready to move on, that friends get tired of me. This lack of initiation from others triggers those feelings.

I leave doors open for people I care about but when they don’t use them for long periods of time, I get cold from the draft and I start to close the door. I am no longer receptive. I still like these people but I don’t care as much.

I have been thinking about this post for about two weeks. I have some friends I am ready to write off as no longer close and that I need to close the door between us because I feel I am the only one willing to work at keeping it open. And the energy I am using is not getting me what I need in return so all I am doing is hurting myself.

Because of my experiment about telling people what I am feeling, I was planning on letting each friend know what was up and basically check in. I might get lucky and end up with something more out of it. Worse case scenario, I would be right and doing what I would have done anyway. Then I realized that I had quite a few of these heartfelt letters to write. I think I was up to 4 or 5. That got me to thinking that maybe the issue isn’t with my friends, maybe it is in how I am seeing things right now.

I know I am battling some sort of depression right now. I thought I should wait to write those letters until I could tell what was reality and what was just a filter over my eyes. Maybe it was that my energy is worth more to me now than at other times. It feels like the energy I get back isn’t enough. It feels like it costs me more than I can afford to get to a point where I feel they will notice me and give me any energy at all. I don’t know if these costs are absolutes and I was spending more than I should before. I don’t know if things have changed for my friends and they don’t have as much to give. I don’t know if they are just clueless of the exchange rate and they had no idea that I am feeling like I am on the losing side. There are lots of possibilities.

I have realized today that in waiting to write this, I have started to closed the doors to those people more than I was planning before writing to tell them what is up. I am feeling hollow and disconnected. I am not even sure if I could accept energy if it were coming at me. I might fight it and hide some more. But it would be nice to know if it was there, for when I can accept it again.

For claification, I have friends that are at the correct levels right now. The amount of energy going out matches the amount of energy coming in. I probably have friends that give me more energy than I give (but right now I am a sponge so I am not so good at noticing that difference). I have a lot of friends at many different levels. This post is only about a few of those. If you think you might be a friend I consider important and you haven’t been putting energy into me, then maybe this post is about you. Or maybe not.

Happy Happy Joy Joy to a man I have so many connections to but hardly ever see.
May things continue to go in the positive direction it looks like they are going.

For many years, the idea of visiting the Rosicrucian Egyptian Museum in San Jose has been floating around. The only time I remember it is during the summer when it is too hot to bother with that end of the bay. This year, I remembered it during the cold months and have poked people about attending.

Following BaronLaw’s example, I dub this a Quest.

I have convinced the lovely Jadecat9 to be our guide since she knows way more than I do about things Egyptian. Fresne and Capricious_k have joined me in the concept. BaronLaw has expressed his interest in joinging us. We all see this as a Costume Opportunity and will probably be wearing Explorer Clothing. Jadecat9 says be might be mistaken for docents and we are willing to take that chance.

Since I am not about to try to herd cats for something this silly but I would love to share this experience with others, here is info for people to join us if they wish. If you show up, great. If not, we will never know.

The Rosicrucian Egyptian Museum and Planetarium
March 26 2006
1pm
1342 Naglee Ave
San Jose, CA 95191
$9 admission (* $1.00 discount on general admission for members of AAA, AAM, KQED, and Military)

Open on Sundays 11-6

The planetarium is included in the admission and they have a 2pm show so that might be a possibility. No food or large packs are allowed. But there is a Rosicrucian Park and groups are also welcome to eat at the Community Rose Garden, located 2 blocks away on Naglee Avenue. Maybe a afternoon tea might be on order.

http://www.egyptianmuseum.org/visit/index.html

I found a new combo that is really good. Well worth the time it took me to make it.

Polish Kielbasa, cut and caramelized (sauteed on the stove with water). Right before it is done add a sliced up half an onion, a can of mushrooms and a splash of Worcestershire sauce. Serve with Kraft Mac and Cheese. Lemon Ice Tea to drink.

I know I have a bunch of Project Management type of experience but I can’t think of what it would be. Mostly outside of work. It would be nice if my friends remembered any stories that would count toward Project Management experience or accomplishments.

This is what I have so far:
Getting Nazgurls together and happening
Taking over Security for the 4Tops concert in college when the doof that was suppose to do ignored it until the last minute
Installing novel fixtures while working at LBL

I think I have more and probably better but am not able to think along those lines. Any help guys?

It is back on to start tomorrow (thursday) 9-5. I said I would show up if they met my Cry Wolf clause. If for some reason things don’t get started tomorrow, then I get a full days pay. That way I go into Friday no worse off than I am today. And I gave them a 3pm deadline for confirmation so I could call my other agencies after that to see if there is any work for the rest of the week.

If it is really a go, then paying me for a day if they cancel should be a no brainer.

I am also preparing to file for unemployment and working on other resumes.

They have quite the hole to dig out of for me to stay at this job and it hasn’t even started yet.

I am wanting to take some classes. Because so much of my life is up in the air right now, a formal college/semester thing is a bit much. Every time I try to look for something, I get frustrated and give up again until the next time the urge hits me. This time I am asking others for ideas.

What I would love is short couple of day or a few week type things. A structure where there is instruction and a required project from me works well for me.

I want more info on any of the following:
Advanced Photoshop
Advanced Illustrator
Something more formal on InDesign
Something more formal on Adobe Acrobat
A project for Flash
Actual elements of formal Graphic Design
AutoCad
Papermaking (using paper as art)
Maybe sculpture

I would like to learn stuff that would head towards working on catalogs and books.

I have tried looking at university sites and places like Adobe.com so that sort of advice/info is a too vague. Most of what I can find it either too basic (I pick up the basics on my own and don’t need a class for that) or too involved (full semester daytime class or $1,000 price for a one day class). I don’t need all the stuff they put into traditional college classes. I learn quickly and I have already done the learn how to learn and stick to the program college thing. Twice! I like the format of the business professional classes that I was sent to for my job. But I can’t afford the $1,500 price tag and I don’t think they are worth that much.

What I am looking for specific ideas/links to actual classes/programs.

And of course, I want it right now. I am free now and I need things to do. Want class. Want structure. Want to have others provide motivation for me to make things.